So there I was, a fresh-faced budding young woman of 14. I was at the movies with some friends, and that’s when I first saw him. He became very important during my “formative years” and was often on my mind as I drifted off to sleep…Jake Ryan.

When Sixteen Candles came out in 1984, I thought the story was cute, the dress was awesome, but Jake was dreamy. Somewhere over the years his dialogue with Long Duk Dong got all mixed up in my head, and my friends and I started referring to Jake as the “oily bo-hunk.” (Molly Ringwald purists will remember that it was actually Samantha’s sister who was marrying the oily bo-hunk, not Jake. But after thirty years, I’ll blame my memory and not the wine.)

Fast forward almost 30 years and my life has changed. I used to think about Jake Ryan while I was in the shower. Now I think about him after I get out.

That’s right…I’m talking about moisturizing.

One of my ongoing STDs (Shit To Do, people…relax) is taking better care of my skin. Most of us wait until our hands feel like sandpaper or our heels could strike a match before we think about lotion. Moisturizing on demand is a little like flossing the night before a dentist appointment. Better late than never, but it’s not exactly a long-term strategy.

So here’s my new snake-skin-begone routine.

I take a shower and towel off, but not completely. I leave my skin just a little damp, then rub on a thin layer of good old organic coconut oil. I have some sensory issues, so I can’t get dressed if I still feel greasy. Thankfully the coconut oil soaks in pretty quickly, and before long I’m good to go.

I know some people moisturize every single day. Good for them.

I can’t.

I’m lucky if I have time to eat two meals some days, so I’m keeping this one realistic. Three or four times a week is something I can stick with, and I’d rather build a habit I can maintain than aim for perfection and quit after a week.

Like I always say, do what you can. If you can do it every day, fantastic. If you can only manage a couple of times a week, that’s still better than not doing it at all.

A couple of weeks after I started my new routine, my husband reached over while we were watching TV and rubbed my leg.

“What are you doing differently?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your skin feels really soft.”

I smiled.

“Dancing with Jake Ryan.”

He looked at me like I’d completely lost my mind.  Some jokes are just for me.  The important part was that he noticed.

So now every time I step out of the shower and reach for the coconut oil, I smile and think of my teenage crush from 1984.

Not a bad way to start the day.

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Let’s talk about STDs. Don’t worry, this isn’t a trip down memory lane (or the common room in your college dorm). Around here, STD stands for Shit To Do. Fortunately, now that I’m married and in my 40s, the closest I get to an actual STD is sitting too close to the TV when Law & Order: SVU is on. But if you keep reading, I think you’ll actually agree that you need yourself some STDs.

If you’re like me, first let me pity you, and then let me congratulateyou on being awesome and super hot. You probably have at least a few STD moments every day. You could be standing in line at the supermarket, packing the kids’ lunches or blankly staring at the ceiling when something you forgot to do suddenly pops into your head. Those are my Shit To Do moments. It’s not that I’m lazy. Life just gets in the way of all my best planning.

So I made a promise to myself. Every week I’m going to add one positive habit to my family’s life that we probably should have been doing from the start. Nothing expensive. Nothing complicated. Just one simple thing that makes us a little healthier or a little greener. If it works, I’m going to pass my STD along to you.

Yes, I realize how wrong that sounds.

When my father was sick, he needed round-the-clock care from a wonderful group of aides. They took incredible care of him, but I quickly learned that words matter. You should have seen the looks I got telling people, “My father has great aides.”

Now I’m voluntarily telling people, “I got my STD from Ellen.”

Apparently I enjoy confusing strangers.

So here’s this week’s STD…

Wash your hands properly.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), to properly wash your hands you need to lather your palms, the backs of your hands, between your fingers and under your nails for at least 20 seconds before rinsing. I read that and realized I wasn’t even close. I was basically giving my hands a drive-by.

So the new rule in our house is simple. You have to sing “Happy Birthday” from beginning to end.

Twice.

It’s a whole lot easier than standing there counting to twenty while staring at the faucet like you’ve forgotten how time works.

The CDC also says that if you have soap and clean, running water, that’s still your best option. Hand sanitizer has its place, but whenever you’ve got access to a sink, plain old soap and water are still the gold standard.

The funny thing is how quickly twenty seconds becomes normal. The first couple of days everyone rolled their eyes. By the end of the week we were all absentmindedly singing “Happy Birthday” while washing our hands.

