1. Make a List and Check It Twice:

Before you get caught up in the holiday shopping tornado, plan your attack. Make a list of killer gifts that are not just thoughtful but also Eco-conscious. Have you ever gone food shopping without a list? You know you end up buying tons of stuff you don’t need, but if you keep to a list you’re going to save money and buy only what you use.

2. Support Local Hustles:

Forget the big-box madness. Hit up the local markets, craft fairs, and boutiques. Supporting local businesses helps your community, fellow local humans and shrinks your carbon footprint. Double win! If there’s nothing that interests you locally, check out sellers on Etsy or online small businesses – you still may be shipping items to you but at least you’re supporting small businesses and getting really unique gifts.

3. Choose Products That Are the Real MVPs:

Opt for gifts made from sustainable materials. Think organic, think reusable, think stuff that won’t end up haunting landfills for centuries. Your gifts should be as long-lasting as your Aunt Karen’s fruitcake (but way more desirable). This is where you may spend more money but it will save you money in the long run. Buy quality items that will last.

4. Get Crafty with DIY Magic:

Unleash your inner crafting wizard. DIY gifts are not just about saving cash; they’re about creating something unique and lowering the environmental impact. Plus, it’s a legit excuse to get glitter everywhere. This year I had leftover material from a project that I had no use for so I created throw pillows for my kids. They loved them, and since I’m not a pro and there were seams – my kids said the “imperfections made it more perfect”. My oldest daughter took a knitting class in college (I know, I know, it sounds like the new underwater basket-weaving but she loved it) and now made everyone’s scarves and hats for the holidays. Check out my red penis scarf – it’s my favorite gift!

5. Experiences Over Things:

Gift memories, not just things. Concert tickets, museums, spa days, or a virtual escape room – experiences beat material possessions any day of the week. My daughter cannot tell you what doll or game I bought her for the holidays 5 years ago, but she remembers the ice skating lessons we got for her. We even got the whole family involved that year when her grandma bought her a new pair of ice skates. We celebrated our other daughter’s birthday with a Broadway show and a day in NYC. Less stuff, more memories. It’s the way to go.

6. Wrap It Up, Green Style:

Ditch the boring wrapping paper and get imaginative. Use recycled paper, fabric scraps, or repurpose old newspapers or maps. And hey, reusable gift wraps like scarves or tote bags? Double the gift, zero the waste.

7. Eco-Friendly Holiday Cards:

Send e-cards or pick cards made from recycled materials. Or, how about going digital and sending a video message? Because why waste paper when you can be a video star? My favorite holidays gifts from my kids were when they wrote me letters – years later when I need a little pick-me-up I still read them.

Those are my Lucky 7 Eco-friendly suggestions. Stay tuned because I don’t live on Mars and know that you’re going to buy some stuff for the holidays so watch out for my holiday shopping guide coming to a computer screen near you. Together, we CAN celebrate the season without trashing the planet. Cheers to a dirty, clean holiday season! 🌍🎁 #DirtyCleanHolidays #SustainableCelebrations #LivingCleanAndDirty

The post Dirty Santa, Clean Earth: Navigating Eco-Friendly Holidays Like a Pro appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Yup, they’re all a thing, but if you’re a die hard, dark green eco-warrior like me you don’t care because every day is a celebration of the big blue and green mama. In this house it’s AEAYR (All Earth All Year Round), but this time of the year is definitely my favorite. Spring is springing, the flowers and gardens are blooming, and this is when everyone pays a little extra attention to the Earth.

So without further ado (or “a-dew” if you tend to be a bit punny) it’s time to send out the email with all my favorite companies that are celebrating Mama Earth with some awesome specials and discount, it’s my way to help out the green and save you some green at the same time. Feel free to check out last year’s Earth Day article HERE, which was chock full of companies that in my opinion were very AEAYR-worthy.

This year I’m doing my best to live a more minimalistic life and buying less, and I wanted to share with you 20 ways to celebrate that cost either no money or very little. I am forever grateful for all of you…my amazing, fantastic readers and I try to give you links when I can but since you live all over the world I suggest you use your favorite, trusty search engine to find places near you (Ask Jeeves isn’t going to work for everyone). There’s also a TON of great non-profit organizations that are doing fantastic work so I urged you to go local.

For 2023 I’m taking a more minimalistic path, but it’s still paved a lovely shade of green. Won’t you join me?

