Well, have you heard the one that starts with “A woman walks into a room…”? Because if I’m the woman, then half the time I have no idea why I walked into the room in the first place.  I’m a smart girl, drink plenty of water, eat right, get rest, occasionally get laid, keep my stress low, but dammit my memory is for CRAP!.

Pick a room in my house and I’ve actually whispered aloud “why did I come in here” at least a dozen times in each of them.

20 years ago I blamed it on Mommy-Brain, but I think now there’s another “M” at play.

Mumps? Measles? Mad Cow disease?

Nope, according to the calendar I have arrived at Menopause station. All aboard…next stops are  vaginal dryness, night sweats and wait for it…memory problems. So for any of you who guessed “moist” as my “M” you really couldn’t have been more wrong.

Let’s put all the other symptoms to the side for now and focus on the hunk of Swiss Cheese I now refer to as my memory.  I actually stop in the middle of doing stuff because I can’t remember why I started doing it in the first place. Sometimes I will be mid-sentence and then all of a sudden it’s gone. And as far as people’s names go, I would definitely have an easier time if everyone in my life wore nametags or just responded warmly to “Hey…you”

You know how your phone fills up with pictures, videos, test messages until things stop working correctly until you start deleting and making some space? I’m convinced my brain also has a tiny little memory card that can hold only a certain number of things and then it drops one to add one.

• If I remember your name, I’ll forget my address.
• If I remember to do the laundry, I’ll forget to pick the kids up at school.
• If I remember to stop at the store for bread, I risk forgetting to take my pants off before I start peeing.

You get the idea…it’s awful. Why do women have to get it? I know men have something similar but for crying out loud it says MEN right in the name!!!

Since I can’t remember what I ate for lunch, it’s not a stretch to figure that I’m not going to remember all the day-to-day experiences I had with my family this past year. Even in the year of Covid, we still managed to laugh, to cry and even had an adventure or two.  I never want to forget family movie nights watching “old” movies like Sixteen Candles, Protocol, Jaws, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or my favorite Alien (a little slow but still holds up and Sigourney Weaver is a total bad ass at any age, although my girls knew her as the Ghostbusters lady – another family movie night classic). We visited Old Westbury Gardens for their Shimmering Solstice light show. I bought a Tesla, we went to a wedding and I grew closer to a cousin I barely knew. This was also the year I experienced my older daughter’s first driving lesson (part of me wouldn’t mind forgetting that). I watched my husband receive 2 Emmy’s for his incredible work in television. And who wouldn’t want to forget having to explain what finger-banging was to my 14 year old who honestly watches more South Park than she should.

I want to remember all of it, the good and the bad. Menopause may have given me sore boobs and taken away my ability to have a good night sleep but my memories are off limits.  My hubby is constantly telling me we need to back up our phones so we don’t lose anything, so I decided to take that a step further. So before my Hard Drive became a Floppy Disk I came up with a plan.

Enter the memory jar. When I first read about this idea, my post menopausal brain did a happy dance. This is the perfect way to fill in all the blank spaces and a fun thing to do with my family that costs no money. The value is in the experience, not the purchases my dear readers.

We keep a jar on the kitchen table (it’s a thick glass square jar that I think held flowers at my wedding 20 years ago. But with my memory, I may have shoplifted it from Home Goods last week…who knows?) and every time someone feels inclined to share a moment (good or bad) they write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. It’s like a time capsule but without all the burial dirt, thanks to our dogs Han and Leia there is never a shortage of dirt in the house already.

Then on New Year’s Eve we dump out the papers and read them out loud. It’s fun because even the rest of my family who aren’t in menopause forget about this stuff too. So whether you are reading this in January, July or November it’s never too late to start backing up your memories and preparing a fun surprise for the whole family on New Year’s Eve. When you’re done reminiscing keep the strips of paper in a box, scrapbook, display it all in a shadow box, shred it, or compost the paper. It’s a fun way to remember all the moments, big and small, that you share as a family and then the next New Year’s Day you start again.

If your family is like mine they embraced the idea right from the start.

• “Do we have to. I hate to write.”
• “Why do I have to do this? I remember everything just fine.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid.”

But it never fails, after we read through the whole jar they are singing a different tune.

• “This was so much fun, I’m glad we did this.”
• “Thanks mom, that was a great idea.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid, but I guess it was fun.”

I hold back my “I told you so” and my “I knew you would have fun” and just silently gloat like a good mom. Getting older isn’t awesome, I’m still HOT but it just comes in flashes now and I may find myself in the garage holding a spatula and a bottle of nail polish trying to figure out what the original plan was. Our memories and experiences are how we document this journey and in many ways it’s the best part. Looking back at those experiences with my family and reliving them as we prepare for a brand new year is my favorite “M”…Magnificent.