My point is simple. If you’re going to do something, do it right. Good intentions don’t get your hands clean. Twenty seconds and attention to detail do.

So that’s this week’s STD.

This past week, and hopefully moving forward, my whole family has been washing our hands like extras on Grey’s Anatomy, ready to “scrub in,” and singing “Happy Birthday” all the way through.

Twice.

And for what it’s worth, I never saw Kim Basinger or Mickey Rourke wash their hands once in 9½ Weeks. Look how that turned out.

The post I want to give you an STD appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

As I’m sure you can tell by now, I love to have a good laugh.  But I should preface that with the fact that the material needs to be funny.  Back in my single days a guy gave me this card on Valentine’s Day.  Now, granted I took some artistic liberties with the card itself because the original is still probably in police evidence “just in case”, but the sentiment is the same.  He wasn’t funny, he was super creepy and he always looked like he needed a shower (not in the Ethan Hawke hot way, but more like Howard Hughes at the end when he was pissing in jars).  He would have been better off if the card had said “Happy Valentine’s Day – Clearly you’re a low-shooter and I love that about you.”  Ugh! Gross!!  …OK, now back to our blog.

The true history of Valentine’s Day can differ depending on who you ask.  While most historians agree that it’s actually St. Valentine that we celebrate on the 14^th of February, the details tend to be a little sketchy.  My favorite story is about an imprisoned Saint named Valentine who sent a love letter to the daughter of his jailer before his death and signed it “From Your Valentine”.  That’s right baby…caged heat.  While I’m sure Valentine’s Day in today’s prisons must be the butt of a lot of jokes, we have an imprisoned man condemned to death to thank for an abundance of greeting cards, chocolate, flowers and last minute shopping by forgetful husbands.

Now I’m sure that my husband’s version of the story would revolve around a celebration of the great St. Vagine, and we should spend the day on our knees pleasing it.  Knowing him, this would yield a lot of empty wine bottles and me asking on Facebook for a good chiropractor the next day.  Honestly we aren’t big gift givers in my house.  Holidays and anniversaries are great excuses to turn off the rest of the world and spend time with the ones we love.  Basically if we are wrapping up shit in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep it’s because the dog took a dump in the living room and we are trying to destroy the evidence.  But when we do need/want something we just get it and surprise the person even more because well…it’s a no-reason-Tuesday.  More than anything we love giving the gift of experience (in the case of my two kids) or the gift of health for my hubby and me. But, hubby is only human, and there are certain landmark holidays where he starts hinting around about what sort of gift I would like.

So with February 14^th fast approaching, here’s my Top 10 lists of eco-friendly Valentine’s Day gifts.  The first list is gifts for the ladies.  These can be from your fella or even better, a gift you get yourself on Black Saturday.  But don’t worry fellas; I made a top 10 gift list for you too.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR WOMEN

1) Massage: My hubby and I both get monthly massages. It’s a great way to turn off and de-stress since we both sit in chairs for a gazillion hours a day.  Your parenting skills could use the time for a quick recharge and your muscles will thank you.  Neither of us get the “Happy Ending” kind but I guess that could relax you too, this is a judgment free blog.

2) Guided Meditation Class: My hubby encourages me to go twice a month.  There’s a local place by me who donates part of the proceeds to a local animal shelter.  I usually fall asleep half way through (last time I was even sitting up) but it’s relaxing and I love the meditation practice.  It’s like sex, sure you can do it alone, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone there walking you through it.

3) Facials: I treat myself to a once a month facial (sigh, please don’t laugh).  Every time I say “facial” in my house my hubby laughs uncontrollably.  I just learned (after getting my first one) that it’s called a facial when a man treats your face like a sperm bank and he’s making a deposit.  I love getting a facial (the spa kind) because it’s awesome for my poor dehydrated skin and I can’t believe how good it feels.  Thankfully I never got the other facial because if a guy tried to leave his mess all over my face he’d end up with fewer balls than Lance Armstrong.

4) Buy One Organic Decadent Thing:  Hubby is going to laugh at this one and say something supportive like “Oh, if you wanted to treat yourself with organic corn you could have just asked”.  Well, in this case I was thinking on a grander scale.  This past year for the holidays I’ve been eyeing some VERY expensive Coyuchi organic towels.  Doesn’t sound so glamorous at first, but you won’t hear me complain when I wrap myself up in one of these after a nice hot bath.

