Boom Boom Shake Shake the Room!

There are three words that this girl lives to hear.  That’s right…Pakistan, Magnesium and Iodine.  I used to think that maybe 2 of them were places that you can only get to by plane and one is something you put on cuts for some reason.  As I get older (read: wiser) I have come to appreciate that actually 1 of them is a place where something is mined and 2 of them are the mine-ees (miners, minors, ??).  That’s right faithful readers the Himalayan Salt Lamp train is leaving the station, hop on board.  Toot toot!

The salt lamps come in a few varieties.  There are baskets of smaller salt rocks, but most come in chunk-size ranging from 5 to 15 inches.  I’m an 8 inch kind of gal (I’m talking to you sweetheart) so I stuck with what I know.  I’ve read a lot about how these warm pink and orange glowing lamps can benefit your health and well-being and although I’m not convinced it’s the great panacea that some websites make it out to be, I figure this shit won’t hurt you so why not try it.  You can call me a skeptic, but I’m a bit skeptical of the latest holistic fad cutting into my alcohol budget.

So after a few hours of wine-fueled research, here are the potential benefits I have found.

  1. Cleanse and deodorize the air: I thought this might be useful in my home with two large dogs who very rarely bathe, two daughters (a sweaty pre-teen and another one right behind her) who also rarely bathe, a hubby who works out at home and me…a busy mom who sometimes gets that not so fresh feeling all over.
  1. Reduce allergy and asthma symptoms: Although no one in my family has asthma or hardcore allergies, I’ve read tons of reviews about how it helped kids suffering from it. I figured what the hell, it couldn’t hurt. I developed some allergies in college so between the dogs and the dust-bunnies, there may be a sneezing attack in our future at some point.
  1. Increase energy levels: Done, done and…done! Take my money! Who doesn’t need an extra energy boost?  I love to sleep, I mean I REALLY love to sleep.  If sleeping was an Olympic event I would win the gold medal every four years and even though I get my 7 hours…ok fine…10 hours of sleep every night my energy level sucks.
  1. Improves your mood, concentration and helps you sleep: Yes, yes and yes, I put one in each of my girls’ rooms and told them it’s their new night light. They thought it looked cool and it seemed way better than the bright shitty lamps next to their beds.  Goodbye Hello Kitty and hello chunk of pink rock.  I was convinced those damn “night lights” were keeping them awake so I convinced them this special “rock” is perfect at warding off the boogeyman and it was the devil’s kryptonite. That’s right, I lie because I love.

Now, I believe I have mentioned this before, but my darling Cockateer (let’s call him husband) was not so inclined to have this glowing rock that reminded him of kryptonite in random rooms in the house.  I tried reasoning with him but he came back at me with “it looks like pink kryptonite and it’s going to make small vaginas break out all over my body and then I may be forced to fuck myself to death”…honestly, I have no counter-argument to that.  Days later I described in explicit detail all the positives this form of “kryptonite” could potentially have on all of my pink parts and in an amazing turn of events he went on Amazon himself and bought us 5 of them.

While he’s not afraid of the boogeyman anymore, my vaginal treasure hunter of a husband is possibly the world’s shittiest sleeper. Ever since I met him, he spends his nights roaming our house with a tape measure and a level looking for shit to do.  Recently he’s been my lab experiment with melatonin, essential oils, mediation, deep breathing – nothing helped him so we figured we’d give this a try. I’d like to say I figured out a way for him to sleep like a baby but it seems that there’s only one solution for his insomnia and the salt lamp helped…by accident. My hubby likes to have sex with a little bit of light on.  He says if it’s too bright then he feels like I’m lying there (I’m a bottom kind of girl) in silent judgement of the absurd faces he’s making and if it’s too dark then he feels like there should be some sort of monetary transaction involved.  We used to turn the closet light on and close the door most of the way for some mood lighting, but since getting the salt lamp my better half turns that on instead.  As a man (ugh), he gets groggy after sex so that solves his sleeping issues (he claims it’s his “caveman instinct”, that after sex it’s time to sleep but to be fair he’s doing most of the work so I can’t fault him for that) . It’s now our “boom boom” light and has become part of our foreplay.  That’s’ right, when the light is on then it’s ON. You can almost hear the dogs thinking “Oh shit! They turned the pink light on, we’re about to get kicked out”.  Pavlov would be proud…turning that light on is like ringing the sex bell, and he comes a runnin’ like Batman to the Bat-signal.

Is the Himalayan Salt Lamp all that it’s cracked up to be?  I can’t say for sure, but I believe it’s worth a shot.  The potential for cleaner air, an energy boost, better concentration and allergy relief; if the cost of that is flattering sex-illumination then you can count this girl as a fan.  I figure there is no harm in giving it a shot and worst case scenario…flipping a light on is a lot easier (and less humbling) then some overpriced lingerie and finding a place to hide a roll of crisp 5 dollar bills.


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