• The average person has 148 pieces of clothing.
• Clothes can take up to 40 years to decompose
• The amount of money people spend on clothes, footwear and jewelry each year is equivalent to the combined GDP of the 126 poorest countries in the world.
• Aristotle coined the phrase “does a bear shit in the woods” which centuries later led to Disney artists never drawing Winnie the Pooh with pants
• It takes 700 gallons of water to make a cotton shirt.

My point being, we spend a lot of time, energy and money on clothing. I have to admit I’m a bit of a clothes hoarder myself. I have a monstrous bedroom closet in my home that my husband built for me. It’s like having a studio apartment attached to my bedroom and I fill it to the gills. I’d always treated my clothes well, so my Benetton sweaters, my Merry-Go-round tops and the Z. Cavariccis I picked up from Contempo Casuals still look good enough to be worn today (or if I ever travel backwards in time).

This is a very roundabout way of saying I have a boatload of clothes and it was time to clean house…or closet in this case. Think of a colonoscopy, but for your closet…a closet-oscopy.

I have what one might call a sprinkling of OCD, especially when it comes to home organization.  The cans in my pantry all face the correct way and are of course organized by food group. My spices are all sorted first by height and then alphabetically. My jackets are organized by temperature needed to wear and my socks are organized by thickness. You know…the usual organizational stuff. This is a sharp contrast to my husband who organizes his clothes in what I would classify as “a pile”.

So when I decided to tackle my overstuffed closet, I had to take a deep breath, roll up my sleeves and move past the obsession to have everything looking perfect.

Intrigued yet? Still wondering which “truth” was a lie? Do you know what the Pareto Principle is? Keep reading and all shall be revealed.

We all know what the Pareto Principle is, we just know it by another name.  No, it’s not that Janet Jackson song…that’s the Pleasure Principle from her studio album Control that ironically I bought from Sam Goody at the mall while I was waiting for my boyfriend at the time to come out of Chess King (yes, Chess King). The Pareto Principle is the 80/20 theory that you can apply to almost anything. “80% of the time I wear 20% of my clothes”. That equates to a lot of clothes that I didn’t like, didn’t want to be seen out with and just wanted to get rid of (much like my Chess King boyfriend at the end of that relationship back in the 80s).

Yeah, I’m looking at you shoulder-padded power suit. You may have looked good on the Golden Girls but I think it’s time to put you out on the Lanai for good. I’m also looking at you, denim overalls with the built in fanny pack. Sure you made me look like a hot Canadian Kangaroo at the time, but I don’t think the look is coming back. I also think it’s time to finally retire my collection of velour tracksuits that were some cross-breed of the Six Million Dollar Man and Grandma’s couch cushions.

Here’s my rule…I’m only going to keep clothes that I can fit into, outfits that that I love, and anything that makes me feel like the queen that I am.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m keeping my sweats, my PJ pants with superheroes on it and my favorite ratty old college hoodie. I want to be comfy at home and on the occasional quick grocery run, but the rest needs to go.

So I want to declutter, keep my OCD in check, and unload my unwanteds without them ending up in the landfill. No problem…I got this (with the help of some calming deep breaths)!

First, I’m turning all my hangers so they are facing out. The thought of doing this made my eye twitch because with my touch of OCD all my hangers face in and all my clothes are hung in the “proper” direction. Deep breath in for 5, hold for 7, breathe out for 8.

The next step almost put me in full-blown panic mode. When you wear something and put it back you turn the hanger facing in (the opposite of all the other hangers). You do this for months. Months of walking into your closet and all the hangers are facing different directions. I actually vomit a little in my mouth at the thought of this. Take another deep breath in for 5, hold it for 7, and breathe out for 8.

After the season changes you can see everything you didn’t wear (all the backward hangers). There are some things you didn’t wear that you should keep. I have fancy dresses for Black Tie affairs, sun dresses for parties and an interview suit I might need someday (I love blogging but you never know). Everything else you can sell or donate. Remember your ugly brown jacket might be someone else’s treasure.

I know change is scary (so are hangers facing in all directions), but like cleaning out the garage, the hardest part is getting started.  Every day you put on a different pair of pants and a different shirt. If it doesn’t fit and you haven’t worn it, it’s time to go. Those jeans you haven’t worn in 10 years because you might suddenly become a size 2 again, get rid of them. That interview suit from the 1990s that’s a “classic” but has bigger shoulder pads than a NFL linebacker has to go.

When I say “has to go” I don’t mean throw out. Give your clothes another life. Need some ideas…you know I got you covered.

thredUp:

This is an “online consignment and thrift store for your closet, your wallet, and the planet.” I always save money buying from thredUp (and even score some brand new items with the tags still on). Now that you’re decluttering your closet, you can check their website for items they accept, load up a box (recycle one that you have) and print out a free shipping label. Once it sells, you can use the credit to buy clothing from them OR cash out. They also have donation kits if you don’t want the cash or credit but want to clean out your closet sustainably.