5) Take a Class: Do this as a couple or do it alone.  Hell, when I was single and in my 20s I bought myself a gift every V-Day (still love these cool earrings I got one year, I know me so well) so I took a cooking class in Brooklyn and still use what I learned there every day.  And if cooking isn’t your thing, try another class, a few years back I took a knitting class and this year I’m learning to sew.

6) Send Flowers:  While certainly not original, sending flowers is the “black iron skillet” of the gift giving world.  It’s a simple phone call, nearly impossible to mess up and a timeless gift.  If this is your choice, be sure to take advantage of the “tulips” (two-lips) jokes and also try sending eco-friendly flowers (www.organicbouquet.com) or even a plant.

7) Write a Heart Felt Letter:  Back before texting, sexting, email and even AIM we used to write letters…you know, with a pen.  Skip the stupid card, because you probably waited too long anyway and now all that’s left are the crappy cards with sad puppies or Batman on them.  It’s WAY more touching if you just write how you feel and if you feel inclined you can draw a little picture too…you don’t even have to rhyme (but if you can, that’s nice)

8) Symbolically Find Your Valentine’s Animal Match and Donate:  You can go to: www.worldwildlife.org and pick what animal best describes your Valentine and symbolically adopt that animal.  We love that we’re giving to one of our favorite charities, my kids love doing it and probably most important…our dogs love it because they hate competition.

9) Think Vintage: Growing up we called jewelry and clothes like this “old” but now it’s “chic”.  It looks like there’s a huge resurgence of what I like to call “the classics”, you know…like granny panties.  Check out vintage stores, consignment shops or etsy for tons of repurposed items.  What someone else doesn’t use is your treasure.

10) Make a Mix Tape: OK, technically I was thinking of a Mix-Playlist, but there’s something about Bonnie Tyler, Simply Red and Berlin that just screams Sony Walkman to me.  Make her feel young again and make her a playlist on her I-Fillintheblank.  Pick some of her favorite music from when she was young and fresh filled with hope that she can listen to now while she’s cleaning up after your kids and doing your laundry and making your dinner…sorry, a little projecting there.  Be a mensch and play that playlist on your stereo, take her hand and ask her to dance.

If you continue to scroll down you will see the men’s list, hope this helps and have a great V-Day.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR MEN

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Bake him cookies
4. Sex
5. Blowjob
6. Sex
7. Sex
8. Sex
9. Sex
10. Sex and then let him finish the cookies (may be substituted for Blowjob)

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First, don’t touch his soap.   I already knew this was coming, so I did what any smart woman would do…I kept his shit next to my shit and made it HIS idea to switch.  My hubby LOVED a certain green soap he’d been using since long before we met.  My friend and I were talking about this and she told me her hubby was also a fan, must be a dude thing.  So I put my soap next to his (imagine a Prius parked next to a Hummer and sure enough, when his soap was running low he picked up my organic, locally made soap (not by me – I just don’t have that kind of time and I’ve never seen Fight Club) and LOVED it.  Goodbye red-headed kilt-wearing whistling green soap and hello deep sea mud.  A disclaimer about my hand-crafted-a-few-towns-away-from-me soap:  it’s not cheaper than what you find on the shelves, but I care what goes on that man’s body.  I found the soap I use at a local farmer’s market and contacted the woman who actually made it.  We agreed that if I bought it in bulk, she would sell it to me for almost half the price.  Now, every few months we meet in parking lots around our town for a “soap drop” (Mark, please…that’s too easy).  If you can’t find your own “soap dealer” there are some awesome companies that make soap without all the chemicals and fragrances.  I started my switch with Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap but you can check the Environmental Working Group’s Safe Cosmetics Database (www.ewg.org) to see all the toxin free alternatives.

Wife 1 – Hubby 0

Second, don’t touch his toothpaste.  OK, here’s what is actually printed on his tube of toothpaste and probably on some of yours:  “Keep out of reach of children under 6 years of age.  If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.”

You’re fucking kidding me right?  Who the hell hasn’t accidentally swallowed some of this crap?  Before I switched my kids over to my toothpaste they probably swallowed so much of it over the years they could refill an entire tube.  Why would I let his mouth that I love so much purposely put something so foul in it? (come on, the site is called clean and DIRTY…sorry mom).  The only time we should be looking up the number for poison control is around the holidays when somebody brings a fruit cake over.  Poison toothpaste…awesome.

