When it comes to parenting, my husband has a primary goal. “It’s our job as parents to teach you how to exist in society”. I personally think keeping them out of the adult film industry should rank slightly higher but I get where he’s coming from. All the life lessons we struggled through to get where we are now are the greatest gifts we can give to our children. Sure, there’s plenty they have to experience on their own but any leg up we can give them, in my opinion, is worth it. Now to be fair, just like 80s fashion choices you can’t have the good without some of the bad (acid wash jeans, really?). They certainly pick up our bad habits and “colorful” language but hopefully they pick up more of what we have to offer that’s, let’s say, “socially appropriate”.

As a mom I think for the most part I have my shit together. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get frustrated and lose it just like the next sleep-deprived mom out there. I’ve mouthed the words “Karma’s going to get you someday” when my kid’s back was turned but I try to keep my mini meltdowns on the DL. As an avid yoga fan, when one of my kids start pushing all the wrong buttons I remind myself to breathe. My yoga instructor calls it “Take 5”. Five breaths in and 5 breaths out – to the count of 5. It calms my inner demon and probably keeps Child Services out of my house. Five In Five Out…FIFO.

While both of my kids present hubby and me with unique challenges, it’s my younger daughter who definitely needs more “managing”.   Her spirit animal is apparently the Hulk and honestly if she was born first she would probably be an only child.   I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I want to move to the moon just to get a break from her.

They say patience is a virtue, they also say cleanliness is a virtue and she doesn’t have that one either. She will go from zero to frustrated almost instantly and change from Norman Rockwell to Norman Bates. How could such a cute little girl turn into such a witch? My first thought obviously was to blame myself. Did I scream too much in childbirth? Was I demanding too much? Is this how Hitler’s mother felt? She would literally blow her stack right in front of me. I tried ignoring her screaming meltdowns watching in horror expecting her head to spin around and vomit pea soup…that didn’t help. I’ve taken away her iPad and her computer…that didn’t help either. I took away every single stuffed animal and toy in her room, but then guiltily left her one to sleep with. She brought it into my bedroom, threw it on the floor and said “you forgot one” (true story)…so obviously none of this was working. To make things worse, her temper was becoming contagious and was turning me into a banshee where I would start screaming back at her. Five In Five Out…FIFO was the only thing that kept me sane.

Nothing was working and although my good natured mommy friends assured me this was just a stage, I knew that I couldn’t listen to this shit for years or worse…let it continue and have a teenaged Attila the Hun under my roof. My only saving grace was that she just did it for an audience of one…me. No one else knew my dark little secret…”Hi, my name is Ellen and I am the worst mother in existence”.

As some of you unfortunately know all the words to this familiar song, this started to change. Her inner-Hulk started to reveal itself on playdates and at school. To be fair she wasn’t a nuclear meltdown 24/7, but when she did pop she popped big. The stares, the begging (from me) and then I got the dreaded phone call… her teacher wanted to have a meeting with my husband and me. I figured we weren’t walking in to an award ceremony for “Best Parents Ever” but you can always hope (I made room on the mantle just in case we were taking home some kind of trophy, but I think you see where this is going).   Apparently she becomes so frustrated in school at the other kids, she will scream at them until they burst into tears. Now mind you, she wasn’t a sociopath, meaning she didn’t smile while they cried, she felt bad but just couldn’t control it. I sat there and patiently listened to her teacher ask if there were problems at home or any life changes which could be affecting her, to which there were none. My only thoughts were “I’m failing…worst parent ever”. Five In Five Out…FIFO

Now back to me…I’m not a screamer but I get overwhelmed like everyone else and I’m grateful for my yoga outlet and what it teaches me, Five In Five Out…FIFO. I’m taking care of me, my hubby, my mom, two kids and two doggies and there’s just not enough hours in the day. I want to scream bloody murder and lose my shit too, but I don’t (well, mostly). I’ve learned that when life gives you lemons there isn’t always an opportunity to make lemonade.   Sometimes life takes those lemons and squirts you in the eyes and rubs them in your cuts. You have to keep your shit together and keep on living. It all sounds great, right? If only life was as easy as some blogger makes it out to be. My life isn’t perfect and neither is my daughter’s…neither is anyone’s. Most of the bad shit in life is out of our control and the only thing we can do is choose how we react to it. I recently started teaching “little Attila” that nope…life isn’t fair and hell is other people. Like her dad constantly points out to them, you need to be able to function in society even when society sucks.