Some of the links in the post are affiliate links. For more information see my disclosure policy.

1. Donate gently used clothes you don’t wear or have outgrown to a local organization. Many have bins so you can easily drop them off.
2. Participate in a beach/park/town cleanup.
3. Check out your local farmers market, support local businesses and reduce your carbon footprint.
4. Check out your local library and sign up for a card. Libraries have ditched the confusing card catalog and offer so much more now, even online. Mine offers movies, events, and even free tickets to local museums saving me money.
5. This is it! This is the year you’re going to turn off lights when you’re not in the room, turn off the water while brushing your teeth and only run the washing machine and dishwasher when it’s full.
6. Clean out one junk drawer.
7. Get outside and take a walk or ride your bike. Want a great idea to get walking every day? Find a local animal shelter and donate your time to walk a dog. Great way to keep yourself accountable to walking every day and you get time in the great outdoors. And if you’re already a pet-parent then take them on an extra walk, you’ll both appreciate it.
8. Start composting.
9. Plant a small food garden, herb garden or join a community garden. You don’t need a lot of space. I grew herbs in small planters when I lived in an apartment in Brooklyn and I have friends who grow veggies in planters/pots.
10. Pledge to say no to plastic straws. Use stainless steel straws (be sure to keep them clean) for lemony drinks to save the enamel on your teeth.
11. Regrow kitchen scraps. Click HERE to see how.
12. Make a pledge not to buy anything you don’t NEED for a month.
13. Eat less meat. Try Meatless Monday – there’s tons of great recipes. I love everything from Nora Cooks and first tried meatless meals with the help of Lisa Project Vegan.
14. Unplug your electronics when you’re not using them. Phantom electricity is a real thing.
15. Go paperless. Pay your bills online.
16. Sell your unwanted items on Ebay, Craigslist, Facebook Marketplace, Poshmark.
17. Call catalog companies that you don’t use to stop sending them to you. Click HERE if you live in the US and want to stop junk mail.
18. Sign a petition on the Earth Day website.
19. Lower your heat by 1-2 degrees. Raise your air conditioning by 1-2 degrees. You won’t even notice it.
20. Plant a tree with The Canopy Project for as little as $1.

The post Happy Earth Day 2023 appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Here are some of the parks and trails on Long Island that I recommend:

• Belmont Lake State Park – There are 7.6 miles of trails throughout the park, available for hiking, walking, biking, nature observation, and cross-country skiing.
• Bethpage Bikeway – The 13.4 miles of paved trail runs adjacent to suburban roads, and the trail is broken up by 3 parks along the route: Trail View State Park, Bethpage State Park, and Massapequa Preserve.
• Caumsett State Park – This park is situated on a scenic peninsula extending into Long Island Sound, and offers miles of bridle paths, walking, jogging, hiking, biking, cross-country skiing and nature trails over acres of woodland, meadows, rock shoreline and salt marsh.
• Eisenhower Park – Located in the heart of Nassau County, here you can enjoy an easy 3.4-mile loop trail that surrounds the lake.
• Ellen Farrant Memorial Bikeway – This is a 5.5-mile asphalt trail that is a relatively straight and flat path, curving around trees here and there. This path can get quite windy and there is little shade, so it’s best to check the weather before you go.
• EPCAL Alternative Transportation Path – The experience along this 8.5-mile paved pathway is scenic with a few gradual inclines.
• Heckscher State Park – 4 miles of paved, multi-use trails attract bicycle riders, walkers, and nature lovers. You’ll be able to enjoy stunning views of the Great South Bay with Fire Island as the backdrop, and quite possibly a variety of wildlife such as whitetail deer and a variety of birds.
• Hempstead Lake State Park – This 3.1-mile loop trail is a popular trail for mountain biking, road biking, and running.
• Jones Beach Boardwalk – The 4-mile pathway offers views of the beach and the ocean. Although bicycles are permitted, pedestrians have the right of way and bicyclists should dismount in crowded areas.
• Kings Park Hike and Bike Trail – This 1.5-mile paved trail follows an abandoned railroad corridor. About half the trail is nicely shaded, making this a good choice even in warmer weather.
• Long Beach Boardwalk – As boardwalks go, this is an easy 4.3-mile out-and-back trail.
• Nassau Expressway – This is a great trail for beginners, as it’s nice and flat and just under a mile in length.
• Ocean Parkway Coastal Greenway – This paved 13.7-mile path begins where the Ellen Farrant Memorial Bikeway ends. As you ride, the vegetation flattens out in places, opening up views of the marshland beyond.
• Setauket-Port Jefferson Station Greenway Trail – This trail stretches just over 3 miles along Long Island’s north shore, and ties together scenic old-growth forest, farmland, meadows, business districts, the Stony Brook University campus, and county parks.
• Sunken Meadow State Park – Offering one of the most stunning views of the Long Island Sound with Connecticut in the distance, this 3.7-mile loop trail is open year round.
• Valley Stream State Park – Here you will find a 1.5-mile partially-paved loop trail surrounded by a wooded area.
• Wildwood State Park – This 3.2-mile loop trail will take you up to the bluffs where you will find an awesome view of Long Island Sound.