Knickey:

When you ditch your dainties they end up in a landfill. That’s not ideal, but it’s still a bit skeevie to donate your skiddy skivvies and not many organizations would accept these items (ewww gross factor). Knickey has a Recycling Program and turns them into new materials like insulation, carpet padding and furniture batting. They take underwear, bras, socks and tights (even men’s and kids) and even reward you. They’ll add a free pair of their undies to your next order.

Local Donation Bins:

Many organizations take gently used clothing to give away or sell in their thrift stores which sponsors their programs. Search “local donation centers” and you’ll find places near you. Also, check out grocery store parking lots, fire houses, or big national chain stores. Often times there are collection bins where you can drop your items.

Give to a Friend:

For years I didn’t buy clothes for my kids because my best friend’s girls were slightly older than mine and always one or two sizes ahead. Sharing clothes with other families is a great way to get more use out of them especially when kids are little and they wear something once and seem to outgrow it the very next day.

Old Shoes:

Soles4Souls:

This organization takes new or gently worn clothing and shoes. If you don’t have a local drop off location they’ve teamed up with Zappos for Good and you can box up your shoes and send them with prepaid shipping labels.

Local Consignment Shop/Thrift Store:

We have a local consignment shop that carries many designer and high end brands.

• Always wanted a Gucci belt but couldn’t pay retail?
• Have you drooled over a Prada bag?
• Ever dreamed of owning a Chanel?

Now you can. Many luxury consignment shops carry pre-owned, authenticated designer items at a fraction of its retail cost. You’re getting a great price for a classic item and if you have designer goods that you no longer wear you can sell them and at least get some money back.

I also have a local thrift store that donates all the proceeds to a local animal shelter. Talk about a win-win. I get rid of my stuff which gets used by someone else and I help homeless animals. BAM!

And speaking of homeless animals, I still don’t know why Winnie the Pooh never wore pants, and I’m pretty sure Aristotle didn’t know either. What I do know is that one of my favorite quotes fits this whole closet-cleaning adventure perfectly:

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

Turns out the river has the right idea. My closet didn’t get this out of control overnight, so it wasn’t going to get cleaned out overnight either. Sometimes the hardest part is simply getting started. Once you do, the rest has a funny way of taking care of itself.

The post It’s time for your Closet-oscopy appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

My version of the perfect Mother’s Day doesn’t involve fancy dinners, chocolates or extravagant gifts. It’s sleeping late, not cooking a single meal (or doing the dishes), and celebrating the original mother, Mother Earth, by spending the day outside in the garden.

Misspelled cards and Picasso-esque drawings from my kids over the years will always have a special place in my heart, but as my girls are now in their teens (please pray for me, or at the very least send wine), the gift of spending time with them is just as precious. While not as Earthy-Crunchy as I am, at least not yet, my girls have definitely embraced some of my eco-friendly ways and joined me on my journey.

I’ve become a newly self-proclaimed minimalist, I have a new kitchen goal, and I’m no longer driving a hybrid. Is your interest piqued? Well, you’ll have to keep watching as I’ll get to those stories in future articles, but for now let me present my gift from one mom to another.

Let yourself be a bit selfish this Mother’s Day. We’ve earned it, ladies, and we keep earning it every day whether you’re changing diapers, need your own diaper changed, or you’re somewhere in between. I’ll admit there are some pretty terrific store-bought gifts out there, but if you’re a regular reader of mine then you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m giving you my TOP 10 FREE things you can do right now to save money and save Mama Earth.

1 – Next to my kitchen sink is a pitcher. Don’t go out and buy one. Trust me, you’ve got something right now that’s collecting dust and will work perfectly. A big glass, a vase, a water pitcher, a bowl your kids made you for a past Mother’s Day, or even that goldfish bowl you bought even though the poor guy only made it two days. Really anything that will hold water. Throughout the day there’s so much extra water I never use. The water my kids didn’t drink, water left in a measuring cup or pot, or even ice that fell on the floor. Instead of pouring it down the drain, I dump it in my pitcher and when it’s full I use it to water my plants. Save money on your water bill and don’t let perfectly good water go to waste.

2 – Become that weird person who demands everyone take their shoes off at the front door. I swear every time someone asked me to do it I’d roll my eyes (behind their back. I’m not that rude) while taking off my shoes. Yep, now you can roll your eyes at me. Not tracking dirt and debris into the house helps reduce indoor toxins and keeps your floors cleaner. Between my two kids, my two dogs and my hubby, there’s a lot of outdoors that ends up indoors. I used to go through vacuum bags like potato chips at a Grateful Dead concert, so this one’s a no-brainer. Less dirt, less vacuuming, less money spent. Win, win, win.

