Ok, you should know by now that I’m into the shock factor, and I’ve come to realize that’s ok. I don’t believe as a society we listen to the gentle whispers. We’re a society of Octomom, mermaid mockumentaries and Halliburton. Nobody is going to give a shit if I say, “Hey, here’s some everyday things you should be doing to improve your life,” but if I go with, “Hey internet, how about some Herpes?”…you’re all ears.
Let’s talk about STDs. Don’t worry, this isn’t a trip down memory lane (or the common room in your college dorm). Around here, STD stands for Shit To Do. Fortunately, now that I’m married and in my 40s, the closest I get to an actual STD is sitting too close to the TV when Law & Order: SVU is on. But if you keep reading, I think you’ll actually agree that you need yourself some STDs.
If you’re like me, first let me pity you, and then let me congratulateyou on being awesome and super hot. You probably have at least a few STD moments every day. You could be standing in line at the supermarket, packing the kids’ lunches or blankly staring at the ceiling when something you forgot to do suddenly pops into your head. Those are my Shit To Do moments. It’s not that I’m lazy. Life just gets in the way of all my best planning.
So I made a promise to myself. Every week I’m going to add one positive habit to my family’s life that we probably should have been doing from the start. Nothing expensive. Nothing complicated. Just one simple thing that makes us a little healthier or a little greener. If it works, I’m going to pass my STD along to you.
Yes, I realize how wrong that sounds.
When my father was sick, he needed round-the-clock care from a wonderful group of aides. They took incredible care of him, but I quickly learned that words matter. You should have seen the looks I got telling people, “My father has great aides.”
Now I’m voluntarily telling people, “I got my STD from Ellen.”
Apparently I enjoy confusing strangers.
So here’s this week’s STD…
Wash your hands properly.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), to properly wash your hands you need to lather your palms, the backs of your hands, between your fingers and under your nails for at least 20 seconds before rinsing. I read that and realized I wasn’t even close. I was basically giving my hands a drive-by.
So the new rule in our house is simple. You have to sing “Happy Birthday” from beginning to end.
Twice.
It’s a whole lot easier than standing there counting to twenty while staring at the faucet like you’ve forgotten how time works.
The CDC also says that if you have soap and clean, running water, that’s still your best option. Hand sanitizer has its place, but whenever you’ve got access to a sink, plain old soap and water are still the gold standard.
The funny thing is how quickly twenty seconds becomes normal. The first couple of days everyone rolled their eyes. By the end of the week we were all absentmindedly singing “Happy Birthday” while washing our hands.
My point is simple. If you’re going to do something, do it right. Good intentions don’t get your hands clean. Twenty seconds and attention to detail do.
So that’s this week’s STD.
This past week, and hopefully moving forward, my whole family has been washing our hands like extras on Grey’s Anatomy, ready to “scrub in,” and singing “Happy Birthday” all the way through.
Twice.
And for what it’s worth, I never saw Kim Basinger or Mickey Rourke wash their hands once in 9½ Weeks. Look how that turned out.