For the most comprehensive list check out the Long Island Bikeways and Trailways Map from the New York State Department of Transportation.

The post My Favorite Bike Trails on Long Island appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Fast forward almost 3 decades later and all of my friends started having kids.  The next handful of years were a blur of gift cards and things bought off of registries, but I was still never able to top that original personalized gift. Sure I could do another photo album or a snow globe or something else that will just end up in a drawer but I needed a fresh idea.

Let me introduce you to my new go-to gift source. PlantPoweredWoodWorks. Specializing in personalized wooden signs, plaques, dog leash holders and so much more, I’ll never look elsewhere for a unique gift again. Now…full disclosure, “he” also happens to be my husband. He had always been a creative guy and works in a creative field, but during the pandemic he turned his hobby into a side hustle and the orders have been steadily coming in and so have the positive reviews.

His contact info is below, and if you mention that you heard about him from Living Clean and Dirty he’s offering 10% off. He’ll also add an additional discount if you refer someone to him and they make a purchase. Did I also mention that with every purchase of a personalized dog leash holder he’ll donate a portion of the cost to a local animal rescue (we’re rescue dog parents so that’s a no-brainer for us). And did I mention that you’d be supporting an Air Force veteran? Yup, that’s my fella.

He’s so creative and has a wonderful eye for details. I can honestly tell you, and would tell him, I’m his biggest fan but also an honest critic. If his creations looked like they were done by a drunk toddler then I would tell him to just keep the woodworking as a hobby, but honestly his work is amazing, judge for yourself.

Feel free to reach out to him (or even me) and get something special for someone special today.

The post The Gift of Wood…it’s not just for beavers appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Well, have you heard the one that starts with “A woman walks into a room…”? Because if I’m the woman, then half the time I have no idea why I walked into the room in the first place. I’m a smart girl, drink plenty of water, eat right, get my rest and keep my stress low, but dammit my memory is CRAP!

Pick a room in my house and I’ve actually whispered aloud “why did I come in here” at least a dozen times in each of them.

20 years ago I blamed it on Mommy-Brain, but I think now there’s another “M” at play.

Mumps? Measles? Mad Cow disease?

Nope, according to the calendar I have arrived at Menopause station. All aboard…next stops are  vaginal dryness, night sweats and wait for it…memory problems.

Let’s put all the other symptoms to the side for now and focus on the hunk of Swiss Cheese I now refer to as my memory.  I actually stop in the middle of doing stuff because I can’t remember why I started doing it in the first place. Sometimes I will be mid-sentence and then all of a sudden it’s gone. And as far as people’s names go, I would definitely have an easier time if everyone in my life wore nametags or just responded warmly to “Hey…you”

You know how your phone fills up with pictures, videos, test messages until things stop working correctly until you start deleting and making some space? I’m convinced my brain also has a tiny little memory card that can hold only a certain number of things and then it drops one to add one.

• If I remember your name, I’ll forget my address.
• If I remember to do the laundry, I’ll forget to pick the kids up at school.
• If I remember to stop at the store for bread, I risk forgetting to take my pants off before I start peeing.

You get the idea…it’s awful. Why do women have to get it? I know men have something similar but for crying out loud it says MEN right in the name!!!

