So before you start asking “Ellen, is this really an article about zombies, Brad Pitt or your fear of being bloated?” Well, for the record it’s not about any of these things, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t seen Thelma and Louise at least a dozen times.

So, my real problem with zombie movies is me. I know if I was the main character I’d just give up. It just looks too hard to keep fighting and for what…you know in the end you’re either going to end up being a zombie or end up being lunch. Why fight it? Well, shit…now I feel awful about myself. I’m a bad-ass mom, I eat healthy, I own a treadmill and a cute workout outfit. In the face of overwhelming odds, am I really quitter? Don’t I want to be the cute, plucky superhero who saves the world and doesn’t treat their family like a 3-pack of TV dinners? I feel like these are valuable, yet oddly specific questions I have to ask myself. In the face of what may feel like an overwhelming crisis are you going to be Brad Pitt or are you going to be lunch? (although if being Brad Pitt’s lunch was an option I might change my answer)

Ok, a bit dramatic and I fully acknowledge that I’m not a superhero (although I have been known to pull off a decent Wonder Woman and a kick-ass Batgirl during Halloween). So while zombies are not (yet) a thing, there is a very real crisis that is actually sweeping the planet. It’s our very own real life World War C (it’s for Climate and unfortunately not for Cookie, because I might fight all of you for the last cookie). We need to realize that it’s no longer Climate Change – it’s more like Climate Already Changed. It’s not coming…it’s here. In my head I’ve combined the onslaught of a wave of zombies and my anxiety about Climate Change into an eco-boogey-man-mega-monster I have dubbed Climombies. And just like that beautiful scarf-wearing man I’m going to fight like hell and I’m going to do my best to drag you all along with me. Right now California and Montana are on fire, icebergs are melting, Europe is hotter than hell, Kentucky has too much water and Mississippi doesn’t have any, it’s time to go to work!

“But Ellen, I’m only one person, how many lights would I need to turn off during the day to make a real difference?”  Well, I’m here to tell you that the answer is…just one and tell a friend to turn off one too. If they tell a friend and that friend tells a friend then that’s how we beat the Climombies. I don’t want to be lunch, I want to be one of the green heroes we need right now and you can be one too (mask and costume are optional…but they definitely make some activities more fun.).

I started writing this blog before they called it “eco-anxiety” back in 2014 when it didn’t have a name. Well, 7 years later it has a name and now instead of letting the Climombies win by just lying down and getting eaten (metaphorically of course), I wanted to fight back. The time for talking is over. We are way past turning off lights when we leave a room and recycling your tin cans. These things are still important, but I want to talk about the next level of being eco-friendly. I like to give you tips and examples to make you say “huh, I never even thought of that”. I’m not going to tell you to go buy a Tesla or remind you that toilet paper has 2 sides, but if this was a zombie movie then we are at the start of the third act where shit starts getting real.

Whether you want to believe it or not the planet is hurting and it seems to be fighting back. We’re the ones who need to change, but it doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your way of life. With some simple “next-level” changes to our lives we can really make a big difference, and BONUS…save money at the same time.

Make no mistake, I’m not trying to sell you anything or make you feel bad that you use plastic straws or that you don’t always recycle. I’m here to tell you that climate change sucks and it’s ok to be pissed and afraid and you’re not alone. Unfortunately, Brad Pitt isn’t going to save the day, we are. Stay on the journey with me or join it for the first time now and if we all just put in a little bit of work then we can be the change we’ve been so desperately waiting for.

Think of it like using a bidet, sometimes all it takes is a slight adjustment to get the job done.

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Many will say that much like a misplaced dildo (Armadillo on the Dildo?) the Elf has become an unexpected pain in the ass.  Take a quick browse on any facebook mom’s group and you’ll find that the one thing they can all agree on is that they should have never started this tradition. If they had to do it over again they would have told their kids their Elf moved to Sweden and joined an ABBA tribute band.

God help us if you forget to move the damn thing one night and now you spend the next day rationalizing why a toy has not moved around the house…here’s a few suggestions

“Maybe if you were a better listener he would have moved”

“If you did better on that Math test then maybe the Elf would would love you more”

“Maybe if grandma wasn’t so controlling and approved of my parenting style then the fucking doll wouldn’t have sat there like a lump of shitty plastic silently judging me as I tried to balance my work life, my home life, menopause, being jealous of Gwen’s new Tesla, the fact that Big Bang Theory was cancelled…” wait, where was I going with this??

If you’re a normal mom like me then you may have read these three suggestions and said “ hmmm…that sounds about right”. Unless of course you are GWEN…little Mrs. Perfect.  We all have a Gwen in our lives.  Perfect lawn, perfect lighting in her Instagram posts, perfect life, perfect everything. I  HATE HER because I’m jealous and that make me hate her even more (Gwen bangs three businessmen?)

So for all of us non-GWEN’s, I like to call us real-moms (Mamas in Pajamas?) I raise my well-deserved wine glass to you and offer you my help. There are plenty of sites to give you cute little kid-friendly ideas of what to do with you Elf, but you ain’t never seen a site like me before.

Maybe you get an Elf on the Shelf just for you and your husband and create these pics or better yet, you have your fun with the Elf yourself and you just make him watch.  However you choose to pleasure yours(elf) make sure you tag us at Living Clean and Dirty when you post them on social media so we can admire and praise (and obviously judge) your work.

As far as I’m concerned, if all the Chucky movies were rated R, then why should the exploits of a self-aware Christmas-themed doll who is supposed to have his own adventures be any different. Right click on the calendar below, save the image and print it out for yourself, hang that shit up proudly on the fridge (or better yet, in the closet where you hide the booze)…why should the kids have all of the fun?  Leave the “classy” for someone else and may all of your Elf adventures be filthy.

Happy Holidays
Ho-Ho-Ho

The post What a doll! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.