Well, have you heard the one that starts with “A woman walks into a room…”? Because if I’m the woman, then half the time I have no idea why I walked into the room in the first place. I’m a smart girl, drink plenty of water, eat right, get my rest and keep my stress low, but dammit my memory is CRAP!

Pick a room in my house and I’ve actually whispered aloud “why did I come in here” at least a dozen times in each of them.

20 years ago I blamed it on Mommy-Brain, but I think now there’s another “M” at play.

Mumps? Measles? Mad Cow disease?

Nope, according to the calendar I have arrived at Menopause station. All aboard…next stops are  vaginal dryness, night sweats and wait for it…memory problems.

Let’s put all the other symptoms to the side for now and focus on the hunk of Swiss Cheese I now refer to as my memory.  I actually stop in the middle of doing stuff because I can’t remember why I started doing it in the first place. Sometimes I will be mid-sentence and then all of a sudden it’s gone. And as far as people’s names go, I would definitely have an easier time if everyone in my life wore nametags or just responded warmly to “Hey…you”

You know how your phone fills up with pictures, videos, test messages until things stop working correctly until you start deleting and making some space? I’m convinced my brain also has a tiny little memory card that can hold only a certain number of things and then it drops one to add one.

• If I remember your name, I’ll forget my address.
• If I remember to do the laundry, I’ll forget to pick the kids up at school.
• If I remember to stop at the store for bread, I risk forgetting to take my pants off before I start peeing.

You get the idea…it’s awful. Why do women have to get it? I know men have something similar but for crying out loud it says MEN right in the name!!!

Since I can’t remember what I ate for lunch, it’s not a stretch to figure that I’m not going to remember all the day-to-day experiences I had with my family this past year. Even in the year of Covid, we still managed to laugh, to cry and even had an adventure or two.  I never want to forget family movie nights watching “old” movies like Sixteen Candles, Protocol, Jaws, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or my favorite Alien (a little slow but still holds up and Sigourney Weaver is a total bad ass at any age, although my girls knew her as the Ghostbusters lady – another family movie night classic). We visited Old Westbury Gardens for their Shimmering Solstice light show. I bought a Tesla, we went to a wedding and I grew closer to a cousin I barely knew. This was also the year I experienced my older daughter’s first driving lesson (part of me wouldn’t mind forgetting that). I watched my husband receive 2 Emmy’s for his incredible work in television. And who wouldn’t want to forget the look on my older daughter’s face during her first driving lesson. I, on the other hand, have been trying very hard to forget it.

I want to remember all of it, the good and the bad. Menopause may have given me sore boobs and taken away my ability to have a good night’s sleep but my memories are off limits.  My hubby is constantly telling me we need to back up our phones so we don’t lose anything, so I decided to take that a step further. So before my Hard Drive became a Floppy Disk I came up with a plan.

Enter the memory jar. When I first read about this idea, my post menopausal brain did a happy dance. This is the perfect way to fill in all the blank spaces and a fun thing to do with my family that costs no money. The value is in the experience, not the purchases my dear readers.

We keep a jar on the kitchen table (it’s a thick glass square jar that I think held flowers at my wedding 20 years ago. But with my memory, I may have shoplifted it from Home Goods last week…who knows?) and every time someone feels inclined to share a moment (good or bad) they write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. It’s like a time capsule but without all the burial dirt, thanks to our dogs Han and Leia there is never a shortage of dirt in the house already.

Then on New Year’s Eve we dump out the papers and read them out loud. It’s fun because even the rest of my family who aren’t in menopause forget about this stuff too. So whether you are reading this in January, July or November it’s never too late to start backing up your memories and preparing a fun surprise for the whole family on New Year’s Eve. When you’re done reminiscing keep the strips of paper in a box, scrapbook, display it all in a shadow box, shred it, or compost the paper. It’s a fun way to remember all the moments, big and small, that you share as a family and then the next New Year’s Day you start again.

If your family is like mine they embraced the idea right from the start.

• “Do we have to. I hate to write.”
• “Why do I have to do this? I remember everything just fine.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid.”

But it never fails, after we read through the whole jar they are singing a different tune.

