1. They’re between 40-60% shorter than a Top 10 list making it quicker to read on the can so your legs don’t go numb.
2. They’re filled with just enough info yet not too much to make you eco-overwhelmed
3. Our attention spans aren’t what they used to be. I could go into more detail but you’ll skip right past it.
4. This makes me prioritize the things I don’t want you to miss out on. It keeps me from dumping a decade of knowledge into your unsuspecting lap yet still look super professional.
5. You can literally skip around and read what you want. It’s not like each of the 5 has a DON’T SKIP ME label on it, because that would be a dick move.

So anyway let’s get down to it…here are my Top 5 ways to to go green and save money in your shower.

DON’T SKIP ME #1
Rethink your shampoo and conditioner: You ever been at the bar late at night in your 20s when someone yells “Last Call!” You look around the bar and see a guy who looks 8 months pregnant with perkier boobs than you, there’s some guy randomly crying, a guy wearing an FBI shirt that says Federal Boob Inspector, and the 70 year old lothario who tells people he’s a fireman because “he knows how to turn the hoes on”.

Oddly specific? Sure.
Is it real or hypothetical? No comment (and shocker, turns out he was an accountant and not a fireman)
What does it have to do with the Top 5 list? Nothing but it’s a funny story.

But seriously, my point is if you want more options then you need to put in some effort.  If you run to the pharmacy 10 minutes before they close, then you’re going to end up with haircare products that do the job but aren’t exactly your first choice. That’s how you wake up with someone who is probably not REALLY in the FBI.

To make your lives easier I did the research for you (and I don’t even know how to turn the hoes on).

Option #1 is a shampoo or conditioner bar which seems weird at first. It’s usually smaller than a standard bar of soap and you have to lather it up in your hands before you put it on your head, but after using it a few times you’re hooked. You realize the bottle of shampoo was all water anyway so why waste space in your shower and all that packaging. I liked the Badger Shampoo Bar.

Option #2 is a subscription service that sends you shampoo and conditioner in environmentally friendly bottles. We love Plaine Products. It’s so easy and because it’s a subscription I never run out. Order your first bottle (with pump top) and by the time that runs out your replacement bottle will have arrived. Swap out the pump top and return the empty original bottle with a prepaid label and the box it came in. Not a fan of subscriptions? You can manually just order a replacement when you’re running low and follow the same return instructions. Rinse and Repeat, it’s that simple.

Option #3 is to find a zero-waste store that offers refills. WHAT? Did I just blow your mind? Yup, they exist. They’re bulk stores for personal care products. You bring your own container and you fill it up. Brilliant right?

Option #4 is for my DIY people. There are a ton of recipes to make your own. Skip the conditioner and make your own apple cider vinegar rinse (just google that one too). Or you can always reach out to me as I’ve done a lot of the work already. I’d be happy to share some of the recipes that have worked out for me (as well as some that haven’t)

DON’T SKIP ME #2
Drop your Soap: I haven’t bought soap from a store since 2016! I have a soap dealer, yes you read that right. Years ago I was at a farmer’s market and came across a vendor selling homemade soap. This person was not the creator, just the seller. I had just had a conversation with my husband who swore he’d never leave his favorite green St. Patrick’s Day-themed brand of Leprechaun lather.  Long story short, we never purchased green soap again (that’s a whole other story that you can read about here). Now as much as we loved our new soap it was expensive so I took out the middle man. I contacted the creator directly and we made a deal. We meet up (I’m dressed like Carmen Sandiego with dark glasses and I carry a briefcase, she dresses normal), I buy her soap in bulk and she gives me a discount. There’s no chemicals, it’s locally made, no shipping charges and lowers my impact on the environment. Biggest bonus…I’m supporting a local business and I know what’s in it. But if you can’t seem to find your own soap dealer there are tons of toxic free options on Etsy. Just be careful. My soap dealer says to make sure you read the ingredients (if they don’t list them then don’t buy it).