The post Was I writing about menopause? I can’t remember. appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Misspelled cards and Picasso-esque drawings from my kids over the years will always have a special place in my heart, but as my girls are now in their teens (please pray for me, or at the very least send wine) the gift of spending time with them is just as precious. While not as Earthy-Crunchy as I am, at least not yet, my girls have definitely embraced some of my Eco-friendly ways and joined me on my journey.

I’ve become a newly self-proclaimed minimalist, I have a new kitchen goal, and I’m no longer driving a Hybrid. Is your interest piqued? Well, you’ll have to keep watching as I’ll get to those stories in future articles, but for now let me present my gift (or gifts) from one mom to another. Let yourself be a bit selfish this M-Day, we’ve earned it ladies and we keep earning it every day no matter if you’re changing diapers, need your own diaper changed or anywhere in between. Edible panties are a bit too personal, a candle that actual smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s edible panties is definitely too personal, and “How to be a Good Mom” by Stephen and Janet Bly is somewhere between passive aggressive and just being a dick. I’ll admit there are some pretty terrific store-bought gifts out there but if you’re a regular reader of mine then you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m giving you my TOP 10 FREE things you can do right now to save you money and save Mama Earth.

1  Next to my kitchen sink is a pitcher. Don’t’ go out and buy one – trust me you’ve got something right now that’s collecting dust and will work perfectly. A big glass, a vase, a water pitcher, a bowl your kids made you for a past Mother’s Day, that goldfish bowl you bought even though the poor guy died two days after you got him. Really anything that will hold water. Throughout the day there’s so much extra water I have but never use. The water my kids didn’t drink, water in the measuring cup or pot that I didn’t use, or even ice that fell on the floor. Instead of tossing it down the drain, I put it in my pitcher and when it’s full, I use it to water my plants. Save money on your water bill and you’re not just tossing it down the sink.

2  Become that weird person who demands everyone to take their shoes off at the front door. I swear every time someone asked me to do it, I’d roll my eyes (behind their back – I’m not that rude) while taking off my shoes. Yup, now you can roll your eyes at me. Not tracking in dirt and debris helps to reduce indoor toxins and it helps to keep your floors clean. Between my 2 kids, my 2 dogs and my hubby there’s a lot of outdoors that ends up indoors. I used to blow through vacuum bags like potato chips at a Grateful Dead concert so this is really a no-brainer, less dirt, less spending on bags and less vacuuming…win, win, win.

3  Join me in My Year of Clear. Confused? That’s what I called it when I woke up and decided to keep only the things I love, use or are sentimental. Everything else goes. Not to the landfill of course, don’t be ridiculous. All that crap you’re saving “Just in case”? Let me be your blunt friend. I know you have the best of intentions, but you’re never going to use it. Trust me if you haven’t touched it in a year you don’t need it and why not make some money off it and sell it on Ebay, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace. Let someone else use it or if you just don’t want the hassle of selling it, then donate it. Your trash is someone else’s treasure, find a local thrift store that donates the proceeds to a non-profit organization and you can feel good enough about yourself to dance around your house that just got slightly more roomy.

4  Did you know your clothes get just as clean using cold water. Yup, you not only save money on your energy bill but it will help keep your clothes looking new and helps the planet. BAM all in one! And if you want to take it another eco-step further, check out THIS ARTICLE and see how I ditched laundry detergent and now my clothes (and my washer and dryer) have never smelled better

5 This Mother’s Day I’ve set a huge personal goal for myself. Read one book a week. If you’re a reader like me there’s no way I’m buying all those books to read them once and then stick them on a shelf like some strange literary trophy. My local library always has enough to keep me entertained and they encourage their customers to help the planet by posting on the receipts how much money you’re saving by borrowing rather than buying each book.

6  “Turn the goddamn lights off!” Ahhhhh this brings me back. if I had a dollar every time my dad screamed that at me I could probably buy a small Island…like Staten Island. Turning off the lights inside the house is certainly easy enough, but it appears as if most of my neighbors grew up in a very different household and they keep their outside lights on all night. Now far be it from me to judge, so if you’re like them I totally get it (nope, I’m silently judging you). If you feel you need to keep the outside lights on at night, at least invest in a timer which saves energy and money on your electric bill. Unless of course you actually do own the electric company and then you should just turn them off to help Mama Earth while you are rolling around each night in all of our money.