3 – Join me in My Year of Clear. Confused? That’s what I called it when I woke up and decided to keep only the things I love, use or are sentimental. Everything else goes. Not to the landfill of course. Don’t be ridiculous. All that stuff you’re saving “just in case?” Let me be your blunt friend. I know you have the best intentions, but you’re never going to use it. If you haven’t touched it in a year, you probably don’t need it. Sell it on eBay, Craigslist or Facebook Marketplace and make a few bucks, or donate it to a local thrift store that supports a nonprofit. Your trash really can become someone else’s treasure, and you’ll have a little extra room to dance around your newly decluttered house.

4 – Did you know your clothes get just as clean using cold water? Yep. You’ll save money on your energy bill, your clothes will stay looking newer longer and you’ll help the planet. BAM. All in one. And if you want to take it one eco-step further, check out THIS ARTICLE and see how I ditched laundry detergent and now my clothes (and my washer and dryer) have never smelled better.

5 – This Mother’s Day I’ve set a huge personal goal for myself. Read one book a week. If you’re a reader like me, there’s no way I’m buying all those books to read once and then stick on a shelf like some strange literary trophy. My local library always has enough to keep me entertained, and they even print on the receipt how much money you’ve saved by borrowing instead of buying.

6 – “Turn the goddamn lights off!” Ahhhh…this brings me back. If I had a dollar for every time my dad yelled that at me, I could probably buy a small island. Like Staten Island. Turning off the lights inside the house is easy enough, but it seems like some of my neighbors grew up in a very different household because they leave their outside lights on all night. Now far be it from me to judge. If you’re one of them, I totally get it. (Nope…I’m silently judging you.) If you feel like you need to leave them on, at least invest in a timer. It’ll save energy and money. Unless, of course, you own the electric company. Then I guess carry on.

7 – Did you know you can turn the heat off in your dishwasher? Many even have an air-dry option that lets your dishes dry naturally. I always run mine at night, so if they take a little longer to dry it doesn’t matter.

8 – I have a neighbor I absolutely adore, but he’s a neat freak. Every Saturday he unrolls his garden hose and washes his driveway. Especially in the spring. If he grabbed a broom instead, he’d finish faster, save money on his water bill and conserve the wet stuff. (Note to self: Send sidewalk chalk to his kids and tell them to draw Mom a Happy Mother’s Day message on the driveway.)

9 – Saving water is probably the easiest thing you can do right now to help both your wallet and the planet. Take a shower instead of a bath. Don’t leave the water running while brushing your teeth or washing dishes. And always try to shower with a buddy. (In my case, my hubby.) And remember…a Retriever can be Golden, a Willy Wonka ticket can be Golden, and Rose, Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia should always be Golden. But I’d recommend keeping the Golden out of your shower for two.

10 – If you’re not using rooms in your house, close the heating and cooling vents to help reduce your energy costs and improve efficiency.

So to all the mothers, grandmothers and hard-working ladies out there, enjoy your day. Do something nice for yourself and for the Earth. Check back often for more helpful ideas and be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.

That’s it for me today. I’m off to do some gardening and maybe, if my hubby plays his cards right, there’ll be a shower for two in his future.

The post Make it a MOM-entous day appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I beg of you don’t say goodbye, can’t we give our love another try?
Come on, baby, let’s start anew, ’cause breaking up is hard to do

Wiser words have never been spoken, so much so, that even the Partridge Family delivered the same message in full Partridge regalia at a carnival in the 1972 episode “Nag, Nag, Nag” (look it up).  Gloria Estefan, Clay Aiken, Carole King and so many others have preached about the ‘hard-to-do-ness’ of breakups but sadly I don’t think any of them were trying to break up with plastic like I am.

So if you remember all the way back to my last post about Earth Day and my impending war on all things plastic.  I talked about how my vitamins and my weird former co-worker Steve both came in plastic containers and those 2 things are both very bad. Well, I’m here to remind you I’m still fighting the good fight against plastic.  You don’t realize just how much plastic we use in our daily lives from toothbrushes to phone cases, garbage cans to car bumpers, dog toys to eyeglasses, and what I’m talking about today…kitchen gadgets and food storage.

I think the easiest way to kick plastic to the curb (in my blue recycle bin of course) is by going old-school, and when we start talking old-school then we have to start with “Hell-on-Wheels Helen”. My Grandma Helen grew her own food, sewed her own clothes and bought a car before she even got a driver’s license. She was never in a car accident but they say she caused more than a few, so take that advice with a grain of salt.  She was the Chuck Norris of grandmas.  Legend has it that she once had an underwater breath-holding contest with a fish…and won.  When she sliced onions, the onions would cry.  The flu still gets Grandma Helen shots each year.  Basically, she was a bad ass before women were supposed to be bad asses.

