Not since Chucky (or in our feature image, the Bride of Chucky @barbiechulanyc) has there been such Buzz about a doll who is no longer where you left him last. I’m of course talking about the Elf on the Shelf…often imitated, never duplicated. He’s the little Elf doll that you secretly move around the house every night for your kid’s enjoyment, sometimes posing him in silly situations but always keeping up the gag that he has plans of his own and goes wherever he wants…when you read it like this it’s pretty fucking terrifying. We’ve seen the Mensch on a Bench, the Shrew on the Pew, the Deer with a Beer…ok fine, those last two are mine but don’t steal my ideas.
Many will say that much like a misplaced dildo (Armadillo on the Dildo?) the Elf has become an unexpected pain in the ass. Take a quick browse on any facebook mom’s group and you’ll find that the one thing they can all agree on is that they should have never started this tradition. If they had to do it over again they would have told their kids their Elf moved to Sweden and joined an ABBA tribute band.
God help us if you forget to move the damn thing one night and now you spend the next day rationalizing why a toy has not moved around the house…here’s a few suggestions
“Maybe if you were a better listener he would have moved”
“If you did better on that Math test then maybe the Elf would would love you more”
“Maybe if grandma wasn’t so controlling and approved of my parenting style then the fucking doll wouldn’t have sat there like a lump of shitty plastic silently judging me as I tried to balance my work life, my home life, menopause, being jealous of Gwen’s new Tesla, the fact that Big Bang Theory was cancelled…” wait, where was I going with this??
If you’re a normal mom like me then you may have read these three suggestions and said “ hmmm…that sounds about right”. Unless of course you are GWEN…little Mrs. Perfect. We all have a Gwen in our lives. Perfect lawn, perfect lighting in her Instagram posts, perfect life, perfect everything. I HATE HER because I’m jealous and that make me hate her even more (Gwen bangs three businessmen?)
So for all of us non-GWEN’s, I like to call us real-moms (Mamas in Pajamas?) I raise my well-deserved wine glass to you and offer you my help. There are plenty of sites to give you cute little kid-friendly ideas of what to do with you Elf, but you ain’t never seen a site like me before.
Maybe you get an Elf on the Shelf just for you and your husband and create these pics or better yet, you have your fun with the Elf yourself and you just make him watch. However you choose to pleasure yours(elf) make sure you tag us at Living Clean and Dirty when you post them on social media so we can admire and praise (and obviously judge) your work.
As far as I’m concerned, if all the Chucky movies were rated R, then why should the exploits of a self-aware Christmas-themed doll who is supposed to have his own adventures be any different. Right click on the calendar below, save the image and print it out for yourself, hang that shit up proudly on the fridge (or better yet, in the closet where you hide the booze)…why should the kids have all of the fun? Leave the “classy” for someone else and may all of your Elf adventures be filthy.
Happy Holidays
Ho-Ho-Ho