Let’s move past the whole poison aspect because fluoride was the rabbit hole that sent me down the internet for weeks. I’m not a scientist or a doctor, so do your own research, but after reading everything I could get my hands on, I decided fluoride-free toothpaste was the right choice for me and my family. So that’s the first thing I look for when I’m standing in the toothpaste aisle. I must have tried 5 different ones until I found one I thought didn’t taste like shit, not that I’ve ever eaten shit but you get the idea.  When I found the brand I liked, my hubby didn’t and stuck with his triple-protection poison paste.  Like Noah’s bathroom vanity for a while there were two different bars of soap and two different tubes of toothpaste and life went on.  The next time he started running low I bought a new flavor and switched it on him one morning when he was running late for work…and then I hid downstairs away from his cries of confusion.  Fast forward a week or so and we’re both brushing healthier and sharing my toothpaste (but not toothbrushes because that’s just gross).

Wife 2 – Hubby 0

Third, don’t touch his deodorant.  I’m always talking about baby steps, and I completely agree that change sucks.  I got him to change soap and toothpaste in the same month, that’s a pretty big accomplishment in my book and my tactics never required any couples therapy which is always a plus.  I make my own deodorant and that just weirds him out.  He thinks you shouldn’t be able to eat your deodorant and loves his traditional, aluminum filled stick.  What can you do, we’re all a work in progress.  We’re exposed to so many toxins daily that if you just switch a few things, it helps.  You can think I’m a foul-mouthed whack job (not completely untrue) and that’s ok, but when you’re looking to buy your next product because you ran out, try something new, read the list of ingredients, GET EDUCATED.

Like Meatloaf sang “Two out of three ain’t bad” (Meatloaf was in Fight Club, there’s your Six Degrees of Getting Green right there)

Final Score: Wife 2 – Hubby 1    –   Happy Marriage

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I love body lotion. (But I love a good Silence of the Lambs line just as much.) Sure, I tell my husband it’s a “marital aid” when used properly, but most of the time I just like how it feels and smells. Dry winter skin is no joke, and if you’ve ever spent January washing dishes without gloves, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I find great products, I love telling my friends about them. I’m a girl, so obviously I use a ton of personal care products, and this seemed like a great place to start cutting down on some of the toxins we keep hearing about. The more I learned, the more horrified I became. Why do cute little bunnies have to be injured or killed to make shampoo? Seriously, haven’t we figured out how to make shampoo yet? And why the fuck are we still testing eyeliner on animals? They don’t need it, and they’re going to look ridiculous anyway. My dad always told me to vote with my wallet, so that’s exactly what I started doing. These days I try to buy cruelty-free products whenever I can because companies have proven they can make great products without hurting animals. If they can do it, everyone can.

Most people decide to become vegetarians and then start thinking about what they’re putting on their bodies. Bass-ackwards me did it the other way around. I’d happily sit down in front of a delicious skirt steak wondering whether I could make deodorant out of the contents of my refrigerator. My first obsession wasn’t food. It was shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, toner, deodorant, makeup, laundry detergent…basically if it touched my skin, I wanted to know what was in it. That’s going to be a big part of this website, so keep coming back and getting educated by Dr. Ellen.

Our skin is our biggest organ. Heh…organ.

Even on a “dropping the kids off at school in my pajamas” kind of day, I use a lot of products. Maybe not twenty, but enough that when you stop and think about all those ingredients together, it starts to feel like a chemistry experiment. Math really isn’t my thing, but even I know that adding up a whole bunch of questionable stuff probably isn’t the greatest plan. So I started cutting back where I could, which also saved me money, and I started paying closer attention to what I was buying. One of the resources I found incredibly helpful was the Environmental Working Group. No, I’m not on the payroll. I just liked having a place that explained what all those ingredients actually were.

This whole adventure eventually led me to my quest for the perfect body lotion. I use it constantly because I finally gave up wearing dish gloves. Why? Because I kept buying these nice, expensive eco-friendly gloves and somehow puncturing every single right one with silverware. I never got hurt and I never even knew I’d done it until halfway through the dishes when my right glove slowly filled with water. After about the gazillionth pair, and a growing collection of six left-handed gloves, I finally threw up my bare hands and admitted defeat. Good news: no more wet surprises. Bad news: my hands started looking like I was auditioning to be Freddy Krueger’s hand double. Every time my husband held my hand he’d ask when we bought a pet snake.