Since I can’t remember what I ate for lunch, it’s not a stretch to figure that I’m not going to remember all the day-to-day experiences I had with my family this past year. Even in the year of Covid, we still managed to laugh, to cry and even had an adventure or two.  I never want to forget family movie nights watching “old” movies like Sixteen Candles, Protocol, Jaws, Rocky Horror Picture Show, or my favorite Alien (a little slow but still holds up and Sigourney Weaver is a total bad ass at any age, although my girls knew her as the Ghostbusters lady – another family movie night classic). We visited Old Westbury Gardens for their Shimmering Solstice light show. I bought a Tesla, we went to a wedding and I grew closer to a cousin I barely knew. This was also the year I experienced my older daughter’s first driving lesson (part of me wouldn’t mind forgetting that). I watched my husband receive 2 Emmy’s for his incredible work in television. And who wouldn’t want to forget the look on my older daughter’s face during her first driving lesson. I, on the other hand, have been trying very hard to forget it.

I want to remember all of it, the good and the bad. Menopause may have given me sore boobs and taken away my ability to have a good night’s sleep but my memories are off limits.  My hubby is constantly telling me we need to back up our phones so we don’t lose anything, so I decided to take that a step further. So before my Hard Drive became a Floppy Disk I came up with a plan.

Enter the memory jar. When I first read about this idea, my post menopausal brain did a happy dance. This is the perfect way to fill in all the blank spaces and a fun thing to do with my family that costs no money. The value is in the experience, not the purchases my dear readers.

We keep a jar on the kitchen table (it’s a thick glass square jar that I think held flowers at my wedding 20 years ago. But with my memory, I may have shoplifted it from Home Goods last week…who knows?) and every time someone feels inclined to share a moment (good or bad) they write it down on a piece of paper and add it to the jar. It’s like a time capsule but without all the burial dirt, thanks to our dogs Han and Leia there is never a shortage of dirt in the house already.

Then on New Year’s Eve we dump out the papers and read them out loud. It’s fun because even the rest of my family who aren’t in menopause forget about this stuff too. So whether you are reading this in January, July or November it’s never too late to start backing up your memories and preparing a fun surprise for the whole family on New Year’s Eve. When you’re done reminiscing keep the strips of paper in a box, scrapbook, display it all in a shadow box, shred it, or compost the paper. It’s a fun way to remember all the moments, big and small, that you share as a family and then the next New Year’s Day you start again.

If your family is like mine they embraced the idea right from the start.

• “Do we have to. I hate to write.”
• “Why do I have to do this? I remember everything just fine.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid.”

But it never fails, after we read through the whole jar they are singing a different tune.

• “This was so much fun, I’m glad we did this.”
• “Thanks mom, that was a great idea.”
• “I don’t have menopause. This is stupid, but I guess it was fun.”

I hold back my “I told you so” and my “I knew you would have fun” and just silently gloat like a good mom. Getting older isn’t awesome, I’m still HOT but it just comes in flashes now and I may find myself in the garage holding a spatula and a bottle of nail polish trying to figure out what the original plan was. Our memories and experiences are how we document this journey and in many ways it’s the best part. Looking back at those experiences with my family and reliving them as we prepare for a brand new year is my favorite “M”…Magnificent.

The post Was I writing about menopause? I can’t remember. appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

But…there’s one song that always makes me sing along (out of key) and get up and move (usually like Carlton from the Fresh Prince). We always called it “The September Song”.

Do you remember, 21st night of September?

Love was changing the mind of pretenders

While chasing the clouds away

 That’s right, my go-to jam (which no wedding is complete without) is September by Earth Wind and Fire. Sure, it’s not Piano Man or Captain Jack, but I might just love it the most.  September was always my favorite month for a number of reasons. It was my birthday month (where my Libras at?!), all my TV shows came back, school started up again (super-nerd), and fall clothes shopping was the highlight of the year for me. I always hated the heat, never worshipped the sun, and my Sassoon jeans and Benetton sweater collection was on point.

But now that I’m older, I’ve cut the cable-cord and watch Netflix and Hulu whenever I want, school shopping has become dragging 2 complaining kids from store to store, and September is the dreaded month where my heating bills may start up again.  In short, September has lost some of its luster for me.

So, without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to my new favorite month…April. Why April?  Is it the sunshine? Seasonal allergies? Start of baseball season?

Nope! It’s Earth Month.

Come on, how long have you all been reading my blog?  You knew Earth Day was coming at some point!

So as you may already know, Earth Day is April 22^nd, but thankfully with all the renewed interest in climate change one day has turned into a MONTH-LONG quest to kick people in the ass to make changes to help heal Mother Earth.

Earth Day in my house is a huge deal all year round, but in April we go BIG.

