So, if you’re like me you are a huge Samuel L. Jackson fan. In virtually every movie he’s in it’s Mother Fuckin’ this and Mother Fuckin’ that, a man after my own filthy heart. From Avengers to Zambezia he’s brought his own unique style to every movie he’s been in. And today my dedicated readers, he’s going to help me get my point across. Every time you read a Bolded Quote I want you to read it in his voice. Together we’re going to talk about your motherfuckin’ buns.
One of my husband’s favorites is “Shaft” which by the name alone is funny enough and should be on one of those Facebook lists “movie names that sound like porn”. There’s a line in the movie where Jackson’s character John Shaft is putting the moves on a lady and delivers the line “You know me…it’s my duty to please that booty”. I know, not exactly Shakespeare in the Park but still pretty good. Why am I talking about this movie? Obviously this falls under the Dirty category but what does this have to do with Living Clean? Well, “hold on to your butts”. (that’s a Jackson quote from Jurassic Park)
Let’s talk about butts. My husband’s famous line to our girls is “opinions are like butts, everyone has them and no one wants to hear yours”. We use expressions like “being the butt of a joke”, “butt 
naked”, “butt-ugly” “work your butt off” or my favorite “butt-munch”. There are a myriad of songs dedicated to our moneymakers. We like dropping off our older daughter at her friend’s house with the windows and top down and “I Like Big Butts” cranked up on the stereo, she thinks it’s hilarious (no, she doesn’t…not even a little and I think she hates us). The point is…as a society, we seem to have a rump-obsession, but I think we are “behind” the times in truly taking care of them.
Me? I absolutely love my Tushy.
My husband has become a huge fan of my Tushy too. My younger daughter thinks my Tushy is pretty great. My teenager is…well…a teenager, so enthusiasm isn’t really her thing.
Before this gets any weirder, I’m not talking about my actual rear end.
I’m talking about my Tushy, a bidet attachment that mounts under your toilet seat and washes your backside after you do your business.
Everyone poops…it’s not just a child’s bedtime story, it’s a fact of life. As Americans we have become accustomed to a roll of toilet paper being our chief caboose cleaner, but if you travel anywhere outside of the US you’re likely to come across a bidet and you know why… because they’re not as gross as we are. “Are you ready for the truth?” (Jackson quote – Unbreakable)…
Picture if you will…you and I walking down the street probably to or from a bar and out of nowhere I flung shit at you (mine or someone else’s, let it be your choice) and it landed on your arm, would you calmly ask for a napkin and gently wipe it off? Hell no! “Who the fuck is this asshole?” (Jackson – Coming to America) You’d freak the fuck out that I soiled you and immediately start scrubbing your arm Silkwood-style. I’m picturing water, soap, bleach and probably a flame thrower. There would be crying, vomiting, a lot of explaining and quite possibly a Facebook post. I of course would find this hilarious.
Yet in the privacy of our own home or god forbid a poorly ventilated bathroom stall at work, we pinch a loaf and then ball up a wad of toilet paper like a catcher’s mitt, give our crack a couple of swipes and call it a day. Well…”God put you in my path and I aim to cure you of your wicked ways.” (Jackson – Black Snake Moan)
Toilet paper still has a place. Think of it as the finishing touch. But it’s no longer my primary weapon in the war against dingleberries and skid marks. “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” (Jackson – The Spirit)
When I first started researching bidets, I pictured one of those carnival games where you shoot a stream of water into the clown’s mouth. The thought of blasting my poor unsuspecting backside with a jet of water wasn’t exactly appealing. Fortunately, today’s bidet attachments are nothing like that.
The Tushy installs right between your toilet seat and the bowl. There are several companies that make bidet attachments, but this was the one that checked all my boxes. I splurged for the warm-water model because cold water aimed in that general direction sounded less like a spa treatment and more like an emergency evacuation.
Installation was surprisingly easy. Well…it was surprisingly easy for my husband. I supervised.
Once everything was hooked up, I politely kicked him out of the bathroom because I’m a lady, sat down and prepared for what can only be described as the strangest leap of faith of my adult life.
I started cautiously.
Tiny bit of water.
Tiny adjustment.
A little warmer.
A little stronger.
A few seconds later…
“Only God should have this power.” (Jackson – Jumper)
I had found the sweet spot.
I’m not saying a bidet changed my life.
I’m just saying I feel cleaner, I use a lot less toilet paper and I honestly don’t know why I waited so long to get one.
In fact, I liked it so much that I’m planning to put one in every bathroom in the house.
Once you bidet…you’ll never go away.
