1. Make a List and Check It Twice:

Before you get caught up in the holiday shopping tornado, plan your attack. Make a list of killer gifts that are not just thoughtful but also Eco-conscious. Have you ever gone food shopping without a list? You know you end up buying tons of stuff you don’t need, but if you keep to a list you’re going to save money and buy only what you use.

2. Support Local Hustles:

Forget the big-box madness. Hit up the local markets, craft fairs, and boutiques. Supporting local businesses helps your community, fellow local humans and shrinks your carbon footprint. Double win! If there’s nothing that interests you locally, check out sellers on Etsy or online small businesses – you still may be shipping items to you but at least you’re supporting small businesses and getting really unique gifts.

3. Choose Products That Are the Real MVPs:

Opt for gifts made from sustainable materials. Think organic, think reusable, think stuff that won’t end up haunting landfills for centuries. Your gifts should be as long-lasting as your Aunt Karen’s fruitcake (but way more desirable). This is where you may spend more money but it will save you money in the long run. Buy quality items that will last.

4. Get Crafty with DIY Magic:

Unleash your inner crafting wizard. DIY gifts are not just about saving cash; they’re about creating something unique and lowering the environmental impact. Plus, it’s a legit excuse to get glitter everywhere. This year I had leftover material from a project that I had no use for so I created throw pillows for my kids. They loved them, and since I’m not a pro and there were seams – my kids said the “imperfections made it more perfect”. My oldest daughter took a knitting class in college (I know, I know, it sounds like the new underwater basket-weaving but she loved it) and now made everyone’s scarves and hats for the holidays. Check out my red penis scarf – it’s my favorite gift!

5. Experiences Over Things:

Gift memories, not just things. Concert tickets, museums, spa days, or a virtual escape room – experiences beat material possessions any day of the week. My daughter cannot tell you what doll or game I bought her for the holidays 5 years ago, but she remembers the ice skating lessons we got for her. We even got the whole family involved that year when her grandma bought her a new pair of ice skates. We celebrated our other daughter’s birthday with a Broadway show and a day in NYC. Less stuff, more memories. It’s the way to go.

6. Wrap It Up, Green Style:

Ditch the boring wrapping paper and get imaginative. Use recycled paper, fabric scraps, or repurpose old newspapers or maps. And hey, reusable gift wraps like scarves or tote bags? Double the gift, zero the waste.

7. Eco-Friendly Holiday Cards:

Send e-cards or pick cards made from recycled materials. Or, how about going digital and sending a video message? Because why waste paper when you can be a video star? My favorite holidays gifts from my kids were when they wrote me letters – years later when I need a little pick-me-up I still read them.

Those are my Lucky 7 Eco-friendly suggestions. Stay tuned because I don’t live on Mars and know that you’re going to buy some stuff for the holidays so watch out for my holiday shopping guide coming to a computer screen near you. Together, we CAN celebrate the season without trashing the planet. Cheers to a dirty, clean holiday season! 🌍🎁 #DirtyCleanHolidays #SustainableCelebrations #LivingCleanAndDirty

The post Dirty Santa, Clean Earth: Navigating Eco-Friendly Holidays Like a Pro appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I’m talking to all you soon-to-be freshmen out there, so listen up! Your parents have been busting their butts trying to turn you into functioning members of society for the past 18-ish years and while our job never ends, it’s now up to you to start making some smart choices on your own. Much like shower fungus (don’t forget your flip-flops) being eco-friendly can be super contagious so if you play your cards right, before you know it you’ll have your whole dorm joining in the fight to save Mother Earth.

So parents, grab a compostable cup of fair-trade coffee and join me as we celebrate the incredible journey your child is about to embark on – a journey filled with eco-conscious choices, sustainable adventures, and a commitment to leaving a positive footprint on this precious planet we call home. And if you don’t have kids or they’re not old enough for college yet, don’t worry – this list is a guide perfect for college kids, grandparents, and anyone just trying to be a little bit greener.

• Sustainable Shopping:

Picture this: No matter what meal plan you end up getting, you could still find yourself doing some shopping for some snacks and pantry items for your room. Do your best to make sustainable choices for your in-person or online shopping cart. Opt for organic, locally sourced produce, and choose products with minimal packaging. Say no to single-use plastics and hello to reusable water bottles, coffee cups, and utensils. Remember, every small step counts!

Real-life example: Meet Sarah, a college freshman who started a trend on campus by organizing a weekly farmers market. She connected local farmers with students, promoting healthy, sustainable eating while supporting the community. Way to go, Sarah!

• Energy-Saving Hacks:

Living on your own means having control over your energy consumption. Embrace the power of energy-saving hacks to keep your carbon footprint in check. Turn off lights when you leave a room, unplug electronics when they’re not in use, and make the most of natural light during the day. Opt for energy-efficient dorm-size appliances and use power strips to easily switch off multiple devices. You don’t get an electric bill (unless you’re living off campus) but your making smart choices which will benefit the planet now and your wallet later.

Real-life example: Meet Alex, a freshman who started a dorm competition to see who could reduce their energy consumption the most. By encouraging his fellow students to be mindful of their energy usage, he created a fun and eco-friendly atmosphere in the residence hall. Kudos, Alex!

