Welcome to Douchebagistan, Population: ME!

Let’s start 2017 with some definitions

Goals: The result or achievement toward which effort is directed; aim; end
Selfish: Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Liquor: How a male animal cleans his mate (ok, that one might be a bit of a stretch, but I was on a roll)

Well, so now that 2016 has finished kicking our
ass I’m looking forward to my life in 2017. Politics aside (I’m not touching that with a ten foot pink dildo) I think we can agree that we all got fisted like a Tijuana hooker last year.

We lost Prince but we got Batman vs Superman.
We lost Zsa Zsa but we got Zika.
We lost Bowie but we got killer clowns.
We lost Gene Wilder but we got Pokemon Go.
We lost The Good Wife but we got Fuller house
We lost Muhammad Ali but we got the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Yup, pretty fucking awful.

And so here we are…2017. Last year (or two) was my Year of Fear…“Do one thing that scares you every day”. I jumped off a cliff into a lake, I parallel parked, I wore dangly earrings with a pair of jeans, I fucked with the lights on (that was humbling). I pushed myself to try new things big and small, 2016 to me was the slap but now 2017 is going to be the tickle. I’m taking off my superhero cape and wrapping myself up in a warm blanket of selfishness. Whoever said being selfish is a bad thing was probably referring to me and how I like to play “cadaver” in bed. If you ask me (or even if you didn’t) the term selfishness should be replaced with self-care. It’s not about me, me, me…it’s just about me FIRST, that’s the goal, The Year of Me.

Let me unpack this a little more…most all of us have been on a plane and listened to those aerial jokesters (let’s call them flight attendants, because stewardess is too “secretary”) give their safety speech. Try to get past the visual of them blowing up the life-vest like a little pinky sized pee-pee…what do they always say?

“Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others”. Sounds silly, but it makes perfect sense. Most of us are hardwired to put the needs of others before our own, but these flight comfort engineers may be on to something.

It’s like when I hear “A happy mother equals a happy child”, although I’m more likely to believe “high-speed internet makes a happy child”. Just because the sayings are kitchy doesn’t make them less true.

Take these “Just Because…” gems, for example:

“Just because I’m looking at you doesn’t mean I’m listening”
“Just because it’s handmade doesn’t mean it’s cheap”
“Just because I can’t sing doesn’t mean I won’t sing”
“Just because it’s a hole, doesn’t mean you should stick your finger in it” (Fine, I might have made that one up, but it still holds true. Sorry hubby)

I’m not sure when being selfish became synonymous with being a douchebag, but here we are. My answer to this is in 2017 is I’m declaring myself the supreme leader of Douchebagistan and the borders are open to all who want to embrace the lifestyle with me. Who says that being selfish makes you a bitch? That makes about as much sense as a dentist trying to have a conversation with me while she’s got a couple of metal sticks in my mouth poking and prodding.

Let’s be clear, as much as I’d like The Year of Me to consist of nothing but Netflix, an all-wine diet and daily rides on the battery operated pleasure pony I still live in the real world. I have 2 kids (3 if you count the hubby), 2 dogs, my mom and all the other responsibilities that I treasure, but that doesn’t mean that me and my needs always need to take a backseat.

I vow to myself to stop putting shit off. I love to read, sleep late, experiment with healthy cooking, take a candlelight bubble bath, masturbate, masturbate again (sometimes in that exact order, but occasionally I like to mix things up). It’s time to stop pushing me to the bottom of the list or God help us, off the list. It’s easy to lose a bit of ourselves along the way, and to that I say No Fucking More!

2017 “The Year of Me”. You can find memes galore on the internet about “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. Well then call me Dr. Nobody, because I’m making time for that…who’s with me?

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