I’m pretty sure she would get a kick out of my Year of Clear. She was a real no bullshit lady and I like to think I get all my good qualities from her.  She was the boss of her house and not only could OG Helen start a fire with an ice cube and beat the sun in a staring contest but she knew that when it came to the kitchen, glass was where it was at. She stored everything in glass and it made a ton of sense, it was completely see-through, you could go directly from the fridge to the oven and so long as you don’t chuck it at your husband (allegedly) it will last for years.  Plastic wasn’t an option back then and even if it was I don’t think Helen would have had any of it. Sure plastic might be lighter and cheaper but glass is more durable, non-porous and won’t warp over time. Legend has it that Helen could dribble a bowling ball and win at connect four in three moves, so she would tell you plastic didn’t belong anywhere near her kitchen.

She wasn’t around for the rise in popularity of stainless steel straws, silicone storage bags and biodegradable sponges, but if she was I know she would be a fan.  Maybe she would’ve started Living Clean and Dirty. Maybe we need to think a little more about what touches our food. Maybe we need to simplify things. Maybe the Boogeyman still checks under his bed for Grandma Helen.  My point is…maybe we all just need a little more Old School in our lives.

So I don’t want to “Nag, Nag, Nag” (Jesus, just look it up!) but in honor of OG (Original Grandma) Helen here are my top 5 Old School meets New School tips for breaking up with plastic in the kitchen. And feel free to share any of your favorite plastic break-up tips, or 8×10 glossies of David Cassidy for that matter.

1.   Sponges: “Sponge-worthy” jokes aside, if you’ve ever use a loofa in the shower you’ll know it’s a great way to clean your body. Why shouldn’t your dishes, pots and pans be treated with the same TLC. Not only is Scrufah biodegradable, compostable, non- toxic and of course plastic free (the packaging has NO plastic too) it works really well on scrubbing off those tough messes after sitting in the sink all night. To clean my counters I love, love, love Skoy Cloths. They’re biodegradable, chlorine-free, unbleached, washable in either your washer or dishwasher and the best part is they last a really, really, really long time. The website says it can last for months and is the equivalent to using 15 rolls of paper towels but mine have lasted YEARS and I barely buy paper towels.

2.   Storage Containers: Taking a page out of Grandma Helen’s book, I switched to all glass containers. I have a ton of Mason Jars which are awesome, but sometimes it’s more convenient to have shallower storage. There are plenty of companies that sell glass containers BUT the lids are plastic and they suck, so lose-lose. They warp in my dishwasher and are difficult to wash by hand. They crack and split apart so you never get a good seal, and much like a Dutch Oven, if you don’t have a good seal then what’s the point. So basically the bottom part is great and the top half is useless (much like most of my old boyfriends). Thankfully I came across a company called Nummy. Nummyware is glass stackable storage containers that come in different sizes, are dishwasher/oven/microwave/freezer safe. They come with a bamboo lid that is 100% biodegradable, BPA free, phthalate free with a food grade silicone seal that is easy to clean and dishwasher safe.  Check out Nummylife here.

3.   Grow my own food: No plastic containers, no BPA filled receipts, no plastic wrap, no plastic produce bags. Just go outside (in the winter it’s inside) and cut, wash and use. Want great tips on how to grow your own garden. Check out this blogpost for more info. **Pro-Tip!! You can GROW SCALLIONS IN WATER INSIDE YOUR HOUSE from store bought scallions. Check it out here!

4.   Stainless Steel Straws: I would ditch using straws completely but I love drinking lemon water, which is basically lemonade’s cool older cousin. Some say if you drink this daily the acid in the lemon can ruin the enamel on your teeth. Others say to just to rinse your mouth with water after drinking the lemon water and you’ll be fine.  Still others will say that if you drink it from a straw then your pearly whites will be safe.  Legend has it that life gave my Grandma Helen lemons and she used them to make lemonade, 2 grenades, a motorcycle and an entire bottle of bourbon.  So basically no one knows what the real answer is.  I play it safe and drink my morning lemon water with a straw. I love turtles WAY too much to ever use a plastic straw, paper straws are gross, so that’s why I go with stainless steel. I bought 4 and use them over and over and over again. I even carry one in my purse when I go out which embarrasses the crap out of my kids. (grenades, motorcycle and bourbon not included)

5.   Silicone Storage Bags: My kids hate it when I take our used ziplock plastic bags, wash them and reuse them. My hubby actually says THIS is the last straw (not even stainless) and too much for even him to watch. I’m not using those bags once and throwing them away and thankfully I’m not the only one with this problem. We use non-toxic, dishwasher and microwavable silicone bags. They come in all sizes and colors so you can freeze, store or use them to carry around food. You can check some out here and here.

