Many will say that much like a misplaced dildo (Armadillo on the Dildo?) the Elf has become an unexpected pain in the ass.  Take a quick browse on any facebook mom’s group and you’ll find that the one thing they can all agree on is that they should have never started this tradition. If they had to do it over again they would have told their kids their Elf moved to Sweden and joined an ABBA tribute band.

God help us if you forget to move the damn thing one night and now you spend the next day rationalizing why a toy has not moved around the house…here’s a few suggestions

“Maybe if you were a better listener he would have moved”

“If you did better on that Math test then maybe the Elf would would love you more”

“Maybe if grandma wasn’t so controlling and approved of my parenting style then the fucking doll wouldn’t have sat there like a lump of shitty plastic silently judging me as I tried to balance my work life, my home life, menopause, being jealous of Gwen’s new Tesla, the fact that Big Bang Theory was cancelled…” wait, where was I going with this??

If you’re a normal mom like me then you may have read these three suggestions and said “ hmmm…that sounds about right”. Unless of course you are GWEN…little Mrs. Perfect.  We all have a Gwen in our lives.  Perfect lawn, perfect lighting in her Instagram posts, perfect life, perfect everything. I  HATE HER because I’m jealous and that make me hate her even more (Gwen bangs three businessmen?)

So for all of us non-GWEN’s, I like to call us real-moms (Mamas in Pajamas?) I raise my well-deserved wine glass to you and offer you my help. There are plenty of sites to give you cute little kid-friendly ideas of what to do with you Elf, but you ain’t never seen a site like me before.

Maybe you get an Elf on the Shelf just for you and your husband and create these pics or better yet, you have your fun with the Elf yourself and you just make him watch.  However you choose to pleasure yours(elf) make sure you tag us at Living Clean and Dirty when you post them on social media so we can admire and praise (and obviously judge) your work.

As far as I’m concerned, if all the Chucky movies were rated R, then why should the exploits of a self-aware Christmas-themed doll who is supposed to have his own adventures be any different. Right click on the calendar below, save the image and print it out for yourself, hang that shit up proudly on the fridge (or better yet, in the closet where you hide the booze)…why should the kids have all of the fun?  Leave the “classy” for someone else and may all of your Elf adventures be filthy.

Happy Holidays
Ho-Ho-Ho

The post What a doll! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I used to think maybe two of them were places you could only get to by plane and one was something you put on cuts for some reason. As I get older (read: wiser), I’ve come to appreciate that actually one of them is a place where something is mined and two of them are the mine-ees (miners? minors?).

That’s right, faithful readers. The Himalayan Salt Lamp train is leaving the station. Hop on board.

Toot toot!

Salt lamps come in a few varieties. There are baskets of smaller salt rocks, but most come in chunk sizes ranging from about 5 to 15 inches. I’m an 8-inch kind of gal, so I stuck with what I know.

I’ve read a lot about how these warm pink and orange glowing lamps can benefit your health and well-being. While I’m not convinced they’re the miracle cure some websites make them out to be, I figure this shit probably won’t hurt me, so why not give it a try? You can call me a skeptic, but I’m skeptical of any holistic fad that starts cutting into my alcohol budget.

So after a few hours of wine-fueled research, here are the potential benefits I found.

• Cleanse and deodorize the air. I figured this might be useful in my house with two large dogs who rarely bathe, two daughters who somehow always smell like gym class, a hubby who works out at home, and me…a busy mom who occasionally gets that not-so-fresh feeling.

• Reduce allergy and asthma symptoms. Nobody in my family has asthma or severe allergies, but I’d read enough positive reviews to make me curious. Between the dogs and the dust bunnies, I figured it couldn’t hurt.

• Increase energy levels. Done, done and done! Take my money. Who doesn’t need more energy? I love to sleep. I mean I REALLY love to sleep. If sleeping were an Olympic event, I’d be standing on the podium every four years. Even after seven hours…OK fine…ten hours…my energy level still isn’t exactly setting the world on fire.

• Improve your mood, concentration and sleep. Yes, yes and yes. I put one in each of my girls’ rooms and told them it was their new nightlight. They thought they looked cool, and I figured they beat the bright lamps they had before. Goodbye Hello Kitty. Hello giant glowing pink rock. I even convinced them it helped keep the boogeyman away. That’s right. I lie because I love.

Now, I believe I’ve mentioned before that my darling Cockateer (let’s call him husband) wasn’t exactly thrilled about having glowing pink rocks scattered throughout the house. I tried reasoning with him, but he insisted they looked like pink kryptonite and started making up ridiculous superhero side effects. Honestly, I had no counterargument because I was laughing too hard.