• Waste Reduction:

College life often means countless coffee runs and late-night study sessions with snacks galore. But all those disposable cups, food containers, and wrappers can add up quickly. Embrace waste reduction by opting for a reusable coffee mug and bringing your own food containers and utensils. Embrace the art of recycling and composting, and encourage your dorm mates to join the eco-warrior squad.

Real-life example: Meet Maya, a freshman who initiated a composting program in her dormitory. With the help of her environmentally conscious peers, she transformed food waste into nutrient-rich compost, which was used in the campus garden. Great work, Maya!

• Sustainable Transportation:

Not everyone lives on campus, so we didn’t forget about you commuters out there. Bid farewell to traffic jams and parking struggles by embracing sustainable transportation options. Dust off your bicycle or invest in a skateboard or scooter for a fun and eco-friendly way to navigate campus. Utilize public transportation whenever possible, and carpool with friends to reduce carbon emissions. Your daily commute can become an adventure for both you and the planet.

Real-life example: Meet Jake, a freshman who started a bike-sharing program on campus, making it easy for students to access bikes for their daily commute. He even organized group rides to explore nearby nature trails, promoting a healthy and sustainable lifestyle. Way to pedal, Jake!

• Engage and Educate:

One of the most powerful ways to create change is by engaging and educating others. Join environmental clubs, attend sustainability events, and take part in community service projects that focus on eco-conscious initiatives. Share your knowledge, inspire your peers, and together, you can create a greener campus and a brighter future.

Real-life example: Meet Emily, a freshman who organized a “Green Living Week” on campus. She hosted workshops, film screenings, and panel discussions to raise awareness about eco-friendly living. Her dedication to sustainability ignited a passion in many fellow students, leading to long-lasting change. You rock, Emily!

As you embark on your college journey, don’t forget that you have the power to make a difference. By implementing these eco-friendly tips and following the footsteps of these real-life eco-heroes, you’ll not only reduce your environmental impact but also inspire others to join the movement. Embrace the adventure of college life while living clean and green. Together, we can create a sustainable future, one freshman at a time.

Remember, change starts with you!

And if you’re craving more eco-inspiration, be sure to check out LivingCleanandDirty.com for a treasure trove of sustainable living ideas, tips, and delicious planet-friendly recipes.

Pass this onto anyone who has a kid in college or going to college. Stay tuned for future articles on which products will be best for an eco-friendly dorm or join the Facebook group, Eco-Friendly Dorm Essentials & Discounts, moderated by me for ideas and discounts!

Happy eco-friendly college life!

The post The Freshman’s Guide to Living Clean and Green: College Edition appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

One of my husband’s favorites is “Shaft” which by the name alone is funny enough and should be on one of those Facebook lists “movie names that sound like porn”. There’s a line in the movie where Jackson’s character John Shaft is putting the moves on a lady and delivers the line “You know me…it’s my duty to please that booty”. I know, not exactly Shakespeare in the Park but still pretty good.  Why am I talking about this movie? Obviously this falls under the Dirty category but what does this have to do with Living Clean? Well, “hold on to your butts”. (that’s a Jackson quote from Jurassic Park)

Let’s talk about butts. My husband’s famous line to our girls is “opinions are like butts, everyone has them and no one wants to hear yours”. We use expressions like “being the butt of a joke”, “butt naked”, “butt-ugly” “work your butt off” or my favorite “butt-munch”. There are a myriad of songs dedicated to our moneymakers.  We like dropping off our older daughter at her friend’s house with the windows and top down and “I Like Big Butts” cranked up on the stereo, she thinks it’s hilarious (no, she doesn’t…not even a little and I think she hates us). The point is…as a society, we seem to have a rump-obsession, but I think we are “behind” the times in truly taking care of them.

Me? I absolutely love my Tushy.

My husband has become a huge fan of my Tushy too. My younger daughter thinks my Tushy is pretty great. My teenager is…well…a teenager, so enthusiasm isn’t really her thing.

Before this gets any weirder, I’m not talking about my actual rear end.

I’m talking about my Tushy, a bidet attachment that mounts under your toilet seat and washes your backside after you do your business.

Everyone poops…it’s not just a child’s bedtime story, it’s a fact of life. As Americans we have become accustomed to a roll of toilet paper being our chief caboose cleaner, but if you travel anywhere outside of the US you’re likely to come across a bidet and you know why… because they’re not as gross as we are. “Are you ready for the truth?” (Jackson quote – Unbreakable)…

Picture if you will…you and I walking down the street probably to or from a bar and out of nowhere I flung shit at you (mine or someone else’s, let it be your choice) and it landed on your arm, would you calmly ask for a napkin and gently wipe it off? Hell no! “Who the fuck is this asshole?” (Jackson – Coming to America) You’d freak the fuck out that I soiled you and immediately start scrubbing your arm Silkwood-style. I’m picturing water, soap, bleach and probably a flame thrower. There would be crying, vomiting, a lot of explaining and quite possibly a Facebook post. I of course would find this hilarious.