• One year was putting 47 glorious, heat loving, solar panels on our roof.
• Another year, I said goodbye to my gas guzzling SUV and got a hybrid (twice).
• Another year was the birth of my raised organic food garden.
• Another year we got a rain barrel.

Sure, radical BIG changes are great, but lots of little changes are great too. One person putting solar panels on their roof is certainly awesome, but thousands of people turning off the lights when they leave a room can have an even bigger impact. One thing I’ve always taught my girls is sometimes a little bit of effort can do more than spending a lot of money.  Little changes can make a big impact when we all work together.

So this April, I’m posting super short Facebook and Instagram videos (no singing, I promise) each day giving you ideas on how you can SAVE MONEY while SAVING THE PLANET. I tend to be a little wordy, so these are short enough to watch while you’re waiting for your coffee to brew.

Make sure you stop by each day this month for your daily tip and later this month learn what I’m doing for Mother Earth this year (hint: it’s HUGE!!)

So while I still love me some Earth, Wind and Fire…right now it’s just about the Earth. My gift to you is a month of tips to help the Earth and to help yourself. And maybe you won’t remember the 21^st night of September, but it’s my job to make damn sure you remember the 22^nd day of April.

The post Goodbye September…Helloooooo April! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Many will say that much like a misplaced dildo (Armadillo on the Dildo?) the Elf has become an unexpected pain in the ass.  Take a quick browse on any facebook mom’s group and you’ll find that the one thing they can all agree on is that they should have never started this tradition. If they had to do it over again they would have told their kids their Elf moved to Sweden and joined an ABBA tribute band.

God help us if you forget to move the damn thing one night and now you spend the next day rationalizing why a toy has not moved around the house…here’s a few suggestions

“Maybe if you were a better listener he would have moved”

“If you did better on that Math test then maybe the Elf would would love you more”

“Maybe if grandma wasn’t so controlling and approved of my parenting style then the fucking doll wouldn’t have sat there like a lump of shitty plastic silently judging me as I tried to balance my work life, my home life, menopause, being jealous of Gwen’s new Tesla, the fact that Big Bang Theory was cancelled…” wait, where was I going with this??

If you’re a normal mom like me then you may have read these three suggestions and said “ hmmm…that sounds about right”. Unless of course you are GWEN…little Mrs. Perfect.  We all have a Gwen in our lives.  Perfect lawn, perfect lighting in her Instagram posts, perfect life, perfect everything. I  HATE HER because I’m jealous and that make me hate her even more (Gwen bangs three businessmen?)

So for all of us non-GWEN’s, I like to call us real-moms (Mamas in Pajamas?) I raise my well-deserved wine glass to you and offer you my help. There are plenty of sites to give you cute little kid-friendly ideas of what to do with you Elf, but you ain’t never seen a site like me before.

Maybe you get an Elf on the Shelf just for you and your husband and create these pics or better yet, you have your fun with the Elf yourself and you just make him watch.  However you choose to pleasure yours(elf) make sure you tag us at Living Clean and Dirty when you post them on social media so we can admire and praise (and obviously judge) your work.

As far as I’m concerned, if all the Chucky movies were rated R, then why should the exploits of a self-aware Christmas-themed doll who is supposed to have his own adventures be any different. Right click on the calendar below, save the image and print it out for yourself, hang that shit up proudly on the fridge (or better yet, in the closet where you hide the booze)…why should the kids have all of the fun?  Leave the “classy” for someone else and may all of your Elf adventures be filthy.

Happy Holidays
Ho-Ho-Ho

The post What a doll! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

“Don’t be a Dick” – Ghandi
“Send Nudes, Not Hate” – Thomas Jefferson
“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope” – Sun Tzu

And my favorite…
“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet” – Abe Lincoln

Recently I came across what seems like a real quote on the internet and I’m running with it.
“The ugliest thing I have ever seen, is a human being without compassion” – H. Milne

Henri Milne was a French Zoologist in the 1800s. He wrote papers for the French Academy of Sciences and in his career named 5 new species of lizards. If he did actually say this then I think he hit the nail on the head. If it was someone else who said it and you know who it was then let me know, otherwise the credit is going to Henri. #VIVALAHENRI

Translated into 2019-speak…without compassion, you’re fucked.