A few days later, after I had enthusiastically shared every potential benefit I’d read about, he did what any skeptical husband would do.

He went on Amazon and ordered five of them.

While my husband may no longer fear the boogeyman, he is still one of the world’s worst sleepers. Ever since I met him, bedtime has been less about sleeping and more about wandering through the house looking for projects that absolutely cannot wait until morning. I’ve tried melatonin, essential oils, meditation, deep breathing…nothing seemed to help.

Oddly enough, the salt lamp did.

Not because of any magical health benefits, mind you.

It simply became our bedroom light.

The soft glow was a whole lot nicer than turning on the closet light and pretending we were starring in an off-Broadway production. Somewhere along the way it earned the nickname “the boom boom light.” The dogs even seemed to figure it out. The second that pink light came on, they’d quietly get up and leave the room without being asked.

Pavlov would have been proud.

Is the Himalayan Salt Lamp everything people claim it is?

I honestly can’t say.

Do I know if it cleans the air? Nope.

Do I know if it boosts energy or helps allergies? Not really.

Do I know it gives the bedroom a warm glow, makes the house feel cozy and looks a whole lot better than the old lamps we had?

Absolutely.

And if it turns out some of those other health benefits are real too, even better.

I figure there’s no harm in giving one a shot. Worst case scenario, you end up with a pretty cool-looking lamp.

Best case?

Well…let’s just say around our house it’s still affectionately known as the “boom boom” light.

The post Boom Boom Shake Shake the Room! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

As I’m sure you can tell by now, I love to have a good laugh.  But I should preface that with the fact that the material needs to be funny.  Back in my single days a guy gave me this card on Valentine’s Day.  Now, granted I took some artistic liberties with the card itself because the original is still probably in police evidence “just in case”, but the sentiment is the same.  He wasn’t funny, he was super creepy and he always looked like he needed a shower (not in the Ethan Hawke hot way, but more like Howard Hughes at the end when he was pissing in jars).  He would have been better off if the card had said “Happy Valentine’s Day – Clearly you’re a low-shooter and I love that about you.”  Ugh! Gross!!  …OK, now back to our blog.

The true history of Valentine’s Day can differ depending on who you ask.  While most historians agree that it’s actually St. Valentine that we celebrate on the 14^th of February, the details tend to be a little sketchy.  My favorite story is about an imprisoned Saint named Valentine who sent a love letter to the daughter of his jailer before his death and signed it “From Your Valentine”.  That’s right baby…caged heat.  While I’m sure Valentine’s Day in today’s prisons must be the butt of a lot of jokes, we have an imprisoned man condemned to death to thank for an abundance of greeting cards, chocolate, flowers and last minute shopping by forgetful husbands.

Now I’m sure that my husband’s version of the story would revolve around a celebration of the great St. Vagine, and we should spend the day on our knees pleasing it.  Knowing him, this would yield a lot of empty wine bottles and me asking on Facebook for a good chiropractor the next day.  Honestly we aren’t big gift givers in my house.  Holidays and anniversaries are great excuses to turn off the rest of the world and spend time with the ones we love.  Basically if we are wrapping up shit in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep it’s because the dog took a dump in the living room and we are trying to destroy the evidence.  But when we do need/want something we just get it and surprise the person even more because well…it’s a no-reason-Tuesday.  More than anything we love giving the gift of experience (in the case of my two kids) or the gift of health for my hubby and me. But, hubby is only human, and there are certain landmark holidays where he starts hinting around about what sort of gift I would like.

So with February 14^th fast approaching, here’s my Top 10 lists of eco-friendly Valentine’s Day gifts.  The first list is gifts for the ladies.  These can be from your fella or even better, a gift you get yourself on Black Saturday.  But don’t worry fellas; I made a top 10 gift list for you too.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR WOMEN

1) Massage: My hubby and I both get monthly massages. It’s a great way to turn off and de-stress since we both sit in chairs for a gazillion hours a day.  Your parenting skills could use the time for a quick recharge and your muscles will thank you.  Neither of us get the “Happy Ending” kind but I guess that could relax you too, this is a judgment free blog.

2) Guided Meditation Class: My hubby encourages me to go twice a month.  There’s a local place by me who donates part of the proceeds to a local animal shelter.  I usually fall asleep half way through (last time I was even sitting up) but it’s relaxing and I love the meditation practice.  It’s like sex, sure you can do it alone, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone there walking you through it.