The post The Legend of Grandma Helen and the War on Plastic appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Here’s one source of plastic I never really thought about until recently…my daily vitamins. Yep, even the mayor of Awesome-town takes her vitamins. I try to stay on top of my Vitamin C, Vitamin D and probiotics. (When my hubby talks about me getting my Vitamin D, he means something completely different…and sadly, it isn’t a daily supplement.)

Much like this weird guy Steve I used to work with, most vitamins come in plastic containers. Please don’t ask how I know Steve came in a plastic container. Some questions are better left unanswered.

Fortunately, I found a win-win with Truvani. It’s a company I already trusted, but what really caught my attention was that their vitamins come in glass jars instead of plastic. It’s a small change, but those little choices add up over time. Saving the planet doesn’t always mean installing solar panels or buying an electric car. Sometimes it’s as simple as choosing the glass jar instead of the plastic one.

So this Earth Day I’m saying no to plastic, hell no to Steve, and yes to Mother Earth.

💰 Save Money. 🌎 Save the Earth. 😀 Save Yourself.

The post Plastic ain’t Fantastic appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

“Don’t be a Dick” – Ghandi
“Send Nudes, Not Hate” – Thomas Jefferson
“Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope” – Sun Tzu

And my favorite…
“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet” – Abe Lincoln

Recently I came across what seems like a real quote on the internet and I’m running with it.
“The ugliest thing I have ever seen, is a human being without compassion” – H. Milne

Henri Milne was a French Zoologist in the 1800s. He wrote papers for the French Academy of Sciences and in his career named 5 new species of lizards. If he did actually say this then I think he hit the nail on the head. If it was someone else who said it and you know who it was then let me know, otherwise the credit is going to Henri. #VIVALAHENRI

Translated into 2019-speak…without compassion, you’re fucked.

My family has a Thanksgiving tradition that has helped my girls grow to be compassionate young women. When they were very little, I talked about what compassion means, how to be compassionate and how to show compassion. Mind you this was sprinkled into their daily diet of Dora the Explorer, Handy Manny, chasing the dog around the house and pulling all the labels off of our canned food. So needless to say, I wasn’t really expecting a speech about morality and empathy to keep their attention. To be fair, even to an adult it’s a really tough concept to explain. So I switched gears and instead of talking about compassion, I decided to show them what compassion looks like in our daily lives.

My husband and I wanted to find specific things we could do together as a family that would be fun and engaging for our young children. If I’m being truly honest, when my kids were little if I could find an activity for the family that didn’t require us all leaving the house, that was a win in my book. So one chilly November many years ago we started to “adopt” a turkey for Thanksgiving. Living in a suburban area I obviously wasn’t going to find one and take one home, although there is something mesmerizing about a creature that looks like its scrotum is hanging off its face.

For many years now, we all gather around the computer and show a little compassion that any 19^th century Zoologist would be proud of.  We each pick our own turkey (right online) and someone else cares for our “new member of the family” who is enjoying their life on the farm and not on someone’s dinner table.

After lots of research, I found Farm Sanctuary which operates a 275 acre sanctuary in Watkins Glen, New York and a 26 acre sanctuary in Los Angeles, California. They rescue, rehabilitate and provide care for hundreds of animals who were rescued from stockyards, factory farms and slaughterhouses. Each year, we go to their website and pick our turkey from the pictures and bios they provide. This year my daughter with a soft spot for “Frozen” is adopting Elsa and my musical daughter chose Hank Williams. My hubby wanted to adopt Pamela “The Lover” because he said she was the hot one. After I reminded him that jokes like that won’t be doing him any favors in the bedroom he reconsidered and agreed to adopt the whole flock.

Compassion isn’t always about writing a check or the subject of a silly meme…it’s a state of mind. Compassion is a verb. Kindness, caring and a willingness to help others should be something we all should be teaching and learning every day.

I’m going to leave you with 3 final quotes that I think sums it all up.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” – Dalai Lama

“Compassion is the chief law of human existence.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

“Living Clean and Dirty is my favorite website and newsletter.  You’d be an idiot not to subscribe” – Helen Keller

The post Compassion Is In Fashion appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

I used to think maybe two of them were places you could only get to by plane and one was something you put on cuts for some reason. As I get older (read: wiser), I’ve come to appreciate that actually one of them is a place where something is mined and two of them are the mine-ees (miners? minors?).

That’s right, faithful readers. The Himalayan Salt Lamp train is leaving the station. Hop on board.

Toot toot!

Salt lamps come in a few varieties. There are baskets of smaller salt rocks, but most come in chunk sizes ranging from about 5 to 15 inches. I’m an 8-inch kind of gal, so I stuck with what I know.