My family has a Thanksgiving tradition that has helped my girls grow to be compassionate young women. When they were very little, I talked about what compassion means, how to be compassionate and how to show compassion. Mind you this was sprinkled into their daily diet of Dora the Explorer, Handy Manny, chasing the dog around the house and pulling all the labels off of our canned food. So needless to say, I wasn’t really expecting a speech about morality and empathy to keep their attention. To be fair, even to an adult it’s a really tough concept to explain. So I switched gears and instead of talking about compassion, I decided to show them what compassion looks like in our daily lives.

My husband and I wanted to find specific things we could do together as a family that would be fun and engaging for our young children. If I’m being truly honest, when my kids were little if I could find an activity for the family that didn’t require us all leaving the house, that was a win in my book. So one chilly November many years ago we started to “adopt” a turkey for Thanksgiving. Living in a suburban area I obviously wasn’t going to find one and take one home, although there is something mesmerizing about a creature that looks like its scrotum is hanging off its face.

For many years now, we all gather around the computer and show a little compassion that any 19^th century Zoologist would be proud of.  We each pick our own turkey (right online) and someone else cares for our “new member of the family” who is enjoying their life on the farm and not on someone’s dinner table.

After lots of research, I found Farm Sanctuary which operates a 275 acre sanctuary in Watkins Glen, New York and a 26 acre sanctuary in Los Angeles, California. They rescue, rehabilitate and provide care for hundreds of animals who were rescued from stockyards, factory farms and slaughterhouses. Each year, we go to their website and pick our turkey from the pictures and bios they provide. This year my daughter with a soft spot for “Frozen” is adopting Elsa and my musical daughter chose Hank Williams. My hubby wanted to adopt Pamela “The Lover” because he said she was the hot one. After I reminded him that jokes like that won’t be doing him any favors in the bedroom he reconsidered and agreed to adopt the whole flock.

Compassion isn’t always about writing a check or the subject of a silly meme…it’s a state of mind. Compassion is a verb. Kindness, caring and a willingness to help others should be something we all should be teaching and learning every day.

I’m going to leave you with 3 final quotes that I think sums it all up.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama

“Compassion is the chief law of human existence.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Living Clean and Dirty is my favorite website and newsletter.  You’d be an idiot not to subscribe” – Helen Keller

The post Compassion Is In Fashion appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

When it comes to parenting, my husband has a primary goal. “It’s our job as parents to teach you how to exist in society”. I personally think keeping them out of the adult film industry should rank slightly higher but I get where he’s coming from. All the life lessons we struggled through to get where we are now are the greatest gifts we can give to our children. Sure, there’s plenty they have to experience on their own but any leg up we can give them, in my opinion, is worth it. Now to be fair, just like 80s fashion choices you can’t have the good without some of the bad (acid wash jeans, really?). They certainly pick up our bad habits and “colorful” language but hopefully they pick up more of what we have to offer that’s, let’s say, “socially appropriate”.

As a mom I think for the most part I have my shit together. Oh don’t get me wrong, I get frustrated and lose it just like the next sleep-deprived mom out there. I’ve mouthed the words “Karma’s going to get you someday” when my kid’s back was turned but I try to keep my mini meltdowns on the DL. As an avid yoga fan, when one of my kids start pushing all the wrong buttons I remind myself to breathe. My yoga instructor calls it “Take 5”. Five breaths in and 5 breaths out – to the count of 5. It calms my inner demon and probably keeps Child Services out of my house. Five In Five Out…FIFO.

While both of my kids present hubby and me with unique challenges, it’s my younger daughter who definitely needs more “managing”.   Her spirit animal is apparently the Hulk and honestly if she was born first she would probably be an only child.   I love her to the moon and back, but sometimes I want to move to the moon just to get a break from her.

They say patience is a virtue, they also say cleanliness is a virtue and she doesn’t have that one either. She will go from zero to frustrated almost instantly and change from Norman Rockwell to Norman Bates. How could such a cute little girl turn into such a witch? My first thought obviously was to blame myself. Did I scream too much in childbirth? Was I demanding too much? Is this how Hitler’s mother felt? She would literally blow her stack right in front of me. I tried ignoring her screaming meltdowns watching in horror expecting her head to spin around and vomit pea soup…that didn’t help. I’ve taken away her iPad and her computer…that didn’t help either. I took away every single stuffed animal and toy in her room, but then guiltily left her one to sleep with. She brought it into my bedroom, threw it on the floor and said “you forgot one” (true story)…so obviously none of this was working. To make things worse, her temper was becoming contagious and was turning me into a banshee where I would start screaming back at her. Five In Five Out…FIFO was the only thing that kept me sane.