7  Did you know you can turn the heat off in your dishwasher? Many even have an auto air option which allows your dishes to air dry. I always run my dishwasher (only when it’s full) at night so if it takes a few hours to dry it won’t matter.

8  I have a neighbor I absolutely adore but he’s a neat freak. He unrolls his garden hose each Saturday and washes his driveway especially in the spring. If he used just a broom instead of a hose he’d get the job done quicker, save money on his water bill and conserve the wet stuff. (Note to self…send sidewalk chalk to his kids and say they should draw mom a happy M-day message on the driveway)

9  Saving water seems to be the easiest thing you can do right now to save your wallet and the planet. Take a shower instead of a bath (uses less water). Don’t run the water while washing your dishes or brushing your teeth, and always try to shower with a buddy (in my case my hubby). And remember…A Retriever can be Golden, a Willy Wonka ticket can be Golden and Rose, Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia should always be Golden, but I would recommend to keep the Golden out of your shower for two.

10  If you’re not using rooms in your house, close off the vents to help reduce your energy costs and increases efficiency.

So to all those mothers, grandmothers and hard-working ladies out there enjoy your day, do something nice for yourself and for the Earth. Check back often for more helpful info and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.
That’s it for me today, I’m off to do some gardening and maybe if my hubby plays his cards right there’ll be a shower for 2 in his future.

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When it comes to parenting, my husband has a primary goal. “It’s our job as parents to teach you how to exist in society”. I personally think keeping them out of the adult film industry should rank slightly higher but I get where he’s coming from. All the life lessons we struggled through to get where we are now are the greatest gifts we can give to our children. Sure, there’s plenty they have to experience on their own but any leg up we can give them, in my opinion, is worth it. Now to be fair, just like 80s fashion choices you can’t have the good without some of the bad (acid wash jeans, really?). They certainly pick up our bad habits and “colorful” language but hopefully they pick up more of what we have to offer that’s, let’s say, “socially appropriate”.

As a mom I think for the most part I have my shit together. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get frustrated and lose it just like the next sleep-deprived mom out there. I’ve mouthed the words “Karma’s going to get you someday” when my kid’s back was turned but I try to keep my mini meltdowns on the DL. As an avid yoga fan, when one of my kids start pushing all the wrong buttons I remind myself to breathe. My yoga instructor calls it “Take 5”. Five breaths in and 5 breaths out – to the count of 5. It calms my inner demon and probably keeps Child Services out of my house. Five In Five Out…FIFO.

While both of my kids present hubby and me with unique challenges, it’s my younger daughter who definitely needs more “managing”.   Her spirit animal is apparently the Hulk and honestly if she was born first she would probably be an only child.   I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I want to move to the moon just to get a break from her.

They say patience is a virtue, they also say cleanliness is a virtue and she doesn’t have that one either. She will go from zero to frustrated almost instantly and change from Norman Rockwell to Norman Bates. How could such a cute little girl turn into such a witch? My first thought obviously was to blame myself. Did I scream too much in childbirth? Was I demanding too much? Is this how Hitler’s mother felt? She would literally blow her stack right in front of me. I tried ignoring her screaming meltdowns watching in horror expecting her head to spin around and vomit pea soup…that didn’t help. I’ve taken away her iPad and her computer…that didn’t help either. I took away every single stuffed animal and toy in her room, but then guiltily left her one to sleep with. She brought it into my bedroom, threw it on the floor and said “you forgot one” (true story)…so obviously none of this was working. To make things worse, her temper was becoming contagious and was turning me into a banshee where I would start screaming back at her. Five In Five Out…FIFO was the only thing that kept me sane.

Nothing was working and although my good natured mommy friends assured me this was just a stage, I knew that I couldn’t listen to this shit for years or worse…let it continue and have a teenaged Attila the Hun under my roof. My only saving grace was that she just did it for an audience of one…me. No one else knew my dark little secret…”Hi, my name is Ellen and I am the worst mother in existence”.