I’ve read a lot about how these warm pink and orange glowing lamps can benefit your health and well-being. While I’m not convinced they’re the miracle cure some websites make them out to be, I figure this shit probably won’t hurt me, so why not give it a try? You can call me a skeptic, but I’m skeptical of any holistic fad that starts cutting into my alcohol budget.

So after a few hours of wine-fueled research, here are the potential benefits I found.

• Cleanse and deodorize the air. I figured this might be useful in my house with two large dogs who rarely bathe, two daughters who somehow always smell like gym class, a hubby who works out at home, and me…a busy mom who occasionally gets that not-so-fresh feeling.

• Reduce allergy and asthma symptoms. Nobody in my family has asthma or severe allergies, but I’d read enough positive reviews to make me curious. Between the dogs and the dust bunnies, I figured it couldn’t hurt.

• Increase energy levels. Done, done and done! Take my money. Who doesn’t need more energy? I love to sleep. I mean I REALLY love to sleep. If sleeping were an Olympic event, I’d be standing on the podium every four years. Even after seven hours…OK fine…ten hours…my energy level still isn’t exactly setting the world on fire.

• Improve your mood, concentration and sleep. Yes, yes and yes. I put one in each of my girls’ rooms and told them it was their new nightlight. They thought they looked cool, and I figured they beat the bright lamps they had before. Goodbye Hello Kitty. Hello giant glowing pink rock. I even convinced them it helped keep the boogeyman away. That’s right. I lie because I love.

Now, I believe I’ve mentioned before that my darling Cockateer (let’s call him husband) wasn’t exactly thrilled about having glowing pink rocks scattered throughout the house. I tried reasoning with him, but he insisted they looked like pink kryptonite and started making up ridiculous superhero side effects. Honestly, I had no counterargument because I was laughing too hard.

A few days later, after I had enthusiastically shared every potential benefit I’d read about, he did what any skeptical husband would do.

He went on Amazon and ordered five of them.

While my husband may no longer fear the boogeyman, he is still one of the world’s worst sleepers. Ever since I met him, bedtime has been less about sleeping and more about wandering through the house looking for projects that absolutely cannot wait until morning. I’ve tried melatonin, essential oils, meditation, deep breathing…nothing seemed to help.

Oddly enough, the salt lamp did.

Not because of any magical health benefits, mind you.

It simply became our bedroom light.

The soft glow was a whole lot nicer than turning on the closet light and pretending we were starring in an off-Broadway production. Somewhere along the way it earned the nickname “the boom boom light.” The dogs even seemed to figure it out. The second that pink light came on, they’d quietly get up and leave the room without being asked.

Pavlov would have been proud.

Is the Himalayan Salt Lamp everything people claim it is?

I honestly can’t say.

Do I know if it cleans the air? Nope.

Do I know if it boosts energy or helps allergies? Not really.

Do I know it gives the bedroom a warm glow, makes the house feel cozy and looks a whole lot better than the old lamps we had?

Absolutely.

And if it turns out some of those other health benefits are real too, even better.

I figure there’s no harm in giving one a shot. Worst case scenario, you end up with a pretty cool-looking lamp.

Best case?

Well…let’s just say around our house it’s still affectionately known as the “boom boom” light.

The post Boom Boom Shake Shake the Room! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Goals: The result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end
Selfish: Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Liquor: How a male animal cleans his mate (ok, that one might be a bit of a stretch, but I was on a roll)

Well, so now that 2016 has finished kicking our
ass I’m looking forward to my life in 2017.

We lost Prince but we got Batman vs Superman.
We lost Zsa Zsa but we got Zika.
We lost Bowie but we got killer clowns.
We lost Gene Wilder but we got Pokemon Go.
We lost The Good Wife but we got Fuller house
We lost Muhammad Ali but we got the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Yup, pretty fucking awful.

And so here we are…2017.

Last year, or maybe the last two years, became my Year of Fear. The idea was simple: do one thing every day that scares you. I jumped off a cliff into a lake, I parallel parked, I wore dangly earrings with a pair of jeans, and I started saying yes to things that made me uncomfortable. Some were big. Some were ridiculously small. But they all counted.

To me, 2016 was the slap. Now I want 2017 to be the hug.

I’m taking off my superhero cape and wrapping myself in a warm blanket of selfishness. Actually, let’s stop calling it selfishness. Let’s call it self-care. It’s not about me, me, me. It’s about putting me first once in a while. That’s the goal. The Year of Me.

Let me unpack this a little more…most all of us have been on a plane and listened to the flight attendants give their safety speech. Try to get past the visual of them blowing up the life-vest like a little pinky sized pee-pee…what do they always say?

“Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others”.