Yet in the privacy of our own home or god forbid a poorly ventilated bathroom stall at work, we pinch a loaf and then ball up a wad of toilet paper like a catcher’s mitt, give our crack a couple of swipes and call it a day. Well…”God put you in my path and I aim to cure you of your wicked ways.” (Jackson – Black Snake Moan)

Toilet paper still has a place. Think of it as the finishing touch. But it’s no longer my primary weapon in the war against dingleberries and skid marks. “Come on! Toilets are always funny!” (Jackson – The Spirit)

When I first started researching bidets, I pictured one of those carnival games where you shoot a stream of water into the clown’s mouth. The thought of blasting my poor unsuspecting backside with a jet of water wasn’t exactly appealing. Fortunately, today’s bidet attachments are nothing like that.

The Tushy installs right between your toilet seat and the bowl. There are several companies that make bidet attachments, but this was the one that checked all my boxes. I splurged for the warm-water model because cold water aimed in that general direction sounded less like a spa treatment and more like an emergency evacuation.

Installation was surprisingly easy.  Well…it was surprisingly easy for my husband.  I supervised.

Once everything was hooked up, I politely kicked him out of the bathroom because I’m a lady, sat down and prepared for what can only be described as the strangest leap of faith of my adult life.

I started cautiously.

Tiny bit of water.

Tiny adjustment.

A little warmer.

A little stronger.

A few seconds later…

“Only God should have this power.” (Jackson – Jumper)

I had found the sweet spot.

I’m not saying a bidet changed my life.

I’m just saying I feel cleaner, I use a lot less toilet paper and I honestly don’t know why I waited so long to get one.

In fact, I liked it so much that I’m planning to put one in every bathroom in the house.

Once you bidet…you’ll never go away.

The post I’m Not Being Pushy, I Just Love my Tushy appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Whenever I start talking about my open hips, hubby loves to chime in with  few off color jokes, but this story is actually about Yoga.  Not the little green guy from Star Wars and not the bear who was filthy for picnic baskets, I’m talking about the ancient art of health and relaxation with such wholesome poses as “downward dog”, “camel pose” (I said pose) and the “easy plow pose”.

When I first started yoga I learned that I have very wide, open hips (ugh, I can already hear him laughing).Before you let your imagination run wild, I don’t mean that in a slutty way. I was born this way and can literally sit in a butterfly position, with the soles of my feet together and my knees touching the floor, then lean all the way forward until I’m lying flat. Go ahead…try it. Most people are lucky if they get halfway there. You’ll be lucky if you can lean forward enough to decide if it’s a “Summer’s Eve” kind of day, much less fold yourself like you’re being shipped out by Amazon.

Freshness aside, let’s get back to my open hips.  Last week I was in yoga class doing Pigeon Pose and was literally lying face down on the floor. This is something that usually amazes my instructors, and I even had one announce to the class not to use me as an example because it’s just not normal. So there I was, one leg straight, one tucked underneath me, staring at the floor while doing my deep breathing.

Naturally my mind wandered.  Not to enlightenment.  To Subway sandwiches.  To be fair, this isn’t even close to the weirdest place my brain has gone during yoga.

• Was Snow White having sex with any of those dwarfs? Is there hidden meaning to them singing “Hi Ho”?
• If a smurf couldn’t breathe, what color would he turn?
• Every hand I’ve shaken has held a penis.
• Why is W called double U, shouldn’t it be called double V?
• If I fart in the shower before I turn the water on will it still smell as bad?
• Is a hotdog technically a sandwich?

…and speaking of sandwiches, I’ve loved the veggie sandwich at Subway long before I became a vegetarian. I’ve tried desperately to recreate it at home, but it never tastes the same.  As PR nightmares go, it’s hard to top Jared. But I think we all remember the “yoga mat” controversy about what was being put into Subway’s bread. The word on the street is those ingredients have since been removed, which is obviously great news. But for this health-conscious, open-hipped mama, it got me thinking…

What exactly was I rolling around on three to five days a week?

I spend a lot of time on my yoga mat. I’m face down on it, breathing into it and occasionally drooling on it after a particularly relaxing class. If I was making an effort to eat cleaner and live healthier, it only made sense that my yoga mat should be as “clean” as everything else I was bringing into my life.

After way too much research (you’re welcome), these are my top three picks.

(1) Jade Harmony Yoga Mat: Made in the USA with natural rubber in a sustainable manner. Contain no PVC, EVA or other synthetic rubber and BONUS…for every mat sold they plant a tree. This was one of the more expensive mats I bought but I reasoned that I can use it for a long time and it was so highly recommended that I splurged on myself.

(2) Manduka Welcome Yoga Mat: Eco-friendly manufacturing, free of solvents and toxic glues. Made with energy efficient manufacturing as the company strives to minimize environmental waste and make products that last. This is the mat I bought my pre-teen daughter and it was perfect. She was starting to go to yoga and I wasn’t sure if she’d like it so I didn’t want to buy her a more expensive Jade YET I wanted her to have a safe and “clean” yoga mat too. This was a perfect choice for her. After we started going together we got confused on whose mat belonged to whom and would switch off. I found myself using this one more than my Jade.

(3) Gaiam Yoga Mat: This one I don’t personally own…yet but tons of yogis in my studio use it. Both my mats are a plain-Jane blue color but these come in all sorts of fun colors and designs on them so you can be eco-friendly, safe and stylish all at the same time. These are made without the six most harmful phthalates (DEHP, DBP, BBP, DINP, DIDP and DNOP – it’s like the alphabet soup of toxins), latex free and they even sell mats just for kids. They’re reasonably priced and this is definitely going to be my next birthday gift to myself.

