Heated Blanket: I’m sick and tired of my entire family complaining how I turn down the heat at night. I’m trying to conserve energy, save a boat load of money and I’m menopausal so I have my own internal heating system and it’s all over the map. My hubby likes it warm so he raises the heat when I’m sleeping and I wake up dripping in sweat like I ran a marathon in my sleep. Everyone in my house is getting their own heated blanket except me of course. Thanks hormones!

Vegan, Zero Waste Non-Toxic Bath Bombs and Scrubs: Sure, I could try to make these myself but I’d rather find another eco-freak who makes them better like the ones I bought from Life Around 2 Angles. I love giving luxurious bath stuff as gifts because no one ever splurges on this for themselves and it’s the perfect gift because no matter how old you are, when you drop one of the those bad boys into the water and it’s starts fuzzing up and turning green you squeal like a kid taking her (or his) first bubble bath.

Books: Before you groan, I’m not buying them War & Peace or The Iliad. My oldest is now into witchcraft, pagan religions and all things Wicca. So instead of rolling my eyes, I’m embracing it and buying her books and tarot cards. Now let’s hope she doesn’t do a bunch of spells on me where I vomit bugs. UGH I hate bugs.

Crystals: Another thing my “Wicked Daughter of the West” loves is crystals. She cleans them, says prayers over them, wears them and even slips them into my purse “to protect me”. Hey in the world of Covid I could use some extra good juju. I just did a bunch of shopping on this site and even found something more to my own tastes. So raise your hand if you just bought yourself a candle you absolutely didn’t need. (I’m raising my hand).

Tea Gift Set: After a long afternoon of paganism, who doesn’t love to sit down to a relaxing cup of tea? It seems more authentic for her to use loose tea so I found this heavenly celestial tea strainer that she’s gonna love (she always telling me about constellations and Uranus – insert laugh) and a bunch of different teas to try.

MakeUp: Both girls have different skin tones from me yet they keep using my stuff. Or we go to the drugstore and all they want is that toxic crap that’s tested on animals and is filled with chemicals I can’t pronounce. Not only do I care about their lovely faces, but I care about mine too. I’ve switched to using Seint which is color matched perfectly to your own skin tone and made from clean ingredients. Made in the USA, cruelty-free, reasonably priced and free shipping…always.

Mascara: What Seint doesn’t sell is mascara. I’ve tried all the clean ones (check out my Top 5) but I’ve found a new one I LOVE. Again, both my girls use my mascara (ewwww) so I got them each their own from Thrive Causemetics.

Shower Speaker: My girls love music and although I like silence while showering and my hubby likes to shower in the dark (no idea why), my girls want to sing. This wireless shower speaker means I no longer have to worry about their phones getting wet and I can stop keeping uncooked rice in trays to dry them out.

Light Décor: (a teenage version of a night light): No matter how old you get you like to sleep with some sort of night light. But when you’re a teenager it’s called neon décor (it’s still a nightlight).

The Comfy: This is one of those times I rolled my eyes at my daughter who HAD TO HAVE THIS. I got it and then I never gave it to her. OMG this is just about the best sweatshirt/blanket thing I’ve ever worn and perfect for this winter of staying home and never getting out of PJs.

Games: I never played Dungeons & Dragons but I’ve got a kid who is obsessed and gets on Facetime and plays with her friends. If this keeps her connected to her friends and they’re doing something other than talking about Sex, Drugs or (God help us) Country Music, then I’m all for it.

Head Phones: We hate all the wireless stuff. We tend to avoid it when we have another option, so we wire up when we can. I also don’t let my kids wear ear buds. That’s right! “Worst Mom EVER!” alert. OH THE HORROR. Now I’m not an otolaryngologist (I’m not that kind of doctor), but again, I’m gonna be overly cautious. My husband constantly complains about ringing in his ears. I tell him that’s called an alarm and it’s time to get up, but he’s convinced it’s from a misspent youth of absurdly loud rock music and concerts (he says Def Leppard, but I’ve seen pictures of his childhood room with Debbie Gibson posters). We didn’t have ear buds back then, but they sure do make it easy to crank the volume. Oh, what a blessing technology is. Sadly, my kids’ taste in music tends to be “eclectic,” so headphones in my house are still a necessity.

Ring Light: If your kid TikToks like mine this is gonna be the most awesome, most practical, and definitely most used gift of all time!

Pillow: If socks and underwear are the “plain vanilla ice cream” of gifts, then the last gift on my list is “Nicholas Cage eating a bowl of plain vanilla ice cream” meaning it’s the lamest of the lame with extra lame sauce on the side. This one is my favorite and that’s why I saved the best for last. “They” say you should replace your pillow every 1 to 2 years but I think I’m sleeping on a pillow that I’ve had since Knight Rider was on Thursday nights at 8pm. There’s a local cat shelter that scatters pillows everywhere because the cats love to hang out on them so it’s time I donate my favorite smooshy pillow to a good cause and buy us all new pillows. I tried this one out by accident when I hopped into my friend’s bed and leaned back against this cloud of awesomeness and the best part – you can remove and add stuffing to get it exactly the way YOU want it. Pillows for everyone, the gift that will hopefully give you a good night’s sleep.  See…Best Gift Ever!

