Greening up his cleaning habits

When I began changing our personal care products so we bought only cruelty-free my hubby made three requests.  I have to give the guy credit, to the average bear I’m getting into some pretty weird shit here.  I would say that he rubbed his lamp and Ellen the green genie popped out to grant him his three wishes, but this would probably entail a Barbara Eden (look it up) costume and a techno version of the Aladdin soundtrack.  That would be way too much prep and require some sort of movement, but the rubbing might be doable.  But I digress…let’s break these down one by one.

First, don’t touch his soap.   I already knew this was coming, so I did what any smart woman would do…I kept his shit next to my shit and made it HIS idea to switch.  My hubby LOVED a certain green soap he’d been using since long before we met.  My friend and I were talking about this and she told me her hubby was also a fan, must be a dude thing.  So I put my soap next to his (imagine a Prius parked next to a Hummer.  heh…hummer) and sure enough, when his soap was running low he picked up my organic, locally made soap (not by me – I just don’t have that kind of time and I’ve never seen Fight Club) and LOVED it.  Goodbye red-headed kilt-wearing whistling green soap and hello deep sea mud.  A disclaimer about my hand-crafted-a-few-towns-away-from-me soap:  it’s not cheaper than what you find on the shelves, but I care what goes on that man’s body (preferably me).  I found the soap I use at a local farmer’s market and contacted the woman who actually made it.  We agreed that if I bought it in bulk, she would sell it to me for almost half the price.  Now, every few months we meet in parking lots around our town for a “soap drop” (Mark, please…that’s too easy).  If you can’t find your own “soap dealer” there are some awesome companies that make soap without all the chemicals and fragrances.  I started my switch with Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap but you can check the Environmental Working Group’s Safe Cosmetics Database (www.ewg.org) to see all the toxin free alternatives.

Wife 1 – Hubby 0

Second, don’t touch his toothpaste.  OK, here’s what is actually printed on his tube of toothpaste and probably on some of yours:  “Keep out of reach of children under 6 years of age.  If you accidentally swallow more than used for brushing, get medical help or contact a Poison Control Center right away.”

You’re fucking kidding me right?  Who the hell hasn’t accidentally swallowed some of this crap?  Before I switched my kids over to my toothpaste they probably swallowed so much of it over the years if you squeezed them too hard it’s going to squirt out of their butts.  Why would I let his mouth that I love so much purposely put something so foul in it? (come on, the site is called clean and DIRTY…sorry mom).  The only time we should be looking up the number for poison control is around the holidays when somebody brings a fruit cake over.  Poison toothpaste…awesome.  Let’s move past the whole poison aspect and let me cry bullshit on fluoride.  I’m not a scientist or a doctor so do your own research but I’ve read a ton of articles and fluoride helping your teeth is a myth up there with Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the male multiple orgasm.  So the first thing I look for is a fluoride-free toothpaste.  I must have tried 5 different ones until I found one I thought didn’t taste like shit, not that I’ve ever eaten shit but you get the idea.  When I found the brand I liked, my hubby didn’t and stuck with his triple-protection poison paste.  Like Noah’s bathroom vanity for a while there were two different bars of soap and two different tubes of toothpaste and life went on.  The next time he started running low I bought a new flavor and switched it on him one morning when he was running late for work…and then I hid downstairs away from his cries of confusion.  Fast forward a week or so and we’re both brushing healthier and sharing my toothpaste (but not toothbrushes because that’s just gross).

Wife 2 – Hubby 0

Third, don’t touch his deodorant.  I’m always talking about baby steps, and I completely agree that change sucks.  I got him to change soap and toothpaste in the same month, that’s a pretty big accomplishment in my book and my tactics never required any couples therapy which is always a plus.  I make my own deodorant and that just weirds him out.  He thinks you shouldn’t be able to eat your deodorant and loves his traditional, aluminum filled stick.  What can you do, we’re all a work in progress.  We’re exposed to so many toxins daily that if you just switch a few things, it helps.  You can think I’m a foul-mouthed whack job (not completely untrue) and that’s ok, but when you’re looking to buy your next product because you ran out, try something new, read the list of ingredients, GET EDUCATED.

Like Meatloaf sang “Two out of three ain’t bad” (Meatloaf was in Fight Club, there’s your Six Degrees of Getting Green right there)

Final Score: Wife 2 – Hubby 1    –   Happy Marriage