I’ve started bringing my little rage monster into the FIFO fold and we’ve seen a dramatic change for the better. She’s starting to recognize when things are making her frustrated and before it gets out of hand she starts to calm herself down.   I’ve seen her in mid-conversation with her sister; she stops, closes her eyes and start deep breathing.

As happy endings go (no hubby, not that kind) this sounds like a great one. I’d love to tell you that she has completely changed her ways and turned into a shining beacon of joy and happiness. As Americans we love our stories to have happy endings where all the problems are solved, the hero wins and the villain has been defeated. Unfortunately in real life sometimes the definition of a win is no one ended up in the hospital and the cops were not at my house.

My little short-fused firecracker has certainly mellowed out when she reached double digits (almost in time for teen-dom, hooray!). She practices her FIFO and the meetings with her teachers are now more focused on her love for history and her disdain for math. While definitely not at a helicopter-mom level I still keep one Bionic Woman ear on her play dates, and I’m happy to share that she is growing into a conscientious and thoughtful young woman. I’m sure, like anyone else, she’ll have her outbursts and meltdowns and that’s OK.   My hubby says “that’s just the cost of doing business”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he says it with such an air of wisdom that I just nod and smile (hey what can I say…he’s pretty).

I look forward to a long life filled with offering unrequested pearls of wisdom and nuggets of advice to my girls. Late night talks about a broken heart over a quart of ice cream, helping fill out college applications and reassuring a hormonal pregnant mom-to-be that she’s going to do just fine…these are all hopefully in my future. As parents we have a lot to teach our kids and as a mom of girls I feel like I have a specific responsibility in raising these potential leaders of tomorrow. The benefits of teaching both of my kids about FIFO is twofold. I’m helping them develop the coping mechanisms they’ll need throughout their lives as well as practicing myself which I think makes me a better mom and gets us all a little closer to our Happy Ending (that one’s for you hubby).

Five In Five Out…FIFO

The post The Nuclear (meltdown) Family appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Now, full disclosure. I’m the kind of girl who never really needed to work out. (Hold your boos until the end, please.) I could eat an entire bag of douche chips (salt and vinegar) and polish off a bottle of screw-top wine without gaining an ounce. My skin might eventually start looking like Ray Liotta and my liver would probably be calling the cops, but you get my point.

I had it all under control through my twenties, got married, had kids in my thirties and bounced back pretty well. Then I hit my forties and…well…shit got real. It wasn’t anything drastic, but my body had clearly decided we were playing by a new set of rules.

I realized pretty quickly that not only was I going to have to stop stuffing my face, I was also going to have to embrace the dreaded “E” word.

Exercise.

It had been a long time since Jane Fonda was yelling at me through the TV, so I figured it was time to drag my workout routine into the 21st century.

I managed to dodge the Freshman 15 years ago, but now I was battling the “Fortyish 15.” I joined a yoga studio and committed to going three to five times a week. It was one of the best decisions I’d made, but I still wanted to add a little more variety to my routine. That’s when I stumbled across Aaptiv.

Aaptiv is an audio fitness app that offers guided workouts with trainers coaching you through everything from yoga and meditation to treadmill workouts, strength training and cycling. What I liked most was the flexibility. Some days I had forty-five minutes. Other days I was lucky to find ten. There was always something that fit my schedule.

The yoga classes were a natural fit since I’d already learned many of the poses in the studio. The ab workouts absolutely kicked my butt, and the meditation sessions usually ended with me falling asleep. Not exactly the goal, but I’m counting it as a win.

Then there was my elliptical.

You know…that expensive machine in the bedroom that’s usually covered with yesterday’s laundry.

Apparently it’s exercise equipment.

Who knew?