3) Facials: I treat myself to a once a month facial (sigh, please don’t laugh).  Every time I say “facial” in my house my hubby laughs uncontrollably.  I just learned (after getting my first one) that it’s called a facial when a man treats your face like a sperm bank and he’s making a deposit.  I love getting a facial (the spa kind) because it’s awesome for my poor dehydrated skin and I can’t believe how good it feels.  Thankfully I never got the other facial because if a guy tried to leave his mess all over my face he’d end up with fewer balls than Lance Armstrong.

4) Buy One Organic Decadent Thing:  Hubby is going to laugh at this one and say something supportive like “Oh, if you wanted to treat yourself with organic corn you could have just asked”.  Well, in this case I was thinking on a grander scale.  This past year for the holidays I’ve been eyeing some VERY expensive Coyuchi organic towels.  Doesn’t sound so glamorous at first, but you won’t hear me complain when I wrap myself up in one of these after a nice hot bath.

5) Take a Class: Do this as a couple or do it alone.  Hell, when I was single and in my 20s I bought myself a gift every V-Day (still love these cool earrings I got one year, I know me so well) so I took a cooking class in Brooklyn and still use what I learned there every day.  And if cooking isn’t your thing, try another class, a few years back I took a knitting class and this year I’m learning to sew.

6) Send Flowers:  While certainly not original, sending flowers is the “black iron skillet” of the gift giving world.  It’s a simple phone call, nearly impossible to mess up and a timeless gift.  If this is your choice, be sure to take advantage of the “tulips” (two-lips) jokes and also try sending eco-friendly flowers (www.organicbouquet.com) or even a plant.

7) Write a Heart Felt Letter:  Back before texting, sexting, email and even AIM we used to write letters…you know, with a pen.  Skip the stupid card, because you probably waited too long anyway and now all that’s left are the crappy cards with sad puppies or Batman on them.  It’s WAY more touching if you just write how you feel and if you feel inclined you can draw a little picture too…you don’t even have to rhyme (but if you can, that’s nice)

8) Symbolically Find Your Valentine’s Animal Match and Donate:  You can go to: www.worldwildlife.org and pick what animal best describes your Valentine and symbolically adopt that animal.  We love that we’re giving to one of our favorite charities, my kids love doing it and probably most important…our dogs love it because they hate competition.

9) Think Vintage: Growing up we called jewelry and clothes like this “old” but now it’s “chic”.  It looks like there’s a huge resurgence of what I like to call “the classics”, you know…like granny panties.  Check out vintage stores, consignment shops or etsy for tons of repurposed items.  What someone else doesn’t use is your treasure.

10) Make a Mix Tape: OK, technically I was thinking of a Mix-Playlist, but there’s something about Bonnie Tyler, Simply Red and Berlin that just screams Sony Walkman to me.  Make her feel young again and make her a playlist on her I-Fillintheblank.  Pick some of her favorite music from when she was young and fresh filled with hope that she can listen to now while she’s cleaning up after your kids and doing your laundry and making your dinner…sorry, a little projecting there.  Be a mensch and play that playlist on your stereo, take her hand and ask her to dance.

If you continue to scroll down you will see the men’s list, hope this helps and have a great V-Day.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR MEN

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Bake him cookies
4. Sex
5. Blowjob
6. Sex
7. Sex
8. Sex
9. Sex
10. Sex and then let him finish the cookies (may be substituted for Blowjob)

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So my younger daughter Chloe is the Beanie Baby daughter. I would say she was the mayor of Beanie Town, but she would probably be more of a Toronto Rob Ford type of mayor, so I don’t think politics are in her future.

From about age four until…well…now, she can always be found carrying around a couple of these squishable, part-time dog toys. (My black Lab Riley was a huge fan.) She names them, gives them elaborate backstories and speaks in their voices. Her favorites were the sweet and gentle Mrs. Hops, who can be seen in her proof-of-life photo, and Mr. Twitches, a sassy cat with absolutely no filter.

Chloe was five when this happened. I was downstairs in the kitchen making breakfast when I heard an argument coming down the stairs.

Chloe: “No, Kitty, don’t do it. We’re going to get in trouble.”

Mr. Twitches: “I’m gonna.”

Chloe: “No, Kitty, don’t say the F-word.”

Mr. Twitches: “F***.”

Chloe: “Bad Kitty! That’s a very bad Mr. Twitches. You don’t say that!”

Shakespeare this wasn’t, but it had to be addressed. Obviously she’d heard language like that somewhere, and as a mom you never know how you’re going to handle moments like this. You hope you can turn them into a teaching opportunity.

Me: “Come on, Chloe. Mr. Twitches never said ‘that.'”

Mission accomplished.

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