As some of you unfortunately know all the words to this familiar song, this started to change. Her inner-Hulk started to reveal itself on playdates and at school. To be fair she wasn’t a nuclear meltdown 24/7, but when she did pop she popped big. The stares, the begging (from me) and then I got the dreaded phone call… her teacher wanted to have a meeting with my husband and me. I figured we weren’t walking in to an award ceremony for “Best Parents Ever” but you can always hope (I made room on the mantle just in case we were taking home some kind of trophy, but I think you see where this is going).   Apparently she becomes so frustrated in school at the other kids, she will scream at them until they burst into tears. Now mind you, she wasn’t a sociopath, meaning she didn’t smile while they cried, she felt bad but just couldn’t control it. I sat there and patiently listened to her teacher ask if there were problems at home or any life changes which could be affecting her, to which there were none. My only thoughts were “I’m failing…worst parent ever”. Five In Five Out…FIFO

Now back to me…I’m not a screamer but I get overwhelmed like everyone else and I’m grateful for my yoga outlet and what it teaches me, Five In Five Out…FIFO. I’m taking care of me, my hubby, my mom, two kids and two doggies and there’s just not enough hours in the day. I want to scream bloody murder and lose my shit too, but I don’t (well, mostly). I’ve learned that when life gives you lemons there isn’t always an opportunity to make lemonade.   Sometimes life takes those lemons and squirts you in the eyes and rubs them in your cuts. You have to keep your shit together and keep on living. It all sounds great, right? If only life was as easy as some blogger makes it out to be. My life isn’t perfect and neither is my daughter’s…neither is anyone’s. Most of the bad shit in life is out of our control and the only thing we can do is choose how we react to it. I recently started teaching “little Attila” that nope…life isn’t fair and hell is other people. Like her dad constantly points out to them, you need to be able to function in society even when society sucks.

I’ve started bringing my little rage monster into the FIFO fold and we’ve seen a dramatic change for the better. She’s starting to recognize when things are making her frustrated and before it gets out of hand she starts to calm herself down.   I’ve seen her in mid-conversation with her sister; she stops, closes her eyes and start deep breathing.

As happy endings go (no hubby, not that kind) this sounds like a great one. I’d love to tell you that she has completely changed her ways and turned into a shining beacon of joy and happiness. As Americans we love our stories to have happy endings where all the problems are solved, the hero wins and the villain has been defeated. Unfortunately in real life sometimes the definition of a win is no one ended up in the hospital and the cops were not at my house.

My little short-fused firecracker has certainly mellowed out when she reached double digits (almost in time for teen-dom, hooray!). She practices her FIFO and the meetings with her teachers are now more focused on her love for history and her disdain for math. While definitely not at a helicopter-mom level I still keep one Bionic Woman ear on her play dates, and I’m happy to share that she is growing into a conscientious and thoughtful young woman. I’m sure, like anyone else, she’ll have her outbursts and meltdowns and that’s OK.   My hubby says “that’s just the cost of doing business”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he says it with such an air of wisdom that I just nod and smile (hey what can I say…he’s pretty).

I look forward to a long life filled with offering unrequested pearls of wisdom and nuggets of advice to my girls. Late night talks about a broken heart over a quart of ice cream, helping fill out college applications and reassuring a hormonal pregnant mom-to-be that she’s going to do just fine…these are all hopefully in my future. As parents we have a lot to teach our kids and as a mom of girls I feel like I have a specific responsibility in raising these potential leaders of tomorrow. The benefits of teaching both of my kids about FIFO is twofold. I’m helping them develop the coping mechanisms they’ll need throughout their lives as well as practicing myself which I think makes me a better mom and gets us all a little closer to our Happy Ending (that one’s for you hubby).

Five In Five Out…FIFO

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Bring on the Ocho!!

Welcome to number 8 of our 10 Step Commandments. We all know what a big music lover I am so as a nod to The Beatles (or was it Elvis Presley) famous line of “Talking ‘bout my generation” this episode could be called “Talking ‘bout my meditation”. It’s been said that 8% of U.S. adults use meditation and the numbers are only increasing. Study after study shows all the positive effects on the mind, spirit and body. You can find any number of articles online that talk about why everyone from CEOs to school students are getting on the meditation bandwagon. In my experience there is absolutely no downside and I’m here to tout its praises. I think I’ve almost convinced my hubby to do it with me, but honestly it’s probably going to cost me a few well-timed yoga poses in the sack…but secretly I don’t mind.

This 10-podcast series is a love letter to my 2 girls. I say shit all the time and I know they aren’t even listening to most of it. “Hey it’s Thursday, brush your teeth”, “no you can’t go to school commando”, “if you try to put that in the dog’s butt she’s going to bite you and I’m going to laugh”. Girls, if you are listening to this first let me say TURN THIS OFF, THIS SHIT IS FOR ADULTS! But, if you are still listening then these are my ten tips for you that I wish someone told me about when I was your age. If you even try to follow just one of these you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Enjoy the podcast, and by the way the song My Generation is by The Who (I actually knew this one)…sometimes I just like to see if you guys are actually reading the whole description.

Keep coming back to check out the final 2 episodes of the 10 Step Commandments.