Having a trainer in my ear made a huge difference. Before Aaptiv I’d watch cooking shows while halfheartedly pedaling, which, yes, I realize is wonderfully ironic. Now someone was actually pushing me to keep going instead of letting me convince myself I’d earned a break after three minutes.

The app also offers programs for 5K and 10K training, treadmill workouts, indoor cycling, outdoor walks and running.

Running might be a stretch.

The only time you’ll catch me running is if someone yells, “Free wine!”

For someone like me, Aaptiv fits my life perfectly. As a mom, my schedule changes by the hour. I don’t always have time to drive to the gym, work out and drive back home. Some days those extra thirty minutes are the difference between getting a workout in and talking myself out of it.

I needed something ready whenever I was.

If I wanted 13 minutes of “Absurd Abs,” 37 minutes of “Chill Pop Vinyasa” or 15 minutes of “Legs Like Fire,” it was sitting there waiting for me with a pair of headphones.

So maybe it’s time to stop sitting on the couch eating spicy food and pretending that’s cardio.

Aaptiv offers a free seven-day trial, and I’ve always believed if it’s free, it’s for me. If you’re looking for a workout that’s convenient, motivating and doesn’t require leaving the house, it’s definitely worth checking out.

After all, the only thing you have to lose is the butt-shaped dent in your couch.

The convenience, versatility and motivation of the Aaptiv program inspired this review. I received a complimentary two-week trial, and all opinions expressed are entirely my own.

The post Fitness that Fits in your Hand appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

OK, everyone who knows me knows I love to recycle.  Whether it’s tin cans, shampoo bottles or toilet paper it doesn’t really matter to me.  In the spirit of recycling I have taken my 10-Step Commandments from our podcast and recycled/reused here in one nice neat package, I call it The Perfect Ten (no hubby, not you but you’re totally a strong 9…ok maybe 8).  Originally I called it the Ten of Hearts but that made me think of The Queen of Hearts and when I start singing Juice Newton around the house everyone gets pissed (they must be jealous of my fabulous singing voice).  So if some of these sound familiar, you’re not crazy (as far as I can tell).  We felt this feature was so good for your ears that we didn’t want your eyes to get jealous.  Enjoy!  😉

I have 2 daughters; my husband refers to them as the scientist and the anarchist.  My younger one, the anarchist is truly sweet and has a huge heart, but there hasn’t been a rule made that she hasn’t broken.  She’s super smart, but a little lazy and is convinced that half of her teachers and all adults have no idea what they are talking about.  My scientist however is the type of child who thrives on compliments and parental pride.  She loves school and has on more than one occasion been referred to as “an old soul”.

Now make no mistake when it comes to the lottery that is parenthood I hit the jackpot on both tries.  My girls couldn’t be more different but I wouldn’t change a thing about either of them (well, mostly).

The scientist (who now is considering which surgery specialty to study…she’s 12) and I were watching Grey’s Anatomy together.  It’s “our” show and on a particular episode one of the patients lays in a hospital bed dying. Not the breathy-can’t move kind-Emergency Room kind of dying, just the super-pale-lying-in-bed kind of dying.  With her daughter at her side she’s chit-chatting away, as we mothers do, feeding her a huge helping of unsolicited advice.  The dutiful daughter is giving her dying mom a mani, as one does, because just like wearing clean underwear you should never walk around with chipped nails…just in case the unspeakable were to happen. The mom passes one tidbit that made me tilt my head like a confused puppy…”you should be with a man who loves you more than you love him”.  I’ve heard a lot of kooky relationship advice but this was a new one on me, and apparently the daughter didn’t agree either because she got up and walked over to the hospital room window. When she turns around…the mom is dead. Of course, I’m balling my eyes out and the scientist looks over at me and says “it’s okay mom, it was probably an embolism and she didn’t feel any pain”.  I took a long look at my pre-teen scientist and thought…what would I tell her (and my 10-year old anarchist) right before I died and it’s not “Hey, I could have used a second coat.”