It sounds backwards, but it makes perfect sense. Most of us are hardwired to put everyone else’s needs ahead of our own. But if we’re running on empty, we’re not much help to anybody.

It’s like when I hear, “A happy mother equals a happy child.” Personally, I’m still convinced high-speed internet has something to do with it too. But just because a saying is a little cheesy doesn’t make it wrong.

Take these “Just Because…” gems, for example:

“Just because I’m looking at you doesn’t mean I’m listening”
“Just because it’s handmade doesn’t mean it’s cheap”
“Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t sing”
“Just because it’s a hole, doesn’t mean you should stick your finger in it” (Fine, I might have made that one up, but it still holds true. Sorry hubby)

I’m not sure when being selfish became synonymous with being a douchebag, but here we are. My answer to this is in 2017 is I’m declaring myself the supreme leader of Douchebagistan and the borders are open to all who want to embrace the lifestyle with me. Who says that being selfish makes you a bitch? That makes about as much sense as a dentist trying to have a conversation with me while she’s got a couple of metal sticks in my mouth poking and prodding.

Let’s be clear, as much as I’d like The Year of Me to consist of nothing but Netflix and an all-wine diet, I still live in the real world. I have 2 kids (3 if you count the hubby), 2 dogs, my mom and all the other responsibilities that I treasure, but that doesn’t mean that me and my needs always need to take a backseat.

I vow to myself to stop putting shit off. I love to read, sleep late, experiment in the kitchen, take a candlelit bath, and simply have an hour where nobody needs anything from me. It’s time to stop pushing me to the bottom of the list or God help us, off the list. It’s easy to lose a bit of ourselves along the way, and to that I say No Fucking More!

2017 “The Year of Me”. You can find memes galore on the internet about “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. Well then call me Dr. Nobody, because I’m making time for that…who’s with me?

The post Welcome to Douchebagistan, Population: ME! appeared first on Living Clean and Dirty.

Him: OK, look it up on your IPad, do we take a left here or a right
Me: Hang on a minute
Him: The light’s green, left or right
Me: Wait, I hit the wrong button.  Ooooh, I just got a groupon for that new place…
Him: El…seriously
Me: Jesus, OK hang on.  Girl can’t even get a coupon…
Him: El, I need an answer before the guy behind me gets out of his car.
Me: OK, Left

We turn left, then 5 minutes later
Him: Ugh! Seriously Magellan…left?
Me: I don’t know why the fuck you’re listening to me, you’re driving!

Well, how about a choice that’s eco-friendly and delicious at the same time. No I’m not talking about Merlot or Cabernet, I’m obviously talking about ice cream. If you’ve read my previous post about dropping a dairy grenade into my stomach, you’d be surprised to know I still choose to eat ice cream (preferably within a 5 mile radius of the home-throne). When I am feeling brave enough to enjoy a cold treat I always choose a cone. It makes the perfect guilty snack perfect-er. Think about it…edible ice-cream holder and no paper cup or spoon to throw away. Waffle or sugar makes no difference to me, you can’t lose either way.

Just don’t ask me how to get to get to my favorite ice cream shoppe, I’m just going to keep telling you to take lefts until you get there.

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As I’m sure you can tell by now, I love to have a good laugh.  But I should preface that with the fact that the material needs to be funny.  Back in my single days a guy gave me this card on Valentine’s Day.  Now, granted I took some artistic liberties with the card itself because the original is still probably in police evidence “just in case”, but the sentiment is the same.  He wasn’t funny, he was super creepy and he always looked like he needed a shower (not in the Ethan Hawke hot way, but more like Howard Hughes at the end when he was pissing in jars).  He would have been better off if the card had said “Happy Valentine’s Day – Clearly you’re a low-shooter and I love that about you.”  Ugh! Gross!!  …OK, now back to our blog.

The true history of Valentine’s Day can differ depending on who you ask.  While most historians agree that it’s actually St. Valentine that we celebrate on the 14^th of February, the details tend to be a little sketchy.  My favorite story is about an imprisoned Saint named Valentine who sent a love letter to the daughter of his jailer before his death and signed it “From Your Valentine”.  That’s right baby…caged heat.  While I’m sure Valentine’s Day in today’s prisons must be the butt of a lot of jokes, we have an imprisoned man condemned to death to thank for an abundance of greeting cards, chocolate, flowers and last minute shopping by forgetful husbands.

Now I’m sure that my husband’s version of the story would revolve around a celebration of the great St. Vagine, and we should spend the day on our knees pleasing it.  Knowing him, this would yield a lot of empty wine bottles and me asking on Facebook for a good chiropractor the next day.  Honestly we aren’t big gift givers in my house.  Holidays and anniversaries are great excuses to turn off the rest of the world and spend time with the ones we love.  Basically if we are wrapping up shit in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep it’s because the dog took a dump in the living room and we are trying to destroy the evidence.  But when we do need/want something we just get it and surprise the person even more because well…it’s a no-reason-Tuesday.  More than anything we love giving the gift of experience (in the case of my two kids) or the gift of health for my hubby and me. But, hubby is only human, and there are certain landmark holidays where he starts hinting around about what sort of gift I would like.

