The Case of the Missing Body Lotion

“It puts the lotion in the basket…” I know. I couldn’t resist.

I love body lotion. (But I love a good Silence of the Lambs line just as much.) Sure, I tell my husband it’s a “marital aid” when used properly, but most of the time I just like how it feels and smells. Dry winter skin is no joke, and if you’ve ever spent January washing dishes without gloves, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

When I find great products, I love telling my friends about them. I’m a girl, so obviously I use a ton of personal care products, and this seemed like a great place to start cutting down on some of the toxins we keep hearing about. The more I learned, the more horrified I became. Why do cute little bunnies have to be injured or killed to make shampoo? Seriously, haven’t we figured out how to make shampoo yet? And why the fuck are we still testing eyeliner on animals? They don’t need it, and they’re going to look ridiculous anyway. My dad always told me to vote with my wallet, so that’s exactly what I started doing. These days I try to buy cruelty-free products whenever I can because companies have proven they can make great products without hurting animals. If they can do it, everyone can.

Most people decide to become vegetarians and then start thinking about what they’re putting on their bodies. Bass-ackwards me did it the other way around. I’d happily sit down in front of a delicious skirt steak wondering whether I could make deodorant out of the contents of my refrigerator. My first obsession wasn’t food. It was shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, toner, deodorant, makeup, laundry detergent…basically if it touched my skin, I wanted to know what was in it. That’s going to be a big part of this website, so keep coming back and getting educated by Dr. Ellen.

Our skin is our biggest organ. Heh…organ.

Even on a “dropping the kids off at school in my pajamas” kind of day, I use a lot of products. Maybe not twenty, but enough that when you stop and think about all those ingredients together, it starts to feel like a chemistry experiment. Math really isn’t my thing, but even I know that adding up a whole bunch of questionable stuff probably isn’t the greatest plan. So I started cutting back where I could, which also saved me money, and I started paying closer attention to what I was buying. One of the resources I found incredibly helpful was the Environmental Working Group. No, I’m not on the payroll. I just liked having a place that explained what all those ingredients actually were.

This whole adventure eventually led me to my quest for the perfect body lotion. I use it constantly because I finally gave up wearing dish gloves. Why? Because I kept buying these nice, expensive eco-friendly gloves and somehow puncturing every single right one with silverware. I never got hurt and I never even knew I’d done it until halfway through the dishes when my right glove slowly filled with water. After about the gazillionth pair, and a growing collection of six left-handed gloves, I finally threw up my bare hands and admitted defeat. Good news: no more wet surprises. Bad news: my hands started looking like I was auditioning to be Freddy Krueger’s hand double. Every time my husband held my hand he’d ask when we bought a pet snake.

After trying a bunch of different lotions, I finally found one I loved from 100% Pure. It’s cruelty-free, made with quality ingredients and smells amazing. There was only one problem. It kept disappearing. I’d put a brand-new tube on my nightstand and the next day…gone. I blamed the kids. I searched the bathroom. I looked under the bed. I was honestly starting to think lotion gnomes were making nightly raids on my bedroom.

Days later I finally found it.

In my husband’s office drawer.

I stood there holding the tube like I’d just solved a murder.

“Seriously?” I asked.

He looked up from his computer completely confused.

“What?”

“My lotion.”

“Oh.”

That was it. That was the entire explanation.

Good news: my husband finally joined me on the cruelty-free bandwagon.

Bad news: apparently we have very different definitions of “body lotion.”

I still buy 100% Pure because it’s a fantastic product. It smells great, feels great and isn’t tested on animals. I just buy it knowing I should probably order two tubes at a time.