So there you have it. Three yoga mats that let me focus on my breathing instead of wondering what mystery chemicals I’m lying on.  Hubby still isn’t convinced about yoga, he thinks it’s more like if Twister was a one player game.  After showing him some of the latest poses I’ve been working on I’m pretty sure I hear him upstairs shopping online for “2-person yoga mat, washable”.

The post All Yoga Mats are Created Equal is A Bit of a Stretch appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

One of my faves was Pretty Woman.  A love story about a sexually philanthropic woman, a corporate vulture who pays for sex and Hector Elizondo.  It has it all, and it also has a super-random quote from “Happy Man” as described by IMDB.

“Welcome to Hollywood! What’s your dream? Everybody comes here; this is Hollywood, land of dreams. Some dreams come true, some don’t; but keep on dreamin’ – this is Hollywood. Always time to dream, so keep on dreamin’.”

We’ve all got dreams. Just the other night I had a dream that I was a real life poop emoji and Bruce Springsteen was chasing me around a dairy farm with a loaf of bread singing a song about a turd sandwich.

You know, the usual stuff.

But my real dream…my dreamiest dream is that one day I would be the greatest most powerful eco-warrior in all the land!!!  I would be like the love child of Ed Begley Jr and Wonder Woman (although that has the potential to be a disaster, and hopefully that conception would be immaculate). Well, about 7 years ago my dreams took a another leap forward and my eco-warrior status reached new heights, and as it turned out that height was about 25 feet from the ground.  Eminem knew how to raise a roof but I don’t think he ever thought about putting 42 magnificent sun-guzzling solar panels on it.

My BFF, who shall remain nameless, doesn’t even recycle…can you imagine? I say to her all the time “Allison (that’s with 2 Ls) it takes all of us working together to save the Earth.” To which she will respond “you’re right Ellen, feel free to recycle all of the soda cans in my car”.  And that’s why she’s my pal.  She calls me “Mother Superior” because I love the planet and I love for everyone to know it.

She loves me but thinks I act all superior about my reducing, recycling and reusing but I’m not (well, maybe just a little)…I just love helping others find their inner eco-warrior. I do more than your average bear, but I know I can’t stop climate change alone. In the opening of Knight Rider they say “one man can make a difference”. Now I may not be a man with a sweet perm and a talking car, but I am an Earth-loving mama who drives a hybrid and loves saving money and the Earth, not always in that order.  You may have read an earlier article about my hate-hate relationship with the sun and how I go from pasty white to crimson burn in no time flat but thanks to the magic of solar panels I fell in love with the sun all over again.

I grew up with a dad who would scream, “Turn the lights off, we don’t own LILCO.” (For those of you who didn’t grow up on Long Island it’s the equivalent to “We don’t own the electric company!” And I mean the company who supplies power to your house, not the oddly psychedelic kids show from the 70s which featured such inspiring icons like Bill Cosby, Morgan Freeman and Woody Allen). My father was a great man, but not what you would call an eco-warrior, he was more of an econo-warrior…finding ways to save money was his passion.  He hated paying high electric bills and nobody was prouder than he was when my electric bills started to drastically go down faster than Kevin Spacey’s career.

The ancient Greeks, Romans and Chinese used glass and mirrors to harness the power of the sun, the 1950s saw the introduction of solar cells using silicon, and in the 1990s the government started offering grants and incentives for solar while efficiency continued to rise. For years, I watched, waited and researched if solar was right for us. After living in our home for about a year, the stars and the moon (and the sun) aligned and the time was right to give my family the gift of solar. I’m pretty sure my girls would have preferred the gift of a pony and my husband would’ve preferred that first edition printing of “How to master the male multiple orgasm” that he’s been on the hunt for, but in the long run I feel I made the right choice.  Back in 2011 when we installed solar, you couldn’t rent panels or add them to your house for no money down. Putting solar panels on your roof was reserved for die hard Earth lovers with money to burn…sun-burn if you will. Sure, you got half your money back from tax incentives but you still had a big nut to put down or take a loan for the other half. Fortunately, now going solar is not just reserved for people with extra money in the bank, ANYONE can go solar. ANYONE can lower their electric bills.

Sounds great, right? I’m sure you have the same question that everyone else asks me…were those three guys really on the Electric Company? The answer is yes.  And usually the follow up question is “How much money am I really going to save by going solar?” To give you an idea, my husband likes our house like a freezer in the summer. As soon as the temperature hits the high 60s outside our AC is now officially on until it snows.  He’s got that thing working harder than the mop-boy at a peep show.  We’re now about a month into “hubby-summer” as we call it and with the AC blasting we just paid our electric bill of $13.02. Our system has paid for itself in roughly 7 years (which was early because our system performed better than we projected) and we’re looking at 20+ more years of minimal electric bills.

I had never been happier to have something finish earlier than expected.

The post I’m A Solar High-Roller appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

When it comes to parenting, my husband has a primary goal. “It’s our job as parents to teach you how to exist in society”. I personally think keeping them out of the adult film industry should rank slightly higher but I get where he’s coming from. All the life lessons we struggled through to get where we are now are the greatest gifts we can give to our children. Sure, there’s plenty they have to experience on their own but any leg up we can give them, in my opinion, is worth it. Now to be fair, just like 80s fashion choices you can’t have the good without some of the bad (acid wash jeans, really?). They certainly pick up our bad habits and “colorful” language but hopefully they pick up more of what we have to offer that’s, let’s say, “socially appropriate”.