• “This was so much fun, I’m glad we did this.”
• “Thanks mom, that was a great idea.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid, but I guess it was fun.”

I hold back my “I told you so” and my “I knew you would have fun” and just silently gloat like a good mom. Getting older isn’t awesome, I’m still HOT but it just comes in flashes now and I may find myself in the garage holding a spatula and a bottle of nail polish trying to figure out what the original plan was. Our memories and experiences are how we document this journey and in many ways it’s the best part. Looking back at those experiences with my family and reliving them as we prepare for a brand new year is my favorite “M”…Magnificent.

The post Was I writing about menopause? I can’t remember. appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

My version of the perfect Mother’s Day doesn’t involve fancy dinners, chocolates or extravagant gifts. It’s sleeping late, not cooking a single meal (or doing the dishes), and celebrating the original mother, Mother Earth, by spending the day outside in the garden.

Misspelled cards and Picasso-esque drawings from my kids over the years will always have a special place in my heart, but as my girls are now in their teens (please pray for me, or at the very least send wine), the gift of spending time with them is just as precious. While not as Earthy-Crunchy as I am, at least not yet, my girls have definitely embraced some of my eco-friendly ways and joined me on my journey.

I’ve become a newly self-proclaimed minimalist, I have a new kitchen goal, and I’m no longer driving a hybrid. Is your interest piqued? Well, you’ll have to keep watching as I’ll get to those stories in future articles, but for now let me present my gift from one mom to another.

Let yourself be a bit selfish this Mother’s Day. We’ve earned it, ladies, and we keep earning it every day whether you’re changing diapers, need your own diaper changed, or you’re somewhere in between. I’ll admit there are some pretty terrific store-bought gifts out there, but if you’re a regular reader of mine then you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m giving you my TOP 10 FREE things you can do right now to save money and save Mama Earth.

1 – Next to my kitchen sink is a pitcher. Don’t go out and buy one. Trust me, you’ve got something right now that’s collecting dust and will work perfectly. A big glass, a vase, a water pitcher, a bowl your kids made you for a past Mother’s Day, or even that goldfish bowl you bought even though the poor guy only made it two days. Really anything that will hold water. Throughout the day there’s so much extra water I never use. The water my kids didn’t drink, water left in a measuring cup or pot, or even ice that fell on the floor. Instead of pouring it down the drain, I dump it in my pitcher and when it’s full I use it to water my plants. Save money on your water bill and don’t let perfectly good water go to waste.

2 – Become that weird person who demands everyone take their shoes off at the front door. I swear every time someone asked me to do it I’d roll my eyes (behind their back. I’m not that rude) while taking off my shoes. Yep, now you can roll your eyes at me. Not tracking dirt and debris into the house helps reduce indoor toxins and keeps your floors cleaner. Between my two kids, my two dogs and my hubby, there’s a lot of outdoors that ends up indoors. I used to go through vacuum bags like potato chips at a Grateful Dead concert, so this one’s a no-brainer. Less dirt, less vacuuming, less money spent. Win, win, win.

3 – Join me in My Year of Clear. Confused? That’s what I called it when I woke up and decided to keep only the things I love, use or are sentimental. Everything else goes. Not to the landfill of course. Don’t be ridiculous. All that stuff you’re saving “just in case?” Let me be your blunt friend. I know you have the best intentions, but you’re never going to use it. If you haven’t touched it in a year, you probably don’t need it. Sell it on eBay, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace and make a few bucks, or donate it to a local thrift store that supports a nonprofit. Your trash really can become someone else’s treasure, and you’ll have a little extra room to dance around your newly decluttered house.

4 – Did you know your clothes get just as clean using cold water? Yep. You’ll save money on your energy bill, your clothes will stay looking newer longer and you’ll help the planet. BAM. All in one. And if you want to take it one eco-step further, check out THIS ARTICLE and see how I ditched laundry detergent and now my clothes (and my washer and dryer) have never smelled better.

5 – This Mother’s Day I’ve set a huge personal goal for myself. Read one book a week. If you’re a reader like me, there’s no way I’m buying all those books to read once and then stick on a shelf like some strange literary trophy. My local library always has enough to keep me entertained, and they even print on the receipt how much money you’ve saved by borrowing instead of buying.