DON’T SKIP ME #3
Trade in your Razor Burn for a Safety Dance: Our shower caddy used to have at least 2-3 plastic razors in it, pink for me and blue for him. It looked like a goth gender reveal party and it was really just a lot of crappy plastic that we were paying for. Over the years we dumped the disposables and opted for buying the razor handles with the detachable heads, we were on the right track but still a lot of wasted material. Fortunately there is an even eco-friendlier option regaining some popularity. When I was a kid medicine cabinets had razor blade slots where you would toss used blades into an abyss. This was really just a hole in the wall where they would pile up. I’m not saying this is an excellent idea, especially for the contractor who finds the surprise when redoing your 1960s bathroom, BUT the old fashioned safety razor is making a comeback. It’s plastic free, sturdy (seriously this might be the one and only razor you use for the rest of your life), has steel recyclable blades and is WAY better for the environment. I have a test subject in mind (let’s call him husband) so be on the lookout for an article about that experience in the near future.

Bonus option…if you’re an eco-loving, hairy crazy woman like me you can ditch the razors and shaving cream forever and go for laser hair removal. Warning – it’s EXPENSIVE but seriously it’s the best. I shave maybe once or twice a year. I figured with waxing, buying razors and shaving cream I’ll end up saving money over my lifetime.

DON’T SKIP ME #4
Low Flow is Good to Go: I’ve been talking about this for at least 7 years. When low flow shower heads first came out all I heard was you’ll lose all your water pressure. Not sure what changed but they’ve come a long way and I have zero complaints about my shower and my 50+ husband is a little jealous of the stream strength. Honestly, I don’t have a prostate but I don’t think I would want the water pressure any stronger than it is now. I like to refer to the handheld shower head as “Mommy’s fun spray” and it gets the job done (am I right ladies?). My hubby loves all the different spray modes (hopefully for different reasons) and the best part is they’re super easy to install and saves water and you money. Here’s one of my picks to get you started

Bonus idea…you can get a Berkey shower filter to attach to make sure you’re bathing with clean, chemical free water.

DON’T SKIP ME #5
A better option than Paper or Plastic: I first learned about soap bags when I cheated on my soap lady and ordered this bar of soap. It came with a soap bag. I thought it was just for packaging, but turns out it’s great for exfoliation and foaming up. It dries in between showers keeping it from disintegrating which also saves you money. When your soap bar gets super small it won’t matter because it’s in the bag and won’t keep falling out of your hands (that’s less bending over in the shower, sorry hubby). So if you don’t want to be feeling around on the wet shower floor with your eyes squinted shut like Velma looking for her glasses (Scooby Dooby Doo!) then you should definitely check these out. They sell tons of them on Etsy and Amazon (like this one) and if you buy a good one, you can wash it and use it for a really, really, really long time.

I should point out, my husband made his own Top 5 Shower list for me. It went about as you’d expect.

1. Save water and shower with your husband
2. Skip the dermatologist and go on a mole hunt together in the shower…with your husband
3. Shower with your husband and pick up the soap for him if he drops it.
4. Golden Showers…no water wasted on flushing
5. If we do it in the shower then there’s no reason to wash the bed sheets…less laundry to do.
6. 2 words…Soapy Frontal Massage

At least he’s predictable, even if he can’t count. That’s not bad for a Federal Boob Inspector

The post Top 5 Ways to Go Green and Save Money in Your Shower appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I was going to preface my Top 5 list with all the usual hits.

• Change can sometimes be scary, but it comes with a huge sense of accomplishment
• Think of this as a whole new opportunity
• It’s empowering
• It can lead to anal orgasms
• Add a little variety to your life

OK, to be fair, these are all the reasons my hubby has presented over the years to try to introduce butt stuff into our bedroom (or closet, or shower, etc) but to be fair I think at least 80% of his failed arguments are strong contenders to embrace my year-end Top 5.

So without further ado…I present to you my Top 5 ways to go green and save money in your bathroom.