If you liked this please don’t forget to subscribe to our blog and share it.

The post The Only Holiday Gift Guide You’ll Ever Need appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Somewhere during “not hot” season we cram Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and Kwanzaa into about five weeks. I can only speak for those of the Hebrew persuasion, but I’m guessing the other holidays come with their own family drama, stress and at least one awkward conversation nobody wanted to have.

Thanksgiving always makes me laugh. We spend an entire day talking about how grateful we are for everything we already have, then less than twenty-four hours later we’re elbowing strangers in a store trying to buy more stuff we probably don’t need. We’ve all seen it over the years. Cabbage Patch Kids. Tickle Me Elmo. Razor Scooters. Fingerlings.

I know because I spent December of 2017 calling every toy store within driving distance asking, “Hi…do you have any Fingerlings left?” To which my husband, being my husband, immediately informed me it’s never too late for a good fingerling. I hate how much I laughed at that.

The point is, we’re a society of gift givers, but the older I get the more I think we’re shopping for the wrong things. Most gifts fall into one of two categories. They’re either completely forgettable, or they’re so awful the recipient starts wondering if you even know them at all.

Some of my favorite gifts over the years haven’t been things at all. They’ve been experiences. A Broadway show. A concert. A weekend away. A cooking class. An afternoon wandering through a museum. The “stuff” eventually ends up in a closet, a garage sale or a landfill. The memories somehow stick around.

So in the spirit of giving I’m going to give you my 20 (for 2020) ideas of Gifts of Experience for family and friends, young and old, that aren’t just for the Wintry season.  These gift ideas can be given all year round and not just for special occasions, but sometimes just because giving somebody a bad-ass gift just makes you awesome.

1) Tickets to a Show (Comedy, Theatre, Symphony, Opera)
2) Tickets to a Professional Sports Event
3) Passes to a Local Amusement Park or Local Water Park
4) Music Lessons
5) Art Lessons
6) Sports Lessons
7) Equipment for Sports: Skis, Basketball, Baseball, Helmets, Skates
8) Museum Membership
9) Zoo Membership
10) Aquarium Membership
11) Tickets to a Holiday Light Show
12) Movie Gift Cards
13) National and State Park Pass
14) A Weekend Trip Away/Vacation
15) Concert Tickets
16) Laser Tag/Escape Room/Mini Golf/Bounce Place/Indoor Skydiving
17) Pottery Painting Event/Paint Your Own Pallet Board Night
18) Family Photo Shoot
19) Baking/Cooking Class
20) Dance Lessons

Will everyone remember every gift they got this year? Probably not. But they’ll remember laughing their way through an escape room, singing at the top of their lungs at a concert or spending a Saturday learning how to make homemade pasta. Those are the kinds of gifts that last.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy New Year, as little family drama as possible and a whole lot more memories than Amazon boxes.

The post Surviving the holidays is truly a miracle appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Many will say that much like a misplaced dildo (Armadillo on the Dildo?) the Elf has become an unexpected pain in the ass.  Take a quick browse on any facebook mom’s group and you’ll find that the one thing they can all agree on is that they should have never started this tradition. If they had to do it over again they would have told their kids their Elf moved to Sweden and joined an ABBA tribute band.

God help us if you forget to move the damn thing one night and now you spend the next day rationalizing why a toy has not moved around the house…here’s a few suggestions

“Maybe if you were a better listener he would have moved”

“If you did better on that Math test then maybe the Elf would would love you more”

“Maybe if grandma wasn’t so controlling and approved of my parenting style then the fucking doll wouldn’t have sat there like a lump of shitty plastic silently judging me as I tried to balance my work life, my home life, menopause, being jealous of Gwen’s new Tesla, the fact that Big Bang Theory was cancelled…” wait, where was I going with this??

If you’re a normal mom like me then you may have read these three suggestions and said “ hmmm…that sounds about right”. Unless of course you are GWEN…little Mrs. Perfect.  We all have a Gwen in our lives.  Perfect lawn, perfect lighting in her Instagram posts, perfect life, perfect everything. I  HATE HER because I’m jealous and that make me hate her even more (Gwen bangs three businessmen?)

So for all of us non-GWEN’s, I like to call us real-moms (Mamas in Pajamas?) I raise my well-deserved wine glass to you and offer you my help. There are plenty of sites to give you cute little kid-friendly ideas of what to do with you Elf, but you ain’t never seen a site like me before.

Maybe you get an Elf on the Shelf just for you and your husband and create these pics or better yet, you have your fun with the Elf yourself and you just make him watch.  However you choose to pleasure yours(elf) make sure you tag us at Living Clean and Dirty when you post them on social media so we can admire and praise (and obviously judge) your work.

As far as I’m concerned, if all the Chucky movies were rated R, then why should the exploits of a self-aware Christmas-themed doll who is supposed to have his own adventures be any different. Right click on the calendar below, save the image and print it out for yourself, hang that shit up proudly on the fridge (or better yet, in the closet where you hide the booze)…why should the kids have all of the fun?  Leave the “classy” for someone else and may all of your Elf adventures be filthy.

Happy Holidays
Ho-Ho-Ho

The post What a doll! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.