6 – “Turn the goddamn lights off!” Ahhhh…this brings me back. If I had a dollar for every time my dad yelled that at me, I could probably buy a small island. Like Staten Island. Turning off the lights inside the house is easy enough, but it seems like some of my neighbors grew up in a very different household because they leave their outside lights on all night. Now far be it from me to judge. If you’re one of them, I totally get it. (Nope…I’m silently judging you.) If you feel like you need to leave them on, at least invest in a timer. It’ll save energy and money. Unless, of course, you own the electric company. Then I guess carry on.

7 – Did you know you can turn the heat off in your dishwasher? Many even have an air-dry option that lets your dishes dry naturally. I always run mine at night, so if they take a little longer to dry it doesn’t matter.

8 – I have a neighbor I absolutely adore, but he’s a neat freak. Every Saturday he unrolls his garden hose and washes his driveway. Especially in the spring. If he grabbed a broom instead, he’d finish faster, save money on his water bill and conserve the wet stuff. (Note to self: Send sidewalk chalk to his kids and tell them to draw Mom a Happy Mother’s Day message on the driveway.)

9 – Saving water is probably the easiest thing you can do right now to help both your wallet and the planet. Take a shower instead of a bath. Don’t leave the water running while brushing your teeth or washing dishes. And always try to shower with a buddy. (In my case, my hubby.) And remember…a Retriever can be Golden, a Willy Wonka ticket can be Golden, and Rose, Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia should always be Golden. But I’d recommend keeping the Golden out of your shower for two.

10 – If you’re not using rooms in your house, close the heating and cooling vents to help reduce your energy costs and improve efficiency.

So to all the mothers, grandmothers and hard-working ladies out there, enjoy your day. Do something nice for yourself and for the Earth. Check back often for more helpful ideas and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

That’s it for me today. I’m off to do some gardening and maybe, if my hubby plays his cards right, there’ll be a shower for two in his future.

The post Make it a MOM-entous day appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

When it comes to parenting, my husband has a primary goal. “It’s our job as parents to teach you how to exist in society”. I personally think keeping them out of the adult film industry should rank slightly higher but I get where he’s coming from. All the life lessons we struggled through to get where we are now are the greatest gifts we can give to our children. Sure, there’s plenty they have to experience on their own but any leg up we can give them, in my opinion, is worth it. Now to be fair, just like 80s fashion choices you can’t have the good without some of the bad (acid wash jeans, really?). They certainly pick up our bad habits and “colorful” language but hopefully they pick up more of what we have to offer that’s, let’s say, “socially appropriate”.

As a mom I think for the most part I have my shit together. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get frustrated and lose it just like the next sleep-deprived mom out there. I’ve mouthed the words “Karma’s going to get you someday” when my kid’s back was turned but I try to keep my mini meltdowns on the DL. As an avid yoga fan, when one of my kids start pushing all the wrong buttons I remind myself to breathe. My yoga instructor calls it “Take 5”. Five breaths in and 5 breaths out – to the count of 5. It calms my inner demon and probably keeps Child Services out of my house. Five In Five Out…FIFO.

While both of my kids present hubby and me with unique challenges, it’s my younger daughter who definitely needs more “managing”.   Her spirit animal is apparently the Hulk and honestly if she was born first she would probably be an only child.   I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I want to move to the moon just to get a break from her.

They say patience is a virtue, they also say cleanliness is a virtue and she doesn’t have that one either. She will go from zero to frustrated almost instantly and change from Norman Rockwell to Norman Bates. How could such a cute little girl turn into such a witch? My first thought obviously was to blame myself. Did I scream too much in childbirth? Was I demanding too much? Is this how Hitler’s mother felt? She would literally blow her stack right in front of me. I tried ignoring her screaming meltdowns watching in horror expecting her head to spin around and vomit pea soup…that didn’t help. I’ve taken away her iPad and her computer…that didn’t help either. I took away every single stuffed animal and toy in her room, but then guiltily left her one to sleep with. She brought it into my bedroom, threw it on the floor and said “you forgot one” (true story)…so obviously none of this was working. To make things worse, her temper was becoming contagious and was turning me into a banshee where I would start screaming back at her. Five In Five Out…FIFO was the only thing that kept me sane.

