I want to give you an STD

Ok, you should know by now that I’m into the shock factor, and I’ve come to realize that’s ok.  I don’t believe as a society we listen to the gentle whispers, we are a society of Octo-mom, mermaid mockumentaries and Haliburton.  Nobody is going to give a shit if I say, “Hey, here’s some everyday things you should be doing to improve your life”, but if I go with “Hey internet, how about some Herpes”…you’re all ears.

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Let’s talk about STD’s.  Don’t worry this isn’t a trip down memory lane (or the common room in your college dorm), these STD’s stand for Shit To Do.  Fortunately, now that I’m married and in my 40s the closest I get to an actual STD is sitting too close to the TV when Law and Order SVU is on.  But if you keep reading, I think you will actually agree that you need yourself some STD’s.

If you’re like me…first let me pity you, and then let me congratulate you on being awesome and super-hot.  But like me, you probably have at least a few STD moments every day.   You could be standing in line at the supermarket, packing the kids lunch or blankly staring at the ceiling while playing “Please stop it Bill Cosby, I don’t like that” with your husband and all of a sudden something you forgot to do pops in your head.  These are my Shit To Do moments.  It’s not that I’m lazy (outside of the bedroom), it’s just that life gets in the way of all of your best planning.

But I’m going to tell you just like I tell “Horny McHumperson” (or as I call him, husband) every time he comes home from the gym and wants us to watch 9 ½ weeks together “because it’s artsy”…NO MORE!!  I need a change, I need to embrace what my STD’s are and go out there and get them!

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My promise to myself is every week I’m going to add something positive to my family’s life that I should have been doing from the start.  And if you act now (well, even if you sit there and do nothing) I’m going to tell you all about it in grueling detail and you can join us and disgust your friends at the same time.

It’s like when my father was sick and needed round the clock attention.  He had a group of wonderful men who gave him excellent care and grew very fond of him.  When you tell your friends and family “I can’t wait to get my STD from Ellen this week” you will probably get the same looks I got when I told people that my father had aides.

So, fun hand job fact…

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) to properly wash your hands you need to lather your hands, the backs of your hands, between your fingers and under your nails for at least 20 seconds.

Now, outside of your hands being involved, this obviously doesn’t have much to do with a hand job and I’ve never heard of a guy saying, “Whoah, I’m really going to need you to scrub those mitts before we play tug and pull” but I’m glad I have your attention.  I’m not even sure I’ve seen this level of hand maintenance from McDreamy or McSteamy, but the new rule in our house now is you have to sing Happy Birthday from start to finish TWICE while washing your hands in order to clean them properly.  McHumperson needs to sing Happy Birthday Mr. President in a Marilyn Monroe voice, but that’s just because sometimes I’m a bitch.

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Washing your hands properly is the best way to NOT get sick, that’s fact.  And as a holistic, living clean nut, that alcohol based anti-bacterial pump crap is off-limits in my house.  Did you know that on the CDC website they tell you to use hand sanitizers, which are not as effective as soap and water, when you ”don’t have soap and clean, running water”.  That’s right, according to the CDC only third world countries should be using $2.19 pump action hand sanitizer (ugh, don’t even get me started).  I think about how many times a day I pee (and poop), swipe my hands over some soap and wash it off in total of 10 seconds or less.  I spend (slightly) more time than that on top during sex and there’s hardly (rarely) ever pee or poop involved.

My point is, if you’re going to do something, do it right.  Wash those hands like you mean it.  Good intentions do not get your hands clean, 20+ seconds and attention to detail do (too easy Mark, don’t even make a joke).

So this past week (and hopefully moving forward) my whole family has been washing our hands like extras on Grey’s Anatomy ready to “scrub in” and singing Happy Birthday all the way…Twice.
And for what it’s worth, I never saw Kim Basinger or Mickey Rourke wash their hands once in 9 ½ weeks and look how those two turned out.

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