As a mom I think for the most part I have my shit together. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get frustrated and lose it just like the next sleep-deprived mom out there. I’ve mouthed the words “Karma’s going to get you someday” when my kid’s back was turned but I try to keep my mini meltdowns on the DL. As an avid yoga fan, when one of my kids start pushing all the wrong buttons I remind myself to breathe. My yoga instructor calls it “Take 5”. Five breaths in and 5 breaths out – to the count of 5. It calms my inner demon and probably keeps Child Services out of my house. Five In Five Out…FIFO.

While both of my kids present hubby and me with unique challenges, it’s my younger daughter who definitely needs more “managing”.   Her spirit animal is apparently the Hulk and honestly if she was born first she would probably be an only child.   I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I want to move to the moon just to get a break from her.

They say patience is a virtue, they also say cleanliness is a virtue and she doesn’t have that one either. She will go from zero to frustrated almost instantly and change from Norman Rockwell to Norman Bates. How could such a cute little girl turn into such a witch? My first thought obviously was to blame myself. Did I scream too much in childbirth? Was I demanding too much? Is this how Hitler’s mother felt? She would literally blow her stack right in front of me. I tried ignoring her screaming meltdowns watching in horror expecting her head to spin around and vomit pea soup…that didn’t help. I’ve taken away her iPad and her computer…that didn’t help either. I took away every single stuffed animal and toy in her room, but then guiltily left her one to sleep with. She brought it into my bedroom, threw it on the floor and said “you forgot one” (true story)…so obviously none of this was working. To make things worse, her temper was becoming contagious and was turning me into a banshee where I would start screaming back at her. Five In Five Out…FIFO was the only thing that kept me sane.

Nothing was working and although my good natured mommy friends assured me this was just a stage, I knew that I couldn’t listen to this shit for years or worse…let it continue and have a teenaged Attila the Hun under my roof. My only saving grace was that she just did it for an audience of one…me. No one else knew my dark little secret…”Hi, my name is Ellen and I am the worst mother in existence”.

As some of you unfortunately know all the words to this familiar song, this started to change. Her inner-Hulk started to reveal itself on playdates and at school. To be fair she wasn’t a nuclear meltdown 24/7, but when she did pop she popped big. The stares, the begging (from me) and then I got the dreaded phone call… her teacher wanted to have a meeting with my husband and me. I figured we weren’t walking in to an award ceremony for “Best Parents Ever” but you can always hope (I made room on the mantle just in case we were taking home some kind of trophy, but I think you see where this is going).   Apparently she becomes so frustrated in school at the other kids, she will scream at them until they burst into tears. Now mind you, she wasn’t a sociopath, meaning she didn’t smile while they cried, she felt bad but just couldn’t control it. I sat there and patiently listened to her teacher ask if there were problems at home or any life changes which could be affecting her, to which there were none. My only thoughts were “I’m failing…worst parent ever”. Five In Five Out…FIFO

Now back to me…I’m not a screamer but I get overwhelmed like everyone else and I’m grateful for my yoga outlet and what it teaches me, Five In Five Out…FIFO. I’m taking care of me, my hubby, my mom, two kids and two doggies and there’s just not enough hours in the day. I want to scream bloody murder and lose my shit too, but I don’t (well, mostly). I’ve learned that when life gives you lemons there isn’t always an opportunity to make lemonade.   Sometimes life takes those lemons and squirts you in the eyes and rubs them in your cuts. You have to keep your shit together and keep on living. It all sounds great, right? If only life was as easy as some blogger makes it out to be. My life isn’t perfect and neither is my daughter’s…neither is anyone’s. Most of the bad shit in life is out of our control and the only thing we can do is choose how we react to it. I recently started teaching “little Attila” that nope…life isn’t fair and hell is other people. Like her dad constantly points out to them, you need to be able to function in society even when society sucks.

I’ve started bringing my little rage monster into the FIFO fold and we’ve seen a dramatic change for the better. She’s starting to recognize when things are making her frustrated and before it gets out of hand she starts to calm herself down.   I’ve seen her in mid-conversation with her sister; she stops, closes her eyes and start deep breathing.

As happy endings go (no hubby, not that kind) this sounds like a great one. I’d love to tell you that she has completely changed her ways and turned into a shining beacon of joy and happiness. As Americans we love our stories to have happy endings where all the problems are solved, the hero wins and the villain has been defeated. Unfortunately in real life sometimes the definition of a win is no one ended up in the hospital and the cops were not at my house.

My little short-fused firecracker has certainly mellowed out when she reached double digits (almost in time for teen-dom, hooray!). She practices her FIFO and the meetings with her teachers are now more focused on her love for history and her disdain for math. While definitely not at a helicopter-mom level I still keep one Bionic Woman ear on her play dates, and I’m happy to share that she is growing into a conscientious and thoughtful young woman. I’m sure, like anyone else, she’ll have her outbursts and meltdowns and that’s OK.   My hubby says “that’s just the cost of doing business”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he says it with such an air of wisdom that I just nod and smile (hey what can I say…he’s pretty).