So here it is, my life advice for the lights of my life:

1-Everyone messes up: You, me, your dad (contrary to popular belief), your friends, teachers, the Dalai Lama…everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes are fine, it’s all part of the process of growing up and being a grown up, but unfortunately more times than not, those mistakes hurt other people in some way. I believe it’s what you do afterwards that’s the important part. Do you blame others, brush it off, and rationalize it that they deserved it or it’s their fault. Or do you say sorry and own up to your shit. The only way to learn is by making mistakes. My advice is to take responsibility and learn from them. You messed up and you own it, you’ll get a lot more mileage out of learning from a mistake and changing your behavior than blaming it on someone or something else.  However, if you keep making the same mistake over and over again, that’s a problem.

2-Grateful/Universe: I don’t know who said this first but “You can’t be grateful and unhappy at the same time”, but it might have been my husband the day after I gave him his birthday gift (wink!). In our house, every night we do “Grateful/Universe”. We talk about the things we are grateful for and what we ask of the universe? It doesn’t have to be big. I’ve been grateful for an awesome parking spot, finding the right color shoes, and waking up in the morning. Asking the universe for a new My Little Pony doll doesn’t fly in my house – it’s more about asking for someone to get well, confidence during a test, or the Tooth Fairy not to forget to visit again. Yup that’s happened twice (see advice #1).

3-Give Back to Others: As a kid, I once asked my mom why we bust our asses our whole life only to die in the end – why do we bother? She told me, “You spend your life helping others, making other lives better, that’s what it’s all about. That’s the legacy you leave.” I don’t agree with my mom all the time (sorry mom) but this time I do. In my house we don’t do for others for the pat on the back, the reward or the recognition. We help others because to us it’s as important to life as breathing. It’s something we can’t imagine living without. It doesn’t have to be large gestures or donating piles of money, we find the most value in the little everyday things like volunteering our time, smiling at people, listening when someone is talking to you and just being kind.

4-Forgiveness: We’ve established that everyone makes mistakes and everyone can be a douche (those are the anarchist’s words, not mine). A valuable yet often overlooked quality is learning to forgive. I’m not suggesting to forget, but instead to store that nugget of information away and go on with your life. I teach my girls that you absolutely do not have to accept someone’s apology, but forgiveness is for you so you don’t live with the anger. That’s right…we’re taught if you make a mistake, you say “I’m sorry” and the other person says ok and everything’s fixed. Screw that! My hubby always says, “When someone pushes you down a flight of stairs, looks down and says sorry, you’re still left at the bottom of the stairs.” Some shit in life is beyond an “I’m sorry” and you don’t have to be ok with it. But you should find forgiveness so you’re not left constantly pissed.

5-Moderation: Everything in moderation is our mantra. It doesn’t matter if it’s ice cream, shopping or drinking from the skulls of our enemies (my anarchist’s suggestion, not mine).

6-Listen More, Talk Less: Ok, so I’m not so good with this one…YET, but I am getting better. I come from a family of talkers but what I’ve learned is that most of the time when I’m flapping my mouth it’s to let other people know what I know. My husband always says “every time you talk you are saying things you already know, when you listen you have the potential to learn something new”. Hot and smart, that’s why I love him, find one just like him.

7-Live Fearlessly: Let’s unpack this one carefully. I’m not saying to jump out of planes, wear plaid with stripes or walk a tightrope between buildings in NYC, unless that’s your thing. I’m talking about not being scared to try something new, to think outside the box, to say “yes” to all the things you would instinctively say no to. If you never do anything that scares you then you’re not truly living.  I’m scared of public speaking so when I was asked to speak at my daughter’s graduation every fiber of my being was screaming “NO don’t do it”. I smiled and agreed and I must say I did a fine job. When I saw a pair of crazy palazzo pants I thought those are cool but not for me – it’s not my style. I stopped and bought two pairs. Again, stop thinking big, it’s the small stuff too.

8-Meditate:  There are thousands of websites that talk about the health benefits of meditation, and while I agree with all of them, that’s not why I keep coming back to it. For me, meditation is simply a chance to hit the pause button.  As moms, we’re pretty good at going from zero to losing our minds in about three seconds flat. Meditation reminds me to stop, breathe and realize that most of the things I’m stressing over really aren’t that important. It quiets the chatter in my head, gives me a little perspective and helps me remember not to sweat the small stuff. That alone makes it worth the effort.