1. Bidet Attachment: 1990 me: “This is the stupidest water fountain I have ever seen” Current me: “How did I ever live without this.” You know who has 2 thumbs and loves a clean butthole…well, hopefully everyone but I can only speak for myself when I say “this gal!”. While I’m not a butthole expert (yes, that’s my husband laughing that you hear) when I upgraded all of the toilets in my house to low-flow I also tried a few different brands of toilet mounted bidets. I bought a moderately priced one (Hello Tushy) a more affordable big box store version (Hello Lowes) and a super cheapy model (Hello Amazon) for the bathroom that my husband has claimed as his own. I can report that honestly there’s really no difference between them. Now you can certainly go over the top (or the bottom in this case) and get one with a heated toilet seat, one that sprays warm water up your butt, and one even has a wireless remote control (I’m shaking my head on that one). The “bottom” line is regardless of the brand, you use WAY less toilet paper, your precious little starfish is definitely cleaner and for you ladies out there if you angle your hips just right, well…you may be spending a little extra time in the bathroom. Want to know more about the flower-shower? Here’s some bathroom reading material for you right HERE.
2. Toilet Paper: Of course this is number 2, but the bidet article was a strong runner up. Approximately 27,000 trees are cut down EVERY DAY (yes that says EVERY DAY) just to make toilet paper. First thing you can do to cut down on that waste is buy a bidet (see item #1). Next step, switch to recycled or bamboo toilet paper. Don’t get scared, recycled toilet paper is not using someone else’s – that’s just disgusting. It’s toilet paper made from recycled materials. More and more companies are making eco-friendly toilet paper options like Who Gives a Crap or you can buy bamboo toilet paper which is a renewable resource and does not contain toxins. I love Reel because it’s made with 100% tree-free fibers, making it the most sustainable paper on the market. Plus, all of the shipping materials are biodegradable and they use plastic-free packaging. And for my hardcore fans out there…toilet paper does have 2 sides.
3. Bamboo or Recycled Toothbrush: According to the American Dental Association, we throw away one billion plastic toothbrushes each year just in the United States. That’s billion with a B. Now I may have to stand next to you one day so I’m not telling you to stop brushing your teeth. I’m saying you can do it without creating this much waste. There are companies like Preserve, that make toothbrushes from recycled #5 plastic (plastic bottle tops, yogurt containers, kitchenware, etc) so they’ve created a circular product. What does that mean? When you’re done with it you can send it back and they’ll recycle it into a new product. Looking for another eco-friendly toothbrush idea? Try bamboo brushes. They are naturally biodegradable and you can find them with BPA free bristles that you remove before disposing of them. They come in adult and children sizes (make your kids an eco-warrior while they’re young) and some even have zero-waste packaging. All jokes aside, these are a huge hit in my house, I even bought separate ones for my dogs…yes, my dogs.
4. Toothpaste Tabs: My grandma used to be so proud of her teeth. I remember when she was 95 years old she would smile and say, “Ellen, they’re all mine and I still have every one of them.” Being a teenager, I’d roll my eyes but now I get it. I also will never forget she brushed her teeth after every meal and always used toothpaste powder. I remember it because I was used to seeing toothpaste in a tube and never as a powder. Turns out grandma not only had awesome teeth but was an eco-warrior too. It’s next to impossible to get all the toothpaste out of a tube and they’re made of a plastic that is very difficult to recycle so it ends up in the trash, but not anymore. There are a bunch of companies that make toothpaste tabs that are easy to use, come in glass jars (that you can refill, reuse, or recycle) and here’s the bonus…made without harmful ingredients (yup, you can be using toothpaste with toxic ingredients like fluoride, triclosan, carrageenan, parabens, SLS). I’ve used Bite toothpaste bits and like them because it’s 100% plastic free, they make different flavors (even ones for kids) and they just plain work.
5. Floss: When I say floss, my kids and husband start doing their Fortnite dance, but as a classy adult woman my mind instantly goes to Pretty Woman. Remember the scene where Julia Roberts gets caught flossing (not the dance) and she says “You shouldn’t neglect your gums.” Chances are she wasn’t using biodegradable and compostable dental floss, and chances are you’re probably not either. So use up what you have and when you need more look for dental floss that biodegradable, free from parabens, fragrance, SLS, phthalates (all the bad stuff) and packaged in a glass jar. I think my husband would be thrilled to find out I’m picking up some tips from a Rom-Com movie prostitute, but might end up being disappointed to learn that the tip is about dental hygiene. But fear not hubby, always remember my second favorite Pretty Woman quote…”I Appreciate This Whole Seduction Thing You’ve Got Going On Here, But Let Me Give You A Tip: I’m A Sure Thing.”

