So, if you’re like me you are a huge Samuel L. Jackson fan. In virtually every movie he’s in it’s Mother Fuckin’ this and Mother Fuckin’ that, a man after my own filthy heart. From Avengers to Zambezia he’s brought his own unique style to every movie he’s been in. And today my dedicated readers, he’s going to help me get my point across. Every time you read a Bolded Quote I want you to read it in his voice. Me and Samuel L are going to double-team you in this Mother Fuckin’ article about your Mother Fuckin’ buns.
One of my husband’s favorites is “Shaft” which by the name alone is funny enough and should be on one of those Facebook lists “movie names that sound like porn”. There’s a line in the movie where Jackson’s character John Shaft is putting the moves on a lady and delivers the line “You know me…it’s my duty to please that booty”. I know, not exactly Shakespeare in the Park but still pretty good. Why am I talking about this movie? Obviously this falls under the Dirty category but what does this have to do with Living Clean? Well, “hold on to your butts”. (that’s a Jackson quote from Jurassic Park)
Let’s talk about butts. My husband’s famous line to our girls is “opinions are like butts, everyone has them and no one wants to hear yours”. We use expressions like “being the butt of a joke”, “butt 
naked”, “butt-ugly” “work your butt off” or my favorite “butt-munch”. There are a myriad of songs dedicated to our moneymakers. We like dropping off our older daughter at her friend’s house with the windows and top down and “I Like Big Butts” cranked up on the stereo, she thinks it’s hilarious (no, she doesn’t…not even a little and I think she hates us). The point is…as a society, we seem to have a rump-obsession, but I think we are “behind” the times in truly taking care of them.
Me… I love, love, love my Tushy. My husband is becoming a huge fan of my Tushy. My youngest daughter also loves my Tushy. My teenager, she thinks my Tushy is just ok, but she’s moody and doesn’t get excited about anything. So you’re wondering why my kid loves my Tushy (it’s totally understandable why me and hubby love my tushy) and probably wondering why such a potty mouth like me is calling it a tushy and not an ass, or junk in the trunk, or booteus maximus, or even fudge factory. And why on Earth would I capitalize the T in Tushy. Can her tushy really be THAT good that it deserves a capital letter? Yes, my tushy is truly magnificent but I’m talking about my Tushy, a bidet that attaches to my toilet and squirts water up my ass after I take a shit. “Whoa ho ho! You kiss your mother with that mouth?” (that’s a Jackson Quote from Avengers: Age of Ultron).
Everyone poops…it’s not just a child’s bedtime story, it’s a fact of life. As Americans we have become accustomed to a roll of toilet paper being our chief caboose cleaner, but if you travel anywhere outside of the US you’re likely to come across a bidet and you know why… because they’re not as gross as we are. “Are you ready for the truth?” (Jackson quote – Unbreakable)…
Picture if you will…you and I walking down the street probably to or from a bar and out of nowhere I flung shit at you (mine or someone else’s, let it be your choice) and it landed on your arm, would you calmly ask for a napkin and gently wipe it off? Hell no! “Who the fuck is this asshole?” (Jackson – Coming to America) You’d freak the fuck out that I soiled you like a poo-flinging monkey and immediately start scrubbing your arm Silkwood-style. I’m picturing water, soap, bleach and probably a flame thrower. There would be crying, vomiting, a lot of explaining and quite possibly a Facebook post. I of course would find this hilarious and try to offer words of comfort “You know, when life gives you shit, you make Kool-Aid.” (Jackson – Hitman’s Bodyguard)
Yet in the privacy of our own home or god forbid a poorly ventilated bathroom stall at work, we pinch a loaf and then ball up a wad of toilet paper like a catcher’s mitt, give our crack a couple of swipes and call it a day. Well…”God put you in my path and I aim to cure you of your wicked ways.” (Jackson – Black Snake Moan)
Toilet paper is a good finisher but no longer my primary weapon in the war against dingleberries and skidmarks. “We are dealing with a monster from a bygone era.” (Jackson – Kong: Skull Island). I can tell you “Once you Bidet, you’ll never go away” (that one’s mine). When I first started researching bidets all I could think of was that carnival game where you aim a squirt gun at the clown’s mouth to blow up the balloon growing out of his head, pop the balloon and win a crappy prize. Seriously, a geyser of water treating my butt-hole like a hand puppet…not my idea of a good time. If I’m not going to let my husband in there then I definitely have zero interest in turning my colon into a water balloon. In our house, much like yours I’m sure, there isn’t room for an extra toilet brush much less a full size bidet. Fortunately, my Tushy rests between the porcelain bowl and the toilet seat…I like to think of it as my own Turd Sandwich. “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” (Jackson – The Spirit) There are a bunch of different brands of bidet toilet attachments, but for me the Tushy is the best “I’m serious as a heart attack”. (Jackson – Jackie Brown) I splurged and got the one that used warm water because a cold water bidet sounded more like a blaring alarm clock for my holiest of holes. I could almost hear my poor little bum yelling at me when the cold water hit “What the fuck are you doing? Have you lost your fucking mind?” (Jackson – Basic)
Luckily my Tushy was super easy to install…let me rephrase that, it was super easy for my husband to install. I relished the 10 minutes of checking out his plumber crack and making enough squirter jokes to make even him blush. Once he finished I kicked him out, closed the door (because I’m a fucking lady) and took my seat upon the throne. I have to admit I was a bit nervous at first and was super cautious about making the water too hot and my sphincter was also clearly nervous “Shit, you might wanna think about what you’re doing here!” (Jackson – Old Boy). But I put my big girl pants on, or in this case took them off and took the plunge “To a certain type of woman, I am a hero. I need to be a hero” (Jackson – Eve’s Bayou) After some trial and error, fortunately more trial and less error I had the perfect levels of both temperature and strength and hit toilet Nirvana. My only regret was not bringing a book with me. “Only God should have this power” (Jackson – Jumper) I would rarely classify a trip to the bathroom as “awesome”, more often it feels like I was just in a car accident and in desperate need of a shower but my Tushy is a game-changer. I feel cleaner, I’m using less toilet paper and to be perfectly honest (shocker) it feels pretty good. My glory hole has never felt so glorious and now I’m getting a Tushy in every bathroom.