After trying a bunch of different lotions, I finally found one I loved from 100% Pure. It’s cruelty-free, made with quality ingredients and smells amazing. There was only one problem. It kept disappearing. I’d put a brand-new tube on my nightstand and the next day…gone. I blamed the kids. I searched the bathroom. I looked under the bed. I was honestly starting to think lotion gnomes were making nightly raids on my bedroom.

Days later I finally found it.

In my husband’s office drawer.

I stood there holding the tube like I’d just solved a murder.

“Seriously?” I asked.

He looked up from his computer completely confused.

“What?”

“My lotion.”

“Oh.”

That was it. That was the entire explanation.

Good news: my husband finally joined me on the cruelty-free bandwagon.

Bad news: apparently we have very different definitions of “body lotion.”

I still buy 100% Pure because it’s a fantastic product. It smells great, feels great and isn’t tested on animals. I just buy it knowing I should probably order two tubes at a time.

The post The Case of the Missing Body Lotion appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

By far, the most questions I get is about Mama Ellen’s recipe for homemade deodorant.  It never fails…when I tell someone I make my own deodorant they wrinkle their face, say something like, “Ew gross” and by the end of our conversation they ask me for the recipe.  Now it’s quite possible they are putting it in their back pocket for the next time their husband bitches about dinner not being ready, but I like to think they have their “pits” in mind and not their “putz”.

Unfortunately my journey into the green is still a sweaty one and with all of the crappy toxic chemicals in deodorant, I took baby steps and bought different brands of “organic”, “non-toxic” and “more natural” deodorants.  They were all great in their own way except for the only one that mattered…I still stunk.  I smelled so bad by the end of the day that I had to shower before bed.  If I didn’t my hubby would mumble something about a locker room and gym socks as he grabbed his pillow and made his way onto the couch.  I couldn’t blame him, I hadn’t been out hiking or running or bike riding, but I smelled like I was in terrific shape.  I smelled just going to drop the kids off at school and buying groceries.  Now that I CrossFit it is totally unacceptable to smell like a young boy in the midst of puberty.  I wasn’t going back to off-the-shelf deodorant, no matter how many pink flowers and pretty names it had on it.  They might as well have given it a name like “Toxica:  Because Aluminum isn’t just for the foil in your kitchen, NOW IN LILAC!”

So I tried making my own deodorant, and let me just tell you that Rome wasn’t the only thing not built in a day.  I suffered more than a couple of setbacks, but with every failed attempt and itchy rash I knew that I was on the healthy road to the dryville.  My kids thought I was crazy, my husband would just shake his head and walk away and I’m not sure but I think someone mistakenly ate an early batch (but no one fessed up).  Then one day, the skies parted and the angels sang…I wanted to scream like Dr. Frankenstein “It’s Alive!”  I’ll be honest, I had my doubts for a while, but it really paid off in the end.  After some fine tuning I am happy to report that I’m rash-free and no longer smell like I should be standing in line for bread.   I’ve been little-miss-clean-pits for 2 years now and I still don’t smell.  Trust me, there would be a husband-shaped dent in the couch if I did.

So here’s my recipe:

• 1 Tablespoon Organic Coconut Oil
• 1 Tablespoon Organic Shea Butter
• 1 Teaspoon GMO-free Cornstarch
• 2 Teaspoon Aluminum-Free Baking Soda (if needed)

You can add Tea Tree Oil or other essential oils but I haven’t yet.

Mix all the ingredients together in a small bowl.  I usually leave out the coconut oil in the window until it starts to turn liquidy (makes it easier to stir).  You can either put it in an old deodorant stick holder or a small glass container and use it like a crème.  The first few months, I poured it into an old deodorant container but it wouldn’t stay hard (ladies, you know what I’m talking about).  At one point I started keeping it in the fridge but to be honest I like a hot cup of coffee to wake me up in the morning, not jamming what feels like a cold stick of butter in my armpit.  These days I prefer the cream approach, it’s in a glass jar in my bathroom and the chances of my husband accidentally spreading it on a bagel have been drastically reduced.   Bonus: reusing glass jars.

**Also a note on baking soda – originally I broke out in a terrible rash so I used less in mine.  After a few batches I took it out all together because one armpit kept getting a rash (I did a lot of research and this is common so I just removed it).  My older daughter, who is new to the deodorant world, has her own batch.  She has no problems with the baking soda, so for hers I leave it in.

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