I look forward to a long life filled with offering unrequested pearls of wisdom and nuggets of advice to my girls. Late night talks about a broken heart over a quart of ice cream, helping fill out college applications and reassuring a hormonal pregnant mom-to-be that she’s going to do just fine…these are all hopefully in my future. As parents we have a lot to teach our kids and as a mom of girls I feel like I have a specific responsibility in raising these potential leaders of tomorrow. The benefits of teaching both of my kids about FIFO is twofold. I’m helping them develop the coping mechanisms they’ll need throughout their lives as well as practicing myself which I think makes me a better mom and gets us all a little closer to our Happy Ending (that one’s for you hubby).

Five In Five Out…FIFO

The post The Nuclear (meltdown) Family appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I’ve had some doozies.

• Eat more kale.
• Eat fewer desserts.
• Perfect my Daffy Duck impersonation.
• Declare myself a pirate on my tax return.
• Slay my enemies.
• You know…the usual.

When I hit my mid-thirties (for about the tenth time), I gave up on New Year’s resolutions and started declaring each year my “Year Of…”

My first was the Year of Fear.

Instead of making promises I knew I’d break, I decided to spend an entire year saying yes to things that scared me. Nothing crazy. I wasn’t wrestling alligators or jumping out of airplanes. I started with things like parallel parking and buying a pair of long, dangling earrings because I’d always convinced myself they weren’t “me.”

Eventually I worked my way up to public speaking at my daughter’s elementary school graduation, jumping off a cliff into a swimming hole, trying a trapeze and riding a trail bike down the side of a mountain.

That last one wasn’t my finest decision. I broke my shoulder in two places.

Live and learn.

The next year became my Year of Me.

Not in a selfish way.

In a healthy way.

I started saying no to PTA committees I didn’t actually want to join. I stopped feeling obligated to attend every family event simply because I was expected to. I started reading books again, knitting some truly ugly scarves and slowly removing toxic people from my life.

Don’t get me wrong. I still emptied the dishwasher, went to doctor’s appointments and handled all the things adulthood requires.

I just stopped putting myself at the bottom of every list.

So here we are, hip deep into 2018, my third year of YO. I’ve learned to embrace my fears and put myself as a priority so when you mesh the two together you obviously get the Year of No Fucks Given. Let me explain…I’m tired, obviously as a mom I’m sleep-deprived but I’m talking about being TIRED. I’m TIRED of always doing the right thing, TIRED of being the bigger person and I’m sure as shit positively EXHAUSTED by not sticking up for myself at the risk of someone else’s feelings.

So here’s a little slice of my 2018…there’s a guy I know and he’s super creepy. And by creepy I mean if I was to hear that 20 dead hookers were found in this guy’s basement my first thought would be “hmmm…thought the number would have been higher”. He’s also got a little Family Feud era Richard Dawson in him and likes to kiss hello every female in his path. It doesn’t matter who it is…85 year old grandma, the cashier at the bagel store, young hot mom in Kohls and especially a hot ticket like me. To make matters worse, when he goes in for the kill he turns his head trying to plant one on the mouth (ugh, it’s just as horrifying as it sounds).

So for years I’ve been enduring the sleazy cheek-kiss, I got wise to the head turn early on and compensated for it. I would change my route so I didn’t run into him, some women have feigned a cold and other women have pretended to be on the phone when they saw him…but no one ever stopped him, no one ever told him no. Now, you can pass judgement and say “Oh I’d never”, well if I was sitting at my computer braless in a pair of 4 day old pajamas I’d say the same thing. The first few times you’re caught off guard and then it just becomes too awkward of a situation so you just put up with it. As women, I think a lot of us were raised to take the figurative “hit” before we made another person uncomfortable.

• “You can’t say that, you’ll hurt his feelings”,
• “Oh there’s no sense in making a scene, he doesn’t mean anything by it”
• “I know he’s a little creepy, but he’s your uncle so just go give him a hug.”

I’m here 24/7 busting my ass trying to raise 2 warrior daughters and I don’t feel comfortable telling some low-budget lothario to keep his mouth off of me? There’s only one mouth I want anywhere near me and it sure as shit wasn’t this guy’s. So in my Year of No Fucks Given I decided that awkward or not, this shit had to end. The next time I saw him, he leaned in for the attack and I put my hand up in front of my face and said, “Please stop, the kissing makes me uncomfortable. Just say hello”. He looked shocked but then accepted his fate. This public kissing booth was officially closed.

And that was it.

Years of women changing direction when they saw him. Years of awkwardness. Years of silently tolerating something none of us liked. It ended with one sentence.

Maybe that’s what my Year of No Fucks Given is really about. It’s not about being rude, selfish or impossible to get along with. It’s about finally understanding that protecting your own boundaries isn’t something you should ever apologize for.

Late last year I declared that 2018 was going to be the year I really poured myself into Living Clean and Dirty. Like a lot of resolutions, life had other plans. But there’s still plenty of 2018 left, plenty of stories to tell and plenty of opportunities to keep becoming a better version of myself. I’m still here, still fighting the good fight and still trying to figure it all out right alongside you.