The post Top 5 Ways to Go Green and Save Money in Your Bathroom appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

One of my husband’s favorites is “Shaft” which by the name alone is funny enough and should be on one of those Facebook lists “movie names that sound like porn”. There’s a line in the movie where Jackson’s character John Shaft is putting the moves on a lady and delivers the line “You know me…it’s my duty to please that booty”. I know, not exactly Shakespeare in the Park but still pretty good.  Why am I talking about this movie? Obviously this falls under the Dirty category but what does this have to do with Living Clean? Well, “hold on to your butts”. (that’s a Jackson quote from Jurassic Park)

Let’s talk about butts. My husband’s famous line to our girls is “opinions are like butts, everyone has them and no one wants to hear yours”. We use expressions like “being the butt of a joke”, “butt naked”, “butt-ugly” “work your butt off” or my favorite “butt-munch”. There are a myriad of songs dedicated to our moneymakers.  We like dropping off our older daughter at her friend’s house with the windows and top down and “I Like Big Butts” cranked up on the stereo, she thinks it’s hilarious (no, she doesn’t…not even a little and I think she hates us). The point is…as a society, we seem to have a rump-obsession, but I think we are “behind” the times in truly taking care of them.

Me? I absolutely love my Tushy.

My husband has become a huge fan of my Tushy too. My younger daughter thinks my Tushy is pretty great. My teenager is…well…a teenager, so enthusiasm isn’t really her thing.

Before this gets any weirder, I’m not talking about my actual rear end.

I’m talking about my Tushy, a bidet attachment that mounts under your toilet seat and washes your backside after you do your business.

Everyone poops…it’s not just a child’s bedtime story, it’s a fact of life. As Americans we have become accustomed to a roll of toilet paper being our chief caboose cleaner, but if you travel anywhere outside of the US you’re likely to come across a bidet and you know why… because they’re not as gross as we are. “Are you ready for the truth?” (Jackson quote – Unbreakable)…

Picture if you will…you and I walking down the street probably to or from a bar and out of nowhere I flung shit at you (mine or someone else’s, let it be your choice) and it landed on your arm, would you calmly ask for a napkin and gently wipe it off? Hell no! “Who the fuck is this asshole?” (Jackson – Coming to America) You’d freak the fuck out that I soiled you and immediately start scrubbing your arm Silkwood-style. I’m picturing water, soap, bleach and probably a flame thrower. There would be crying, vomiting, a lot of explaining and quite possibly a Facebook post. I of course would find this hilarious.

Yet in the privacy of our own home or god forbid a poorly ventilated bathroom stall at work, we pinch a loaf and then ball up a wad of toilet paper like a catcher’s mitt, give our crack a couple of swipes and call it a day. Well…”God put you in my path and I aim to cure you of your wicked ways.” (Jackson – Black Snake Moan)

Toilet paper still has a place. Think of it as the finishing touch. But it’s no longer my primary weapon in the war against dingleberries and skid marks. “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” (Jackson – The Spirit)

When I first started researching bidets, I pictured one of those carnival games where you shoot a stream of water into the clown’s mouth. The thought of blasting my poor unsuspecting backside with a jet of water wasn’t exactly appealing. Fortunately, today’s bidet attachments are nothing like that.

The Tushy installs right between your toilet seat and the bowl. There are several companies that make bidet attachments, but this was the one that checked all my boxes. I splurged for the warm-water model because cold water aimed in that general direction sounded less like a spa treatment and more like an emergency evacuation.

Installation was surprisingly easy.  Well…it was surprisingly easy for my husband.  I supervised.

Once everything was hooked up, I politely kicked him out of the bathroom because I’m a lady, sat down and prepared for what can only be described as the strangest leap of faith of my adult life.

I started cautiously.

Tiny bit of water.

Tiny adjustment.

A little warmer.

A little stronger.

A few seconds later…

“Only God should have this power.” (Jackson – Jumper)

I had found the sweet spot.