9-Don’t let anyone tell you what you can and cannot do…including yourself: I loved the show “Lost”, (well…except for the ending). My favorite line of the show was from John Locke, the character in the wheelchair, who yells “Don’t tell me what I can’t do” when he wants to go on a walkabout. I’m not saying life is easy, on the contrary, life will kick you in the ass every chance it gets. If you work hard, stay focused and dream BIG you can do things you never thought were possible.

10-Expect/Demand More: My goal is to raise two daughters who are confident, strong women who demand to be treated well. It doesn’t matter if it’s a spouse, a friend, or someone you hire to paint your room black (guess what color my anarchist wants to paint her room). Expect more from yourself than anyone else expects from you. Demand respect from the people you let into your life.

The post The Perfect 10 appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I read a lot of books.  It’s not unusual for my hubby to find me passed out in bed (empty wine glass next to me like a loyal soldier) with a book still open in my lap.  Some of my guilty pleasures have been “Nature’s Nether Regions”, “Safe Haven”, “Does the Soul Survive?”, “Everyone Poops” or once for some international flavor,  the Scottish tale of romance “A Wee Bit Lower, Lassy”.

Reading is my escape; it’s my happy place (if I don’t have the opportunity for a nap). As a busy mom I spend more than a few afternoons sitting in my car waiting to pick up one of my kids from some place or another and I always have a book with me.  If you were to peek into my passenger side window right now (along with getting a faceful of mace, you creeper) you’d see my copy of Lilly Cadoch’s Busy Mom’s Cheat Sheet: Raising Happy Healthy Kids.

Obviously the title is an eye-catcher, but you can’t always judge a book by its cover. Take “Still Stripping After 25 Years” which is a book about a woman’s lifelong love of quilting (I shit you not, look it up). Well, faithful readers let me tell you that Lilly Cadoch’s book definitely delivers the goods.

“Cheat Sheets” have gotten a bad reputation over the years, or so my 11^th grade English Literature teacher would have us believe, but I’m a huge fan.  I don’t always need all the fanfare and the romance and the flowers and the gifts, sometimes I want to just get down to the dirty and the gritty.  The Busy Mom’s Cheat Sheet: Raising Happy Healthy Kids is an easy to follow and understand handbook to help energize parents in their ongoing quest to raise healthier kids.  The book is broken down into three vital life categories: Body, Mind and Spirit. I couldn’t agree more with advice like “This trifecta makes up our entire being and if any of them get out of balance, it can throw everything out of whack…When we have a healthy body, we can more clearly tackle our mind and spiritual needs.”

My kids are pretty open-minded when it comes to trying new foods, but they aren’t afraid to tell me when one of my experiments taste like a cardboard box left out in the rain.  So when one of my daughters loved the recipe for the cheesy veggie omelet I grabbed on to that one and held tight.  I also used a few of her snack ideas for my kids’ backpacks and I myself practically live on the zucchini spaghetti pasta dish.  And by the way, feel free to skip to page 127 for an awesome take on Tofu.

Not only does this book offer real-life mommy advice, it helps you make smarter food choices for your family and to provide your children with valuable life-long skills. Here are just a few great ideas that resonated with me…

• Teaching your kids how to read food and ingredient labels in order to make healthier choices
• 18 tips for foods to avoid
• Ways to get more exercise into your child’s schedule
• Tactics on how to get your kids to sleep (without the battle)
• Teaching empathy
• The power of gratitude
• 45 bonus recipes that are quick, easy, delicious and kid-friendly

Seem simple?  Of course

Do we always do it? Of course not

Having kids literally jump started my holistic journey into eating and living cleaner because I wanted to set a good example and teach my kids to live a healthy lifestyle.  My girls are 9 & 12, I love the idea of them being more involved with the grocery shopping and our ingredient choices, they are after all, my target audience (sorry, hubby).  I enjoy sharing my sense of spirituality with my family and every night before bed we talk about “Grateful Universe” and the large and small things in our life we are thankful for.  I think in a lot of ways Lily Cadoch and I may have been separated at birth (or at the very least are kindred spirits) because every page I read from her book makes me want to shout out “Yes, that’s what I do” or “Thank goodness I’m not the only one who feels that way.”