And for any haters out there who would like to break my balls about not posting enough new material this year, please write me at my new imaginary email address None@Fucksgiven.com

The post I’ve Got None Left to Give appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

My daughter’s new obsession…mascara. The good news is now the worst she can look like is Tammy Faye where before she put on all my mom’s makeup and looked like Madam the puppet. To make matters worse, both my daughters have been blessed by the eye lash fairy and have long, luxurious lashes that extend naturally. True story, when both my girls were infants, one day they went to sleep and the next day they woke up and BAM they had the longest, most beautiful lashes I have ever seen. I was shocked that they acquired them overnight. My hubby has them (TOTALLY wasted on a guy) and he constantly complains about water on them and blah blah blah, it’s so uncomfortable, blah blah blah. I don’t have these problems so I need to wear mascara and one that really works. I used to buy the uber expensive mascara at a fancy department store that worked amazing but was filled with chemicals and tested on animals. Also, I hate when they try to spray you with that crap that makes you smell like an old lady, or as we call them in my house, female village elders. You know that smell.

Problem…I still want great mascara coverage – long defined lashes but not one that’s tested on animals, filled with chemicals and one that won’t flake, clump, or smudge a lot so I look like a raccoon or a bad listener (black eye). This is not so easy. If you’re like me, here’s some help. These are my top 5 mascaras I like and let my 10 year old daughter “borrow”:

♥ 100% Pure Fruit Pigmented: This was the first natural mascara I tried and loved it. Been using it for years and what I love is that it comes in many flavors…I mean colors. You can use the standard black (which is what I use) or try blackberry, blueberry, or chocolate. The company makes products completely free of all harmful toxins and their staff is amazing. I called their store in California for help to choose the right color makeup and the woman was so nice.

♥Lush Eyes Right: This is my new love. My daughter really loves it because it’s a small bottle with a short brush so it’s easy for her to use. Great for my 10 year old but bad for me because the wand is too short and hard to use. This was a complaint many people have when they review this mascara but I love Lush products so much that I’ve learned to deal with the wand. Seriously, I went into that store with my daughters and finally after 2 hours my hubby had to beg us to leave. They make all their own products in small batches, no preservatives, 100% vegetarian and they not only never test on animals, but they’re fighting for other cosmetic companies to stop testing too.

♥Jane Iredale: They make a few different kinds of mascaras but the one I used was PurLash mascara in black. I like this one because it leaves my lashes looking natural but at the same time they’re thicker and longer. Jane Iredale’s products are all paraben, talc and phthalate free.

♥Rejuva Minerals Pur Lash: This is another great mascara and since I live by the Environmental Working Group cosmetic list I love that this one is EWG verified which meets their strict criteria for transparency, good manufacturing practices and avoids chemicals. This mascara is free of parabens, titanium dioxide, mica, soy, gluten and GMO’s. It’s vegan too.

♥Josie Maran Argan Black Oil: In consumer studies a large percentage of people saw an increase in lash length and their lashes appeared conditioned and healthier after continued use. I’ve read a ton of reviews where people wrote of these results. I didn’t see it with me but I do know that my lashes looked great. It’s free of parabens, sulfates and phthalates.

Ok, so I know I told you my Top 5 but since I began writing this article and finishing it I found another mascara I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. ♥Juice Beauty Phyto-Pigments Ultra-Natural Mascara. I have to agree with Gwyneth Paltrow you put it on, let it dry, put another coat and I get the same results as my old conventional mascara. The wand is perfect, it’s formulated without parabens, petroleum, propylene or butylene glycol, sodium lauryl sulfates, pesticides, phthalates, artificial dyes or synthetic fragrances AND it’s never tested on animals.

My review of these products is based solely on my opinion. Others may have a different opinion or experience. I did not receive any compensation – I bought all these mascaras with my own cold, hard cash.

The post The Top 5…How’s my mascara? – Unsponsored Review appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Now, full disclosure. I’m the kind of girl who never really needed to work out. (Hold your boos until the end, please.) I could eat an entire bag of douche chips (salt and vinegar) and polish off a bottle of screw-top wine without gaining an ounce. My skin might eventually start looking like Ray Liotta and my liver would probably be calling the cops, but you get my point.

I had it all under control through my twenties, got married, had kids in my thirties and bounced back pretty well. Then I hit my forties and…well…shit got real. It wasn’t anything drastic, but my body had clearly decided we were playing by a new set of rules.

I realized pretty quickly that not only was I going to have to stop stuffing my face, I was also going to have to embrace the dreaded “E” word.

Exercise.

It had been a long time since Jane Fonda was yelling at me through the TV, so I figured it was time to drag my workout routine into the 21st century.

I managed to dodge the Freshman 15 years ago, but now I was battling the “Fortyish 15.” I joined a yoga studio and committed to going three to five times a week. It was one of the best decisions I’d made, but I still wanted to add a little more variety to my routine. That’s when I stumbled across Aaptiv.

Aaptiv is an audio fitness app that offers guided workouts with trainers coaching you through everything from yoga and meditation to treadmill workouts, strength training and cycling. What I liked most was the flexibility. Some days I had forty-five minutes. Other days I was lucky to find ten. There was always something that fit my schedule.

The yoga classes were a natural fit since I’d already learned many of the poses in the studio. The ab workouts absolutely kicked my butt, and the meditation sessions usually ended with me falling asleep. Not exactly the goal, but I’m counting it as a win.

Then there was my elliptical.

You know…that expensive machine in the bedroom that’s usually covered with yesterday’s laundry.

Apparently it’s exercise equipment.

