Dancing with Jake Ryan

So there I was, a fresh-faced budding young woman of 14.  I was at the movies with some friends and that’s when I first saw him.  He became very important in my “formative years” and was often on my mind as I drifted off to sleep…Jake Ryan.  When Sixteen Candles came out in 1984 I thought the story was cute, the dress was awesome, but Jake was dreamy.  Somehow over the years his dialogue with Long Duck Dong blurred in my mind and my friends and I started to refer to Jake as the oily bo-hunk.  (Molly Ringwald purists will recall that her sister in the movie was the one marrying the oily bo-hunk and not Molly’s character and that’s where the culturally comedic confusion came from…but I digress).

Fast forward almost 30 years and my life has changed.  I used to think about Jake Ryan while I was alone in the shower, now I think about him after I get out.  So clearly you see where this is going…that’s right, I’m obviously talking about skin moisturizing.

I remember a time not too long ago when my “sperm-retention headache having/personal oily bo-hunk” (let’s call him husband) says to me over breakfast…”hey, I DVR’d an Oprah for you.  There was a woman on who’s like 150 years old but looks like she’s 25 and she said it’s all from giving her husband a blow-job every day”.  Let’s digest that for a minute; I think he’s bluffing.  One of his heads is convinced since it’s Oprah I’ll just take it at face value and give it a try.  After watching the episode I can tell you he was close…he thought she said “daily blow-jobs” when actually she said “daily moisturizing”.  I cut him slack as there isn’t enough blood in a man’s body to fill up both heads at the same time.

In a previous article I may have made you throw up in your mouth a little when I introduced you to my goal of giving you all STD’s.  Just a reminder, I don’t have syphilis, chlamydia or even hepatitis …my STD stands for Shit To Do.  I’m the brutal reminder of all the crap you should be doing on a regular basis but you don’t; like washing your hands for at least 20 seconds, flossing at least once a day and brushing your teeth for at least 2 minutes.  I have re-dedicated myself to adding these clean living STD’s to my life on a regular basis and I’ve decided to drag you all along as well.

For most of us, moisturizing (please don’t say moist) is something we do when our skin feels dry and is already starting to crack.  If your husband complains that it feels like you are wearing shoes in the bed when you are actually barefoot, out comes the moisturizer (or out goes the husband, either method is usually acceptable).  Moisturizing on-demand is like flossing before a dentist appointment, the attempt is admirable but you’re really not accomplishing much of anything.

So here’s my new snake-skin-begone routine: I take a shower and then dry off but not fully.  Instead of completely drying myself with my organic towel, I pat my skin so I’m still a bit damp (please don’t say moist) and then I apply a thin layer of my cream of choice…good old reliable, inexpensive organic coconut oil.  Of course hubby now refers to his favorite extremity as the lime and chases me around singing “you put the lime in the coconut”.  I have some sensory issues so I can’t get dressed while I’m still wet or greasy in any way.  I really like the coconut oil because it sinks into my skin quickly which is nice when I’m running like a greased pig from my dogs who are trying to lick my legs and my husband who is trying to lick everything else.

I’m going to be blunt (oh, now you’re going to be blunt?) because that’s who I am…I can’t do this every day for the simple fact that I just don’t have time to grease up daily like I’m swimming the English Channel.  I’m lucky if I have time to eat 2 meals a day so I’m keeping it realistic at 3-4 times a week.  Like I always say, you do what you can.  If you can do 5-7 days a week that’s terrific, if you can only do 2 days then that’s two more than you had been doing before.

I started referring to this whole process as “Dancing with Jake Ryan” but in order to not confuse hubby I changed it to “Dancing with the oily bo-hunk”  (see, I came full circle)

I’d been doing this for about two weeks and this is a true story:

My hubby and I just finished “mommy and daddy special talking time” but most adults would call it having sex and the rest would call it cruel and unusual.  I’m lying on my back (because it’s a day that ends in “Y”) and my satiated, thrilled, exhausted and incredibly happy hubby says as he’s caressing my leg, “What are you doing differently?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Hubby: “Usually your legs feel like a snake crawled into our bed.  Your legs are so soft.”

Me: “That’s from dancing with the Oily bo-hunk”

Hubby: “Damn right I’m your Oily bo-hunk.  We should do this more often”

Sigh…two heads, not enough blood