Nothing was working and although my good natured mommy friends assured me this was just a stage, I knew that I couldn’t listen to this shit for years or worse…let it continue and have a teenaged Attila the Hun under my roof. My only saving grace was that she just did it for an audience of one…me. No one else knew my dark little secret…”Hi, my name is Ellen and I am the worst mother in existence”.

As some of you unfortunately know all the words to this familiar song, this started to change. Her inner-Hulk started to reveal itself on playdates and at school. To be fair she wasn’t a nuclear meltdown 24/7, but when she did pop she popped big. The stares, the begging (from me) and then I got the dreaded phone call… her teacher wanted to have a meeting with my husband and me. I figured we weren’t walking in to an award ceremony for “Best Parents Ever” but you can always hope (I made room on the mantle just in case we were taking home some kind of trophy, but I think you see where this is going).   Apparently she becomes so frustrated in school at the other kids, she will scream at them until they burst into tears. Now mind you, she wasn’t a sociopath, meaning she didn’t smile while they cried, she felt bad but just couldn’t control it. I sat there and patiently listened to her teacher ask if there were problems at home or any life changes which could be affecting her, to which there were none. My only thoughts were “I’m failing…worst parent ever”. Five In Five Out…FIFO

Now back to me…I’m not a screamer but I get overwhelmed like everyone else and I’m grateful for my yoga outlet and what it teaches me, Five In Five Out…FIFO. I’m taking care of me, my hubby, my mom, two kids and two doggies and there’s just not enough hours in the day. I want to scream bloody murder and lose my shit too, but I don’t (well, mostly). I’ve learned that when life gives you lemons there isn’t always an opportunity to make lemonade.   Sometimes life takes those lemons and squirts you in the eyes and rubs them in your cuts. You have to keep your shit together and keep on living. It all sounds great, right? If only life was as easy as some blogger makes it out to be. My life isn’t perfect and neither is my daughter’s…neither is anyone’s. Most of the bad shit in life is out of our control and the only thing we can do is choose how we react to it. I recently started teaching “little Attila” that nope…life isn’t fair and hell is other people. Like her dad constantly points out to them, you need to be able to function in society even when society sucks.

I’ve started bringing my little rage monster into the FIFO fold and we’ve seen a dramatic change for the better. She’s starting to recognize when things are making her frustrated and before it gets out of hand she starts to calm herself down.   I’ve seen her in mid-conversation with her sister; she stops, closes her eyes and start deep breathing.

As happy endings go (no hubby, not that kind) this sounds like a great one. I’d love to tell you that she has completely changed her ways and turned into a shining beacon of joy and happiness. As Americans we love our stories to have happy endings where all the problems are solved, the hero wins and the villain has been defeated. Unfortunately in real life sometimes the definition of a win is no one ended up in the hospital and the cops were not at my house.

My little short-fused firecracker has certainly mellowed out when she reached double digits (almost in time for teen-dom, hooray!). She practices her FIFO and the meetings with her teachers are now more focused on her love for history and her disdain for math. While definitely not at a helicopter-mom level I still keep one Bionic Woman ear on her play dates, and I’m happy to share that she is growing into a conscientious and thoughtful young woman. I’m sure, like anyone else, she’ll have her outbursts and meltdowns and that’s OK.   My hubby says “that’s just the cost of doing business”. I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, but he says it with such an air of wisdom that I just nod and smile (hey what can I say…he’s pretty).

I look forward to a long life filled with offering unrequested pearls of wisdom and nuggets of advice to my girls. Late night talks about a broken heart over a quart of ice cream, helping fill out college applications and reassuring a hormonal pregnant mom-to-be that she’s going to do just fine…these are all hopefully in my future. As parents we have a lot to teach our kids and as a mom of girls I feel like I have a specific responsibility in raising these potential leaders of tomorrow. The benefits of teaching both of my kids about FIFO is twofold. I’m helping them develop the coping mechanisms they’ll need throughout their lives as well as practicing myself which I think makes me a better mom and gets us all a little closer to our Happy Ending (that one’s for you hubby).

Five In Five Out…FIFO

The post The Nuclear (meltdown) Family appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I’ve had some doozies.

• Eat more kale.
• Eat fewer desserts.
• Perfect my Daffy Duck impersonation.
• Declare myself a pirate on my tax return.
• Slay my enemies.
• You know…the usual.