Who knew?

Having a trainer in my ear made a huge difference. Before Aaptiv I’d watch cooking shows while halfheartedly pedaling, which, yes, I realize is wonderfully ironic. Now someone was actually pushing me to keep going instead of letting me convince myself I’d earned a break after three minutes.

The app also offers programs for 5K and 10K training, treadmill workouts, indoor cycling, outdoor walks and running.

Running might be a stretch.

The only time you’ll catch me running is if someone yells, “Free wine!”

For someone like me, Aaptiv fits my life perfectly. As a mom, my schedule changes by the hour. I don’t always have time to drive to the gym, work out and drive back home. Some days those extra thirty minutes are the difference between getting a workout in and talking myself out of it.

I needed something ready whenever I was.

If I wanted 13 minutes of “Absurd Abs,” 37 minutes of “Chill Pop Vinyasa” or 15 minutes of “Legs Like Fire,” it was sitting there waiting for me with a pair of headphones.

So maybe it’s time to stop sitting on the couch eating spicy food and pretending that’s cardio.

Aaptiv offers a free seven-day trial, and I’ve always believed if it’s free, it’s for me. If you’re looking for a workout that’s convenient, motivating and doesn’t require leaving the house, it’s definitely worth checking out.

After all, the only thing you have to lose is the butt-shaped dent in your couch.

The convenience, versatility and motivation of the Aaptiv program inspired this review. I received a complimentary two-week trial, and all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

The post Fitness that Fits in your Hand appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Ellen: “My colors are blush and bashful. I have chosen two shades of pink, one is much deeper than the other.”

Mark: “I like pink! Pink is my signature color.”

As I’m sure some of you will guess, that quote is from Steel Magnolias.  I’m no Southern Shelby but I do have 2 signature colors, they are Casper white and Fuck that hurts Red.  Let me explain…

“Am I tan yet?” -Ellen, Age 10

For most of the year my skin is white, not albino white mind you but to put it mildly my friends used to love to play the “put your arm next to Ellen’s and laugh” game. After a few times at the beach, they’d squeal how tan they are and some of them even added on tanning oil to really get that deep-fried chicken tone.  Flash forward 20 years later and my skin looks pretty much the same and some of these sun worshippers look like a Kenny Rogers Roaster who’s been sitting under the heat lamp for too long.  That’s right you Oompa Loompas, no one is going to mistake me for a wax sculpture left too close to the heater…but no, I’m not bitter.

Now, to be fair I’ve tried to tan but the results were…well, let’s just refer to my description of color Red earlier in this article. I go from zero to burn in nothing flat!  For me, sunscreen isn’t just a precaution against skin cancer, it’s a necessity to keep me pain and blister free. According to the American Academy of Dermatology  (www.aad.org) there are three things you need to watch for when selecting sunscreen.

• SPF of at least 30
• Water resistant
• Provides broad-spectrum coverage

You should apply generously before going (it takes at least 15 minutes to absorb) into direct sun exposure and you should use at least one ounce. Now, you don’t need to carry around a shot glass (I prefer their original use), this is about the amount you can hold in the palm of your hand.  Don’t forget (everyone does, including me) to reapply sunscreen every 2 hours, after sweating profusely or after you’ve gone swimming.

Anyone who has spent more than 10 minutes with me knows that “conventional” sunscreens are not an option for me and my family. Most of them are crap and full of toxins (the sunscreens, not my family) and they don’t always work as promised. As I’ve said before, your skin is your largest organ (contrary to my hubby’s claim) so what you put on it goes right into your body and these days we should be super-selective about what goes in your body.

So now down to business, here’s my top 5 list of chemical free sunscreens that I love (in no particular order). All these recommendations are top rated in Environmental Working Group’s Guide to Sunscreens (www.ewg.org) so you’re not just taking my word for it and all the sunscreens listed are cruelty free.  It’s a little extra work finding some of these but like Truvy from Steel Magnolias says “It takes some effort to look like this”.

All Terrain KidSport SPF 30

Oxybenzone and paraben-free
Broad spectrum
Water and sweat resistant
Non-Nano

Badger Unscented SPF 30

Broad spectrum
Water and sweat resistant
BPA and phthalate free tubes
Biodegradable and safe for coral reefs
PABA Free
Made in the USA

Raw Elements Eco Stick 30

Oxy-Benzone Free
Non-GMO
Titanium Dioxide Free
Non-Nano
Reef Safe
Water Resistant
Made in the USA

Goddess Garden Everyday SPF 30

Reef Safe
Biodegradable
Non-Nano
Non-GMO
Made with plant-based ingredients and natural minerals
Organic
Water Resistant
PABA Free
Made in the USA

Thinksport Sunscreen SPF 50+

No Avobenzone, oxybenzone or UV chemical absorbers
Non-Nano
Paraben, phthalates, PABA and 1,4 dioxane free
Gluten Free
Water Resistant

Whether you’re naturally tan or part of Team Casper like me, protecting your skin is one of those things that’s easy to ignore until it’s too late. Find a sunscreen you’ll actually wear and use it. Future You will be grateful.

My review of these products is based solely on my opinion. Others may have a different opinion or experience. I did not receive any compensation – I bought all these sunscreens with my own cold, hard cash.

The post Sunburnt Magnolias – Unsponsored Review appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.