This book is a fantastic guide to help any parent trying to raise healthier kids and needing real world practical guidance.  I like to think that when we know better, we do better. So any book that can give a fresh and positive perspective to eating smart, getting my kids a better night’s sleep, improving their sense of self and dipping their toes into the benefits of spirituality, that’s a little bit of “cheating” we can all benefit from.

I was sent a copy of this book for free to review; however, no other compensation was received and the opinions I expressed were entirely my own.

The post The Most Valuable Cheat Sheet You Never Knew About – Unsponsored Review appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Goals: The result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end
Selfish: Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Liquor: How a male animal cleans his mate (ok, that one might be a bit of a stretch, but I was on a roll)

Well, so now that 2016 has finished kicking our
ass I’m looking forward to my life in 2017.

We lost Prince but we got Batman vs Superman.
We lost Zsa Zsa but we got Zika.
We lost Bowie but we got killer clowns.
We lost Gene Wilder but we got Pokemon Go.
We lost The Good Wife but we got Fuller house
We lost Muhammad Ali but we got the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Yup, pretty fucking awful.

And so here we are…2017.

Last year, or maybe the last two years, became my Year of Fear. The idea was simple: do one thing every day that scares you. I jumped off a cliff into a lake, I parallel parked, I wore dangly earrings with a pair of jeans, and I started saying yes to things that made me uncomfortable. Some were big. Some were ridiculously small. But they all counted.

To me, 2016 was the slap. Now I want 2017 to be the hug.

I’m taking off my superhero cape and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of selfishness. Actually, let’s stop calling it selfishness. Let’s call it self-care. It’s not about me, me, me. It’s about putting me first once in a while. That’s the goal. The Year of Me.

Let me unpack this a little more…most all of us have been on a plane and listened to the flight attendants give their safety speech. Try to get past the visual of them blowing up the life-vest like a little pinky sized pee-pee…what do they always say?

“Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others”.

It sounds backwards, but it makes perfect sense. Most of us are hardwired to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. But if we’re running on empty, we’re not much help to anybody.

It’s like when I hear, “A happy mother equals a happy child.” Personally, I’m still convinced high-speed internet has something to do with it too. But just because a saying is a little cheesy doesn’t make it wrong.

Take these “Just Because…” gems, for example:

“Just because I’m looking at you doesn’t mean I’m listening”
“Just because it’s handmade doesn’t mean it’s cheap”
“Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t sing”
“Just because it’s a hole, doesn’t mean you should stick your finger in it” (Fine, I might have made that one up, but it still holds true. Sorry hubby)

I’m not sure when being selfish became synonymous with being a douchebag, but here we are. My answer to this is in 2017 is I’m declaring myself the supreme leader of Douchebagistan and the borders are open to all who want to embrace the lifestyle with me. Who says that being selfish makes you a bitch? That makes about as much sense as a dentist trying to have a conversation with me while she’s got a couple of metal sticks in my mouth poking and prodding.

Let’s be clear, as much as I’d like The Year of Me to consist of nothing but Netflix and an all-wine diet, I still live in the real world. I have 2 kids (3 if you count the hubby), 2 dogs, my mom and all the other responsibilities that I treasure, but that doesn’t mean that me and my needs always need to take a backseat.

I vow to myself to stop putting shit off. I love to read, sleep late, experiment in the kitchen, take a candlelit bath, and simply have an hour where nobody needs anything from me. It’s time to stop pushing me to the bottom of the list or God help us, off the list. It’s easy to lose a bit of ourselves along the way, and to that I say No Fucking More!

2017 “The Year of Me”. You can find memes galore on the internet about “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. Well then call me Dr. Nobody, because I’m making time for that…who’s with me?