I’m not saying a bidet changed my life.

I’m just saying I feel cleaner, I use a lot less toilet paper and I honestly don’t know why I waited so long to get one.

In fact, I liked it so much that I’m planning to put one in every bathroom in the house.

Once you bidet…you’ll never go away.

The post I’m Not Being Pushy, I Just Love my Tushy appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

First, don’t touch his soap.   I already knew this was coming, so I did what any smart woman would do…I kept his shit next to my shit and made it HIS idea to switch.  My hubby LOVED a certain green soap he’d been using since long before we met.  My friend and I were talking about this and she told me her hubby was also a fan, must be a dude thing.  So I put my soap next to his (imagine a Prius parked next to a Hummer and sure enough, when his soap was running low he picked up my organic, locally made soap (not by me – I just don’t have that kind of time and I’ve never seen Fight Club) and LOVED it.  Goodbye red-headed kilt-wearing whistling green soap and hello deep sea mud.  A disclaimer about my hand-crafted-a-few-towns-away-from-me soap:  it’s not cheaper than what you find on the shelves, but I care what goes on that man’s body.  I found the soap I use at a local farmer’s market and contacted the woman who actually made it.  We agreed that if I bought it in bulk, she would sell it to me for almost half the price.  Now, every few months we meet in parking lots around our town for a “soap drop” (Mark, please…that’s too easy).  If you can’t find your own “soap dealer” there are some awesome companies that make soap without all the chemicals and fragrances.  I started my switch with Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap but you can check the Environmental Working Group’s Safe Cosmetics Database (www.ewg.org) to see all the toxin free alternatives.

Wife 1 – Hubby 0

Second, don’t touch his toothpaste.  OK, here’s what is actually printed on his tube of toothpaste and probably on some of yours:  “Keep out of reach of children under 6 years of age.  If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.”

You’re fucking kidding me right?  Who the hell hasn’t accidentally swallowed some of this crap?  Before I switched my kids over to my toothpaste they probably swallowed so much of it over the years they could refill an entire tube.  Why would I let his mouth that I love so much purposely put something so foul in it? (come on, the site is called clean and DIRTY…sorry mom).  The only time we should be looking up the number for poison control is around the holidays when somebody brings a fruit cake over.  Poison toothpaste…awesome.

Let’s move past the whole poison aspect because fluoride was the rabbit hole that sent me down the internet for weeks. I’m not a scientist or a doctor, so do your own research, but after reading everything I could get my hands on, I decided fluoride-free toothpaste was the right choice for me and my family. So that’s the first thing I look for when I’m standing in the toothpaste aisle. I must have tried 5 different ones until I found one I thought didn’t taste like shit, not that I’ve ever eaten shit but you get the idea.  When I found the brand I liked, my hubby didn’t and stuck with his triple-protection poison paste.  Like Noah’s bathroom vanity for a while there were two different bars of soap and two different tubes of toothpaste and life went on.  The next time he started running low I bought a new flavor and switched it on him one morning when he was running late for work…and then I hid downstairs away from his cries of confusion.  Fast forward a week or so and we’re both brushing healthier and sharing my toothpaste (but not toothbrushes because that’s just gross).

Wife 2 – Hubby 0

Third, don’t touch his deodorant.  I’m always talking about baby steps, and I completely agree that change sucks.  I got him to change soap and toothpaste in the same month, that’s a pretty big accomplishment in my book and my tactics never required any couples therapy which is always a plus.  I make my own deodorant and that just weirds him out.  He thinks you shouldn’t be able to eat your deodorant and loves his traditional, aluminum filled stick.  What can you do, we’re all a work in progress.  We’re exposed to so many toxins daily that if you just switch a few things, it helps.  You can think I’m a foul-mouthed whack job (not completely untrue) and that’s ok, but when you’re looking to buy your next product because you ran out, try something new, read the list of ingredients, GET EDUCATED.

Like Meatloaf sang “Two out of three ain’t bad” (Meatloaf was in Fight Club, there’s your Six Degrees of Getting Green right there)

Final Score: Wife 2 – Hubby 1    –   Happy Marriage

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