Nothing was working and although my good natured mommy friends assured me this was just a stage, I knew that I couldn’t listen to this shit for years or worse…let it continue and have a teenaged Attila the Hun under my roof. My only saving grace was that she just did it for an audience of one…me. No one else knew my dark little secret…”Hi, my name is Ellen and I am the worst mother in existence”.

As some of you unfortunately know all the words to this familiar song, this started to change. Her inner-Hulk started to reveal itself on playdates and at school. To be fair she wasn’t a nuclear meltdown 24/7, but when she did pop she popped big. The stares, the begging (from me) and then I got the dreaded phone call… her teacher wanted to have a meeting with my husband and me. I figured we weren’t walking in to an award ceremony for “Best Parents Ever” but you can always hope (I made room on the mantle just in case we were taking home some kind of trophy, but I think you see where this is going).   Apparently she becomes so frustrated in school at the other kids, she will scream at them until they burst into tears. Now mind you, she wasn’t a sociopath, meaning she didn’t smile while they cried, she felt bad but just couldn’t control it. I sat there and patiently listened to her teacher ask if there were problems at home or any life changes which could be affecting her, to which there were none. My only thoughts were “I’m failing…worst parent ever”. Five In Five Out…FIFO

Now back to me…I’m not a screamer but I get overwhelmed like everyone else and I’m grateful for my yoga outlet and what it teaches me, Five In Five Out…FIFO. I’m taking care of me, my hubby, my mom, two kids and two doggies and there’s just not enough hours in the day. I want to scream bloody murder and lose my shit too, but I don’t (well, mostly). I’ve learned that when life gives you lemons there isn’t always an opportunity to make lemonade.   Sometimes life takes those lemons and squirts you in the eyes and rubs them in your cuts. You have to keep your shit together and keep on living. It all sounds great, right? If only life was as easy as some blogger makes it out to be. My life isn’t perfect and neither is my daughter’s…neither is anyone’s. Most of the bad shit in life is out of our control and the only thing we can do is choose how we react to it. I recently started teaching “little Attila” that nope…life isn’t fair and hell is other people. Like her dad constantly points out to them, you need to be able to function in society even when society sucks.

I’ve started bringing my little rage monster into the FIFO fold and we’ve seen a dramatic change for the better. She’s starting to recognize when things are making her frustrated and before it gets out of hand she starts to calm herself down.   I’ve seen her in mid-conversation with her sister; she stops, closes her eyes and start deep breathing.

As happy endings go (no hubby, not that kind) this sounds like a great one. I’d love to tell you that she has completely changed her ways and turned into a shining beacon of joy and happiness. As Americans we love our stories to have happy endings where all the problems are solved, the hero wins and the villain has been defeated. Unfortunately in real life sometimes the definition of a win is no one ended up in the hospital and the cops were not at my house.

My little short-fused firecracker has certainly mellowed out when she reached double digits (almost in time for teen-dom, hooray!). She practices her FIFO and the meetings with her teachers are now more focused on her love for history and her disdain for math. While definitely not at a helicopter-mom level I still keep one Bionic Woman ear on her play dates, and I’m happy to share that she is growing into a conscientious and thoughtful young woman. I’m sure, like anyone else, she’ll have her outbursts and meltdowns and that’s OK.   My hubby says “that’s just the cost of doing business”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he says it with such an air of wisdom that I just nod and smile (hey what can I say…he’s pretty).

I look forward to a long life filled with offering unrequested pearls of wisdom and nuggets of advice to my girls. Late night talks about a broken heart over a quart of ice cream, helping fill out college applications and reassuring a hormonal pregnant mom-to-be that she’s going to do just fine…these are all hopefully in my future. As parents we have a lot to teach our kids and as a mom of girls I feel like I have a specific responsibility in raising these potential leaders of tomorrow. The benefits of teaching both of my kids about FIFO is twofold. I’m helping them develop the coping mechanisms they’ll need throughout their lives as well as practicing myself which I think makes me a better mom and gets us all a little closer to our Happy Ending (that one’s for you hubby).

Five In Five Out…FIFO

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