The post Welcome to Douchebagistan, Population: ME! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

When I was a kid I sat across from my older brother at the dinner table.  I’m not sure why, but every meal was an unconscious race to see who ate the fastest.  Maybe it was the fact that my mom was such an awesome cook that you couldn’t help but keep shoveling it in.  Maybe it was the fact that my brother was like a garbage disposal and ate everything in sight and no one’s plate was safe.  The most likely reason is whoever finished eating first got to decide what TV show we would watch before we went to bed.  My friends would come over for dinner and while they were finishing their soup, my family was polishing off dessert. So in our house, to paraphrase Ferris “Food disappears pretty fast.  If you don’t get it while it’s hot, you could miss it.”

So short story long…I have always eaten very fast.

As I got older and was maturing into the classy goddess of etiquette I am today (hah!) I still hovered over my food and wolfed it down like I was in a prison cafeteria and some bitch was eyeing my tray.  As some of you may unfortunately know, the problem with eating so fast is that your brain can’t catch up and let you know you’re full, so you eat too much and then you pay the price.  I was always thin so gaining weight was never my issue, but this was still a problem because I always ended up eating so much I’d feel miserable for the rest of the night. Looking back, my body was trying to tell me to slow down long before I was ready to listen.  While this was good practice for college with my double majors of drinking and more drinking, it was not so good that my friends were constantly going to my mom trying to stage an eating disorder intervention.  Ahhhh, good times.

So here I am, all grown up…having recently turned 29 (for the 15^th time) and I wish I could say my eating has slowed down but these days I only lie about my age.  Having long since abandoned my porcelain prayers, now I would just lie down after a big meal, feel like crap and wish that someone would just roll me back into the water like a beached whale.  A few months ago my BFF since I was 9 years old (who also just turned 29…again) came for a lunch visit, she was still finishing her salad as I sat and watched because I had already finished my meal ten minutes before.  “El, if I hear one gag noise coming from the bathroom tonight I’m calling your mom about that damn intervention”.  So rather than end up on an episode of an A&E reality show I’ve decided to finally change my ways.

I read a gazillion articles about fast eaters and tried all the slow-down fads.  I’ve tried eating with my left hand.  I tried putting my fork down between each bite but that annoyed the hell out of me, and my kids started making robot noises every time I moved my arms.  I even tried chewing each bite of food 20 times.  That ended up being the gold-standard of ridiculousness and between all the drooling and the pile of mush I ended up swallowing I would need to invest in a lifetime supply of bibs.  I was afraid the hubby was going to give me an adult size bib with some stupid saying on it like “If you think I’m cute, you should see my husband”.

So now I’ve gone back to basics and ditched the quick fix approach.  My family has instituted our new practice of “mindful eating”.  I’m teaching myself and my family to embrace a more relaxed, “in the moment” type of eating.  Sharing a meal with my friends and family should be about the journey and not the destination.  I continually strive to adopt this way of thinking to all aspects of my life…except for sex of course.

A fun trick that we came up with to help us on our mindful eating journey is replacing our utensils with chopsticks.  It’s slowing me down tremendously and I guess I make it look like fun because my kids are doing it too.  Now, before you ask, yes we still use spoons for soup and ice cream.  I’m committed to making this work, but there’s only so much laundry I can do in a week.

So these days my eating habits are less “The Amazing Race” and instead more “Curb Your Enthusiasm”, although my perverted lifetime roommate (let’s call him hubby) is still partial to “Twin Peaks” or “60 Minutes”.  My family knows to only eat until they are 80% full and no one gets read the riot act if there is food still left on their plate.  Oh I still have been known to visit the porcelain altar from time to time, but that probably has something to do with surpassing 80% full with my organic wine.

So, what have we learned today?

• Eating should not be a race
• They make bibs for adults
• Even at 29 it’s not too late to change your ways
• My family mercilessly (but lovingly) enjoy teasing me
• You can get valuable life lessons from Ferris Bueller

Hopefully I’ve made you think, made you laugh and even taught you a thing or two.  I’ll leave you with my favorite geology-based quote from Ferris Bueller that I find timely right around Earth Day.

“Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.”

…Bon Appetit

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