When I hit my mid-thirties (for about the tenth time), I gave up on New Year’s resolutions and started declaring each year my “Year Of…”

My first was the Year of Fear.

Instead of making promises I knew I’d break, I decided to spend an entire year saying yes to things that scared me. Nothing crazy. I wasn’t wrestling alligators or jumping out of airplanes. I started with things like parallel parking and buying a pair of long, dangling earrings because I’d always convinced myself they weren’t “me.”

Eventually I worked my way up to public speaking at my daughter’s elementary school graduation, jumping off a cliff into a swimming hole, trying a trapeze and riding a trail bike down the side of a mountain.

That last one wasn’t my finest decision. I broke my shoulder in two places.

Live and learn.

The next year became my Year of Me.

Not in a selfish way.

In a healthy way.

I started saying no to PTA committees I didn’t actually want to join. I stopped feeling obligated to attend every family event simply because I was expected to. I started reading books again, knitting some truly ugly scarves and slowly removing toxic people from my life.

Don’t get me wrong. I still emptied the dishwasher, went to doctor’s appointments and handled all the things adulthood requires.

I just stopped putting myself at the bottom of every list.

So here we are, hip deep into 2018, my third year of YO. I’ve learned to embrace my fears and put myself as a priority so when you mesh the two together you obviously get the Year of No Fucks Given. Let me explain…I’m tired, obviously as a mom I’m sleep-deprived but I’m talking about being TIRED. I’m TIRED of always doing the right thing, TIRED of being the bigger person and I’m sure as shit positively EXHAUSTED by not sticking up for myself at the risk of someone else’s feelings.

So here’s a little slice of my 2018…there’s a guy I know and he’s super creepy. And by creepy I mean if I was to hear that 20 dead hookers were found in this guy’s basement my first thought would be “hmmm…thought the number would have been higher”. He’s also got a little Family Feud era Richard Dawson in him and likes to kiss hello every female in his path. It doesn’t matter who it is…85 year old grandma, the cashier at the bagel store, young hot mom in Kohls and especially a hot ticket like me. To make matters worse, when he goes in for the kill he turns his head trying to plant one on the mouth (ugh, it’s just as horrifying as it sounds).

So for years I’ve been enduring the sleazy cheek-kiss, I got wise to the head turn early on and compensated for it. I would change my route so I didn’t run into him, some women have feigned a cold and other women have pretended to be on the phone when they saw him…but no one ever stopped him, no one ever told him no. Now, you can pass judgement and say “Oh I’d never”, well if I was sitting at my computer braless in a pair of 4 day old pajamas I’d say the same thing. The first few times you’re caught off guard and then it just becomes too awkward of a situation so you just put up with it. As women, I think a lot of us were raised to take the figurative “hit” before we made another person uncomfortable.

• “You can’t say that, you’ll hurt his feelings”,
• “Oh there’s no sense in making a scene, he doesn’t mean anything by it”
• “I know he’s a little creepy, but he’s your uncle so just go give him a hug.”

I’m here 24/7 busting my ass trying to raise 2 warrior daughters and I don’t feel comfortable telling some low-budget lothario to keep his mouth off of me? There’s only one mouth I want anywhere near me and it sure as shit wasn’t this guy’s. So in my Year of No Fucks Given I decided that awkward or not, this shit had to end. The next time I saw him, he leaned in for the attack and I put my hand up in front of my face and said, “Please stop, the kissing makes me uncomfortable. Just say hello”. He looked shocked but then accepted his fate. This public kissing booth was officially closed.

And that was it.

Years of women changing direction when they saw him. Years of awkwardness. Years of silently tolerating something none of us liked. It ended with one sentence.

Maybe that’s what my Year of No Fucks Given is really about. It’s not about being rude, selfish or impossible to get along with. It’s about finally understanding that protecting your own boundaries isn’t something you should ever apologize for.

Late last year I declared that 2018 was going to be the year I really poured myself into Living Clean and Dirty. Like a lot of resolutions, life had other plans. But there’s still plenty of 2018 left, plenty of stories to tell and plenty of opportunities to keep becoming a better version of myself. I’m still here, still fighting the good fight and still trying to figure it all out right alongside you.

And for any haters out there who would like to break my balls about not posting enough new material this year, please write me at my new imaginary email address None@Fucksgiven.com

The post I’ve Got None Left to Give appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.