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Oh yea faithful listeners…

Welcome to lucky number 7 of our 10 Step Commandments.  Twilight Zone, School Zone, Erogenous Zone, Time Zone, Danger Zone…I could go on for hours, but tonight we’re focusing on the Zone that I prefer to see in my rear view mirror as I drive off to any new adventure.  I’m talking about the Comfort Zone…that warm blanket of same-ness and predictability that can tend to be a hard habit to break.  I’m not talking about cooking bacon in the nude (or really cooking bacon at all), and while fear can be a good thing that tends to keep us alive more times than not, sometimes you have try something new. Sorry husband of mine, I’m not talking about Canal without the “C”; I’m just suggesting that sometimes you can’t let fear run your life and keep you from having new and sometimes “glory”-ious new experiences (Husband!  Still no!)

This 10-podcast series is a love letter to my 2 girls. I say shit all the time and I know they aren’t even listening to most of it. “Hey it’s Thursday, brush your teeth”, “no you can’t go to school commando”, “if you try to put that in the dog’s butt she’s going to bite you and I’m going to laugh”. Girls, if you are listening to this first let me say TURN THIS OFF, THIS SHIT IS FOR ADULTS! But, if you are still listening then these are my ten tips for you that I wish someone told me about when I was your age. If you even try to follow just one of these you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Enjoy the podcast, hubby overheard me muttering to myself about the topic earlier today and wasn’t he surprised when we ended up not talking about scones.

The post TTSC Part 7 – Comfort is not an Erogenous Zone appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

My dear listeners… Hope you’re Taking It Easy with a Peaceful Easy Feeling and not feeling any Heartache Tonight. This is my favorite time of the year with Tequila Sunrises and One of These Nights I’ve promised to show my hubby Life in the Fast Lane. Maybe I’ll be his Witchy Woman and Take it to the Limit, hope he doesn’t end up a Victim of Love. Well, if you haven’t guessed yet there may or may not be an Eagles reference in here, but before you get the Smuggler’s Blues remember I’m making this podcast with The Best of My Love.

We’ve sailed past Hump Day and are up to the 6th of the 10-step Commandments.

This 10-podcast series is a love letter to my 2 girls. I say shit all the time and I know they aren’t even listening to most of it. “Hey it’s Thursday, brush your teeth”, “no you can’t go to school commando”, “if you try to put that in the dog’s butt she’s going to bite you and I’m going to laugh”. Girls, if you are listening to this first let me say TURN THIS OFF, THIS SHIT IS FOR ADULTS! But, if you are still listening then these are my ten tips for you that I wish someone told me about when I was your age. If you even try to follow just one of these you’ll be way ahead of the game. Enjoy the podcast, as we get down to The Heart of the Matter.

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Honestly at this point I can’t even remember why we started these 10 Step Commandments but, if you’re still listening then we must be doing something right.  Here comes Step 5, we’ve reached the halfway mark but this is hands-down my husband’s favorite one yet (listen to the whole episode).

This 10-podcast series is a love letter to my 2 girls. I say shit all the time and I know they aren’t even listening to most of it. “Hey it’s Thursday, brush your teeth”, “no you can’t go to school commando”, “if you try to put that in the dog’s butt she’s going to bite you and I’m going to laugh”. Girls, if you are listening to this first let me say TURN THIS OFF, THIS SHIT IS FOR ADULTS! But, if you are still listening then these are my ten tips for you that I wish someone told me about when I was your age. If you even try to follow just one of these you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Enjoy the podcast, and Damn you Lee Van Cleef wherever you are…

The post TTSC Part 5 – Sorry, not sorry appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

If you’re still listening then you’re either a fan, a glutton for punishment or you’re deaf. Passover may be well behind us but we’re still cranking away with episode 4 of our 10 episode series of the deathbed commandments (read: morbid) I hope to pass on to my daughters and my demented listeners. I was having a wonderful before-bed conversation with my older daughter (I have to enjoy them while they last) and thought about what life lessons I want to pass on to them in order to retain my Mother-of-the-Year status.

This 10-podcast series is a love letter to my 2 girls. I say shit all the time and I know they aren’t even listening to most of it. “Hey it’s Thursday, brush your teeth”, “no you can’t go to school commando”, “if you try to put that in the dog’s butt she’s going to bite you and I’m going to laugh”.

Girls, if you are listening to this first let me say TURN THIS OFF, THIS SHIT IS FOR ADULTS!

But, if you are still listening then these are my ten tips for you that I wish someone told me about when I was your age. If you even try to follow just one of these you’ll be way ahead of the game.

Hang in there faithful listeners, it’s not over yet…

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