So with February 14^th fast approaching, here’s my Top 10 lists of eco-friendly Valentine’s Day gifts.  The first list is gifts for the ladies.  These can be from your fella or even better, a gift you get yourself on Black Saturday.  But don’t worry fellas; I made a top 10 gift list for you too.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR WOMEN

1) Massage: My hubby and I both get monthly massages. It’s a great way to turn off and de-stress since we both sit in chairs for a gazillion hours a day.  Your parenting skills could use the time for a quick recharge and your muscles will thank you.  Neither of us get the “Happy Ending” kind but I guess that could relax you too, this is a judgment free blog.

2) Guided Meditation Class: My hubby encourages me to go twice a month.  There’s a local place by me who donates part of the proceeds to a local animal shelter.  I usually fall asleep half way through (last time I was even sitting up) but it’s relaxing and I love the meditation practice.  It’s like sex, sure you can do it alone, but sometimes it’s nice to have someone there walking you through it.

3) Facials: I treat myself to a once a month facial (sigh, please don’t laugh).  Every time I say “facial” in my house my hubby laughs uncontrollably.  I just learned (after getting my first one) that it’s called a facial when a man treats your face like a sperm bank and he’s making a deposit.  I love getting a facial (the spa kind) because it’s awesome for my poor dehydrated skin and I can’t believe how good it feels.  Thankfully I never got the other facial because if a guy tried to leave his mess all over my face he’d end up with fewer balls than Lance Armstrong.

4) Buy One Organic Decadent Thing:  Hubby is going to laugh at this one and say something supportive like “Oh, if you wanted to treat yourself with organic corn you could have just asked”.  Well, in this case I was thinking on a grander scale.  This past year for the holidays I’ve been eyeing some VERY expensive Coyuchi organic towels.  Doesn’t sound so glamorous at first, but you won’t hear me complain when I wrap myself up in one of these after a nice hot bath.

5) Take a Class: Do this as a couple or do it alone.  Hell, when I was single and in my 20s I bought myself a gift every V-Day (still love these cool earrings I got one year, I know me so well) so I took a cooking class in Brooklyn and still use what I learned there every day.  And if cooking isn’t your thing, try another class, a few years back I took a knitting class and this year I’m learning to sew.

6) Send Flowers:  While certainly not original, sending flowers is the “black iron skillet” of the gift giving world.  It’s a simple phone call, nearly impossible to mess up and a timeless gift.  If this is your choice, be sure to take advantage of the “tulips” (two-lips) jokes and also try sending eco-friendly flowers (www.organicbouquet.com) or even a plant.

7) Write a Heart Felt Letter:  Back before texting, sexting, email and even AIM we used to write letters…you know, with a pen.  Skip the stupid card, because you probably waited too long anyway and now all that’s left are the crappy cards with sad puppies or Batman on them.  It’s WAY more touching if you just write how you feel and if you feel inclined you can draw a little picture too…you don’t even have to rhyme (but if you can, that’s nice)

8) Symbolically Find Your Valentine’s Animal Match and Donate:  You can go to: www.worldwildlife.org and pick what animal best describes your Valentine and symbolically adopt that animal.  We love that we’re giving to one of our favorite charities, my kids love doing it and probably most important…our dogs love it because they hate competition.

9) Think Vintage: Growing up we called jewelry and clothes like this “old” but now it’s “chic”.  It looks like there’s a huge resurgence of what I like to call “the classics”, you know…like granny panties.  Check out vintage stores, consignment shops or etsy for tons of repurposed items.  What someone else doesn’t use is your treasure.

10) Make a Mix Tape: OK, technically I was thinking of a Mix-Playlist, but there’s something about Bonnie Tyler, Simply Red and Berlin that just screams Sony Walkman to me.  Make her feel young again and make her a playlist on her I-Fillintheblank.  Pick some of her favorite music from when she was young and fresh filled with hope that she can listen to now while she’s cleaning up after your kids and doing your laundry and making your dinner…sorry, a little projecting there.  Be a mensch and play that playlist on your stereo, take her hand and ask her to dance.

If you continue to scroll down you will see the men’s list, hope this helps and have a great V-Day.

VALENTINE’S DAY TOP 10 GIFTS FOR MEN

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Bake him cookies
4. Sex
5. Blowjob
6. Sex
7. Sex
8. Sex
9. Sex
10. Sex and then let him finish the cookies (